Weekend Update

Are you sitting on pins and needles waiting and wondering? Well I didn't make it. Started cramping pretty severely yesterday late afternoon and by 7:30 I knew it was imminent. I had Chris put Liliana to bed and I drove myself to West Sub hospital here in Oak Park. It is only 5 minutes from home. I waited the mandatory ridiculous amount of time to be seen but they seem to keep your hopes up and your body and brain occupied by calling you back to triage then sending you back to the waiting room. Then another lady pops out and they call you back to register then send you back to the waiting room. Finally I was called back to the heart of the ER where the nurses were standing around chatting with the security guard and random patients wandered from their curtained rooms to the bathroom. It was a pretty quiet night in the ER thankfully. Another huge time suck occurred just trying to figure out the hospital gown. Am I the only one that is consistently intimidated by these things? First of all, I have never seen 2 alike. Just when I think I have the style mastered on which way it goes on, where it ties, what extra piece of fabric goes through what random role they present a whole new gown style. The one last night actually required me to create my own sleeves by snapping them together. I had to figure out how to do this though my cramping. When the nurse came in I was still standing there almost naked in just my underwear and sandals holding the limp piece of fabric in my hands almost in tears. She snapped it up for me so I could get dressed.

I relayed my story for the 3rd time that night to the nurse who took my vitals and asked a lot of questions about my situation I think more for her own personal curiosity. Finally, after I was pretty comfortably laying on the examining table under a couple of blankets the doctor came in. She was probably younger than me and seemed very nice but also a little nervous about my situation. Trying to be sensitive and not say the wrong thing while I tried to be as blunt and open about it as I could to hopefully put her at ease but I think I came across as a little cold and removed from the situation. I was. I had to be. I was there for a reason. I fought back crying on 2 occasions already(minus the gown fiasco). One when I was walking back to the examine room and two as I sat there alone in the room waiting, thinking too much and realizing that I was parting with a baby, my baby, chris' baby that had, up until last week, been growing inside of me and even more significantly been forming in my future plans for our lives.

So back to the matter of fact Leigh who was thrilled and relieved when the nervous doc immediately commented upon peering up between the plastic speculum that the "product of conception" (doc's words) was right there. She plucked it out with some forceps and put it in a cup to send up to pathology. I told her how relieved I was because having genetic testing was so important for us. I had explained earlier too the whole reason I came in and needed the tissue collected was for genetic testing. Want to see if miscarriage was a result of triploidy... I actually said Triploidy. She suggested I have my doc call the lab in the morning to tell them exactly what tests they want done. I asked for the direct number and she provided.

She told me I could get dressed. I put my underwear and shorts back on but was having an extremely difficult time because I had a stick in my vein at the crook of my elbow that the nurse left in the event I needed meds or fluids. I was unable to bend my left arm. The nurse returned and asked me to leave a urine sample. Ummmm Okay. I am tempted to go into detail here but I think I will leave it alone. Let's just say with the inability to bend my left arm, my ridiculous gown that was now untied and draping and flowing all over and the aftermath of what was going on (said in whisper tone "down there") it took me close to 5 minutes to leave a urine sample plus add in all the cleaning I had to do after. My apologies to the janitorial staff at West Suburban ER.

Okay, fast forward. I got myself home, happy and relieved that all turned out okay. I got hold of the on call doc at my OB's office who immediately sounded concerned that my sample went to "pathology". He called the number and I got a call back in minutes. He informed me that the sample was not marked for genetic testing and they put it in something that instantly makes genetic testing an impossibility.

I am very upset but not as much as I imagined I would be. He said if there was any result to be concerned about the next step would be to have Chris and I tested so he said we could go ahead and do genetic testing on us anyway. Something to consider. He also gave me a lot of hope about my age and that it is a crap shoot but odds are still in our favor. Yay! So now I am over the hump and can start counting my HCG levels down to zero and get back on the trying to conceive horse.

