Confession

Now that it is safely behind us I have to say, I hate Christmas. The craziness that surrounds it with the shopping and baking and wrapping and decorating and card writing and the pretense of the "spirit" of the holidays- blech! Enough already! I haven't always felt this way. When I was young, small child young, I LOVED Christmas time. We were not a religious family but we celebrated the way every retailer dreams of. I fondly remember several things from our traditions. The familiar drum roll and spinning of the words "special" on CBS that could only mean a Rankin/Bass claymation show or Charlie Brown Christmas. Receiving the 500+ page toy catalog from my Jewish Grandparents and being allowed to choose toys from so many great play things. For some reason, every year, I was drawn to the pink, manual typewriter. And every year, I did not get, the pink, manual typewriter. Another tradition was decorating the tree. All five of us gathered as a family and we pulled out the boxes of barely organized, loosely tissue wrapped ornaments. It was so exciting to see and recognize the familiar tree decorations. Especially the handmade ones. Every year I loved seeing the paper reindeer that I had brought home from pre-school with its sloppy glue and glitter job. Finally, every year we would go to Barb's house for Christmas Eve and I would gorge myself on her amazing stuffed mushrooms (this may have only happened once...) and then we would drive home. I would be excited but sleepy and my brothers would point up into the amazing New Mexico star filled, December sky and ask if I could see Rudolph's nose. I could! I swear I could! The next morning we would wake to find filled stockings on our beds and the three of us would gather in some one's room (the selection of the room was random) to pilfer through the Lifesaver books and wind up toys. Once my parents woke, after several attempts by us beginning at 6:00am, we would have Sara Lee pecan coffee cake, bacon and OJ.

Alright, then there is the memory when I got out of bed, too excited to sleep to find my parents putting training wheels on a brand new bicycle and yelling at me to get back to bed. Really yelling and angry is how I remember it. I returned to my room and sat on top of my bed with my floral canopy overhead and my legs swinging, not able to touch the floor and pouted that I didn't want a stupid bike anyway.

Okay, then comes divorce and 2 Christmas mornings, and the coffee cake doesn't taste the same and Dad doesn't get a tree but attempts to decorate his 3 foot cactus and Mom tries to force us to go to her boyfriend's house for Christmas day and oh hell it just all fell apart for this 11 year old.

Then in college it regained some of its "magic" for me because I loved seeing my brothers when we were still all able to make it home every Christmas and the 2 Christmas mornings were actually fun. Sara Lee and stockings at mom's and Mimosas and Bagels & Lox at Dad's. When my little brothers came into our lives I loved waking up (though hungover) to the sounds of "Daddy Daddy look what Santa brought me!" Then we all married off, the older brother's families grew and they began their own traditions. It became unlikely that any of us would be able to coordinate Christmas visits back to Santa Fe any how.

So when it all went sour for me isn't clear. It didn't happen suddenly but over time as I spent more holidays alone. I have no desire to shop for anyone. I don't look forward to getting or decorating a tree. I used to love to bake cookies, even for all my clients. Now, no way. I am especially annoyed at the false cheer spewing from every one's mouth. It is like one big Hallmark card being verbalized over and over for 3 weeks straight. If I felt that it was sincere then I wouldn't be so bitter but it's not, so I am.

I do like a couple things about the holidays. I look forward to extra days off from work and the overall "quietness" of my industry during this time of year. I still like claymation. Hmmm, I think that is all I can think of. No, wait, I do like Christmas lights. They are beautiful especially when lit while all other lights in the house are off.

I want to shed this negative attitude and find our own tradition as a family. Not as a religious celebration but I do know it can be meaningful and that this will be important for Liliana. We will find our way as a family with our own significance of the holiday...I hope.