Bye for now

These days are the hardest

So the period between finding out about the loss and ridding the pregnancy from my body is the hardest time. With my first miscarriage it was so fast. I took the pills the same day I found out and it was so quick and easy that by the same evening, I had fully miscarried. The second miscarriage was more complicated as I was farther along and had actually been carrying the baby (I changed the word to "baby" from "fetus" for some reason) around for weeks without knowing it had died. As you remember from previous posts it was a LONG drawn out process of taking meds that didn't work then thinking I needed a D&C then miscarrying naturally 2 days before the procedure. Overall it took almost 6 days. Then you still have to wait for your hormone levels to fall to zero before feeling truly "normal" again because then your cycle returns and you can start trying to conceive again! So here I sit, cramping, spotting and waiting for my D&C to be scheduled. They want to do it Tuesday...TUESDAY! What! First of all, I am certain to miscarry naturally by then, if not I am extremely uncomfortable and miserable with a dead baby inside of me! I don't want to go naturally because then I can't get the ever so important genetic testing done. PLUS, Tuesday is a huge work day for me. I am already feeling guilty by rescheduling my last 2 days due to unrelated illness. I can't miss work on Tuesday. This is already dragging on too long. I am, believe it or not, already thinking about getting pregnant again and want to move this parade along. In the meantime, I sit vacillating in the area of pregnant woman, not pregnant woman. It is an area I don't find very pleasant.

Damn

I am not writing a long post, there will be plenty more to follow as the numbness wears off. I had a 3rd miscarriage today. Rather I found out today that my baby had no heartbeat and stopped growing last Wednesday at 8weeks 2days. We kept this pregnancy really quiet and were going to announce at our pulled pork party at the end of the month. I even bought a "I'm going to be a big sister" t-shirt for Liliana to wear to make the announcement. It is the same story, saw heartbeat, everything was fine then same day as ultrasound baby stops growing. I have the flu or something like it and have been feeling really rotten all day. After the Tylenol kicked in I noticed pretty significant cramping. I went into my doctor's office to be checked and that is when we received the news. Unbelievable. I am an Atheist and I tell you, I actually wondered today if there is a vengeful God out there that is punishing me for my lack of belief. Of course I don't believe this, especially when I see on Babycenter so may religious girls talking about God taking their baby to heaven and how it is all part of his plan. What bullshit.

Questionable Chromosomes

Well unfortunately the geneticist was unable to grow anything from the sample the doc sent over. So the genetic make up of my last little peanut will remain a mystery. However, since the doctor said the head had a protrusion and didn't look right, that is enough for me to know it was a chromosomal issue. I was just sort of hoping to know something more specific like "trisomy" for example. Somewhere I read that the chance of having 3 missed miscarriages is 1%. I can't find that article again and now I keep reading that the statistics get worse the greater the number. However, I do have a healthy child and I think that improves my chances. So I am feeling somewhat more optimistic but I do think we will wait a few months before trying again instead of jumping in right away like last time.

Nope I take that back!

Okay, finally miscarried naturally, at the doctor's office this morning. D&C off the table thankfully. Plus the good thing is since the doc was able to collect the fetus it can be sent to genetics for testing. Okay, I am now experiencing the huge sadness combined with the huge relief that goes with finally miscarrying. At least now this goal oriented girl can focus on getting hCG levels down to zero. That is my next milestone...stay tuned. In the meantime I will start to write again about the gorgeous, amazing little girl that this blog is named after. Sorry to divert away but life gets in the way...

By the way, I scanned over my previous posts and I am sounding so robotic and detached. I guess in a way I am. I am purposely trying to be factual and have really put up a wall. I actually consciously keep myself from thinking too much about what is really happening. I don't think this is healthy but when I let myself think about it the sadness and grief is so incredibly intense and overwhelming that I want to curl up in a ball. I feel like I don't have that option right now with work and taking care of Liliana. I am afraid I am behaving too detached though. I need time to grieve... I need help doing that. Not sure what to do- strange.

Need a d&c afterall. Ultrasound revealed baby still in there. I wanted to see the images and the doctor pointed out that the baby was malformed even this early. I am so confused and sad.

Update to What a drag it is getting old

The Cytotec finally kicked in after manageable cramps turned into what I can only assume were cramps comparable to labor contractions. I was in the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. I attempted to do yoga breathing and walk around but it seemed so silly not to mention pretty sucky to be experiencing labor pains without the reward of a baby at the end. Still, with all the cramping, nothing was happening. Then, while walking through the kitchen, I had the most unbelievable cramp followed by the first gushing (sorry for the detail but that is what I am going through). The amazing thing is, after that cramp and release, I had no more cramps. The release has not ended though and 12 weeks worth of my baby's home has to come out. It is been a very trying evening but at least I will avoid the D&C.

What a drag it is getting old

Now when asked by the doctor: "number of pregnancies?" I will have to answer 3. When they ask the follow up question: "number of children?" I will answer 1. Let's quickly get you up to speed in a very factual basis because I am emotionally drained and that avoidance mechanism that keeps me from feeling or thinking in detail about what I have lost and what is no longer true has kicked into high gear.

• Positive Pregnancy Test toward the end of January giving me an estimated due date around 10/7/10.
• Call to doc to schedule first OB appointment led to a request to come in for early screening due to previous miscarriage- YAY an early ultrasound! Plus early blood work to check hCG levels
  
• Ultrasound on 2/16 (approx 6wks 4days pregnant) showed an empty sac. Doc not concerned, thinks my dates are off slightly and suggested I come back for our original OB appointment 2 weeks later- hCG levels look good.
• 2 weeks of pure despair, worrying and stress- plus I am interviewing for a JOB at this point. Focus Leigh, focus.
• Gripping Chris' hand during the Ultrasound 2 weeks later (8weeks 5days) showed a baby with a heartbeat! Oh I actually cried I was so happy and relieved. However baby measuring 7weeks 4days but doc not concerned at all. I ovulate late etc... She is not concerned, I am not concerned. New due date 10/15/09
• Life goes on as usual, get a job offer 2 days later (oooh, how to tell work??), happy happy happy. After a rough 12+months things are looking good!
• Schedule my CVS test for 3/25, my 20 week ultrasound and 6 months of OB appointments.
  
• Though paranoid and worried about miscarrying, am showing no signs or miscarriage symptoms at all. Feel nauseous, sore boobs etc...
  
• 3.5 weeks pass since beautiful, heartbeat viewing ultrasound and now time for the CVS test! Yay! We are going to find out baby's sex today and find out that there are no genetic disorders and we can finally make the big announcement to family and friends!
• When we get to the hospital for the CVS test, I tell the ultrasound tech that I am afraid she isn't going to find a heartbeat. Purely a statement made for self protection.
  
• I look at the screen as she starts and I see immediately- I say "that doesn't look right". The geneticists says "I am so sorry". I say "Fuck"
• The baby stopped growing right after the last ultrasound. Still measuring at 7 weeks 4 days. In retrospect I should have been more concerned about the almost week discrepancy.
• Devastation, crying, disbelief- all of it
• Back to the doctor who hugs me, as does the nurse- I love my doctor. Given the option to do a D&C or take the Cytotec to jump-start natural miscarriage I opt for the Cytotec. It worked so quickly last time (fuck, I can now say "last time", my "first miscarriage"). Plus with my new job, I don't know when the D&C will be scheduled and if I can pass this over the weekend that would be great.
• I actually went to work that Thursday afternoon and for an evening event- numb.
• I couldn't work on Friday and I opened up and told my boss what was going on- he was incredibly understanding and said at HON, family comes first. Yay- I love my new company.
• I take the Cytotec Friday evening after putting Liliana to bed- nothing happened. It didn't work. I was prepared with a box of pads, a new heating pad, comfort food and the remote.
• A call to the on-call doctor yesterday (Saturday) resulted in a second prescription being written with the instructions to take it today-Sunday. Also with the guidance that it should work in 3-5 hours and that sometimes it just doesn't work.

So this brings me to where I am right now. I took it at 8:30am and it is 11:10am. Nothing. No cramps, bleeding or anything. Which means that I will have to have a D&C. I am hoping they can schedule it for Friday because that is a work holiday and then I have the weekend to recover.
I go in tomorrow for a follow up ultrasound but not sure if it is necessary if I haven't passed anything. Why is my body holding on so tight? I just need to shed what is inside of me. It is the only way I was able to move on last time. Following my hCG levels down to zero kept me going. Hearing they hit zero was almost as exciting as seeing a positive pregnancy test.

I will keep you tuned in as I travel this journey but will leave you with this. We both want another baby more than anything but are not sure if we can go through it again. The chances of these miscarriages (which are called "missed miscarriages) increase with age because they are most likely the result of chromosomal abnormality. In other words, my eggs be old! At least this is the assumption by all involved parties.

What I wish I had right now was some stability in my life (I don't mean personal relationships) but in my day to day life. Having a new job really takes a lot of focus and I feel so underwater and confused. Chris isn't working (thankfully he is a wonderful stay at home dad). I wish I had the stability and understanding of a job I was familiar with so I could dive in full force and rely on it to keep me occupied. Right now I am just trying to keep my head above water with so many unknowns in our life. For crappy sentimental purposes, I am posting a picture of our Little Peanut.

A Mother's Instinct

When Chris and I were the proud parents of 3 cats, before Liliana was even a desire in our lives, I had what I called "mommy ears". I could hear the kitties meowing, or scratching to come inside from anywhere in the house. I was proud of my mommy ears because it was the closest thing to a maternal symptom that I ever imagined I would experience. Of course 2 years ago we made the decision to be mommy and daddy to a 2 legged, furless baby and haven't looked back. I never imagined the effect motherhood would have on me. The mommy ears have morphed into what I assume is maternal instinct. Knowing the difference between a little fussiness and behavior that signifies an ear infection. Maybe it isn't instinct but just common sense but I can't help but be grateful for all those decisions I have made erring on the side of caution only to be so relieved I did so.

I knew immediately that I wanted another baby. I remember nursing Liliana in the middle of the night when she was only a couple months old already fantasizing about being pregnant again. Of course I wasn't (we weren't) ready then but I knew it was in our future. Around Liliana's first birthday (my 40th) we felt it was time to start trying again. After the requisite few months of trying (which seemed like years and convinced me I was too old and it wouldn't happen) we got the positive pregnancy result I had been craving for so long. This was on Halloween- Happy Halloween! I called to make my first prenatal appointment and was able to get in on December 8th- my 9th week of pregnancy. I immediately signed up for prenatal yoga even though I am the only one in the room without the beautiful, round belly.

I called my mom to share the great news. Other people learned through other ways such as guessing because I wasn't drinking wine at a party, or because I was sharing prenatal yoga class with a neighbor. Other than letting a handful of friends know because I was too excited to keep it in, we decided not to share with the rest of family or friends until we had the green light from the doctor. I am not sure why we made this decision this time around but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to hear the heart beat or even get our genetic testing back before sharing globally. It was such a nagging concern even though everything seemed fine until last week.

I started spotting- I never spotted with Liliana so I started to panic a little. The PA who saw Liliana on Wednesday for her ear infection assured me that light spotting is normal. We set off for Iowa the next day. The spotting continued and got heavier. I was completely distracted, concerned and overwhelmed with what was going on that I was mentally absent during Thanksgiving dinner. The next day Chris and I snuck off to the hospital. Blood tests showed my HCG levels to be lower than they should be at 7.5 weeks. I then had to go to another town for an ultrasound. I was panicked that they would either find it in the tube or just find an empty yolk sac. I was so relieved to see the familiar nugget on the video screen with a little fluttering in the center- it was a heartbeat. The sonographer was, in Chris' words, as warm as a snake. After the exam she handed us two pictures that had labels on the bottom showing the embryo to be 6 weeks. The confusion set in here. I am trying to figure out reasons that I may only be 6 weeks along. I know when I ovulated so I couldn't have counted wrong. But, bottom line, I saw a heartbeat. I felt relief, but not completely. It was only Friday and I would have to wait until Monday to see my doctor. By now, the family found out what was going on and came to meet us at the hospital. Everyone was congratulating me but I couldn't absorb the joy, it still felt wrong.

The bleeding subsided somewhat over the weekend so I started to think we were in the clear. My doctor would set everything straight, tell me we are on the right track and all looks good. I called first thing Monday morning and got in to see the doctor at 2:30. Throughout Monday morning and while I sat forever in the doctor's office the spotting turned red and became full on bleeding. I frantically was texting with 3 separate friends about what was going on. They gave me positive words of love, encouragement. Finally, Dr. Roth comes in to see me, starts to examine me a tells me my bleeding really isn't as much as I think it is. Okay, still some hope! I fill her in on the details, point to the packet of test results that I have had clutched in my hand for hours and she begins the ultrasound. With the screen turned away from me I watch her face, my heart pounding, I have to turn away. She breaths in and while nodding toward the packet of test results she says she sees the baby to be at 6 weeks along and she sees no heartbeat. Other words were said, I can't remember. I am not surprised, I am not, but I am devastated. Chris is out in the lobby with Liliana. She gives me my options and I choose to take a medication to speed the tissue expulsion along. It went from being my baby to being tissue in one minute.

I started this post with the intention of writing what I was feeling but got lost in recapping of details. I am drained now. What I can say, is that I never expected to be so thrown by this whole experience. I went back to the doctor today to get a follow up ultrasound to ensure everything had passed. Sitting in the waiting room amongst all the pregnant women left me short of breath and shaking my foot violently to keep from crying. When the nurse that called me back, the same one that called me back on Monday, greeted me, I couldn't speak. By the time I got to the same ultrasound room from Monday, I was crying. I wanted to completely lose it but I was all alone. I held it together and got through the exam. I am underwater in a depression that I haven't felt in a very long time. I am so anxious to start trying again but of course need to wait for my body to recover. I am in the midst of a deep, dark funk and I hope to come out the other side soon.