A Mother's Instinct

When Chris and I were the proud parents of 3 cats, before Liliana was even a desire in our lives, I had what I called "mommy ears". I could hear the kitties meowing, or scratching to come inside from anywhere in the house. I was proud of my mommy ears because it was the closest thing to a maternal symptom that I ever imagined I would experience. Of course 2 years ago we made the decision to be mommy and daddy to a 2 legged, furless baby and haven't looked back. I never imagined the effect motherhood would have on me. The mommy ears have morphed into what I assume is maternal instinct. Knowing the difference between a little fussiness and behavior that signifies an ear infection. Maybe it isn't instinct but just common sense but I can't help but be grateful for all those decisions I have made erring on the side of caution only to be so relieved I did so.

I knew immediately that I wanted another baby. I remember nursing Liliana in the middle of the night when she was only a couple months old already fantasizing about being pregnant again. Of course I wasn't (we weren't) ready then but I knew it was in our future. Around Liliana's first birthday (my 40th) we felt it was time to start trying again. After the requisite few months of trying (which seemed like years and convinced me I was too old and it wouldn't happen) we got the positive pregnancy result I had been craving for so long. This was on Halloween- Happy Halloween! I called to make my first prenatal appointment and was able to get in on December 8th- my 9th week of pregnancy. I immediately signed up for prenatal yoga even though I am the only one in the room without the beautiful, round belly.

I called my mom to share the great news. Other people learned through other ways such as guessing because I wasn't drinking wine at a party, or because I was sharing prenatal yoga class with a neighbor. Other than letting a handful of friends know because I was too excited to keep it in, we decided not to share with the rest of family or friends until we had the green light from the doctor. I am not sure why we made this decision this time around but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to hear the heart beat or even get our genetic testing back before sharing globally. It was such a nagging concern even though everything seemed fine until last week.

I started spotting- I never spotted with Liliana so I started to panic a little. The PA who saw Liliana on Wednesday for her ear infection assured me that light spotting is normal. We set off for Iowa the next day. The spotting continued and got heavier. I was completely distracted, concerned and overwhelmed with what was going on that I was mentally absent during Thanksgiving dinner. The next day Chris and I snuck off to the hospital. Blood tests showed my HCG levels to be lower than they should be at 7.5 weeks. I then had to go to another town for an ultrasound. I was panicked that they would either find it in the tube or just find an empty yolk sac. I was so relieved to see the familiar nugget on the video screen with a little fluttering in the center- it was a heartbeat. The sonographer was, in Chris' words, as warm as a snake. After the exam she handed us two pictures that had labels on the bottom showing the embryo to be 6 weeks. The confusion set in here. I am trying to figure out reasons that I may only be 6 weeks along. I know when I ovulated so I couldn't have counted wrong. But, bottom line, I saw a heartbeat. I felt relief, but not completely. It was only Friday and I would have to wait until Monday to see my doctor. By now, the family found out what was going on and came to meet us at the hospital. Everyone was congratulating me but I couldn't absorb the joy, it still felt wrong.

The bleeding subsided somewhat over the weekend so I started to think we were in the clear. My doctor would set everything straight, tell me we are on the right track and all looks good. I called first thing Monday morning and got in to see the doctor at 2:30. Throughout Monday morning and while I sat forever in the doctor's office the spotting turned red and became full on bleeding. I frantically was texting with 3 separate friends about what was going on. They gave me positive words of love, encouragement. Finally, Dr. Roth comes in to see me, starts to examine me a tells me my bleeding really isn't as much as I think it is. Okay, still some hope! I fill her in on the details, point to the packet of test results that I have had clutched in my hand for hours and she begins the ultrasound. With the screen turned away from me I watch her face, my heart pounding, I have to turn away. She breaths in and while nodding toward the packet of test results she says she sees the baby to be at 6 weeks along and she sees no heartbeat. Other words were said, I can't remember. I am not surprised, I am not, but I am devastated. Chris is out in the lobby with Liliana. She gives me my options and I choose to take a medication to speed the tissue expulsion along. It went from being my baby to being tissue in one minute.

I started this post with the intention of writing what I was feeling but got lost in recapping of details. I am drained now. What I can say, is that I never expected to be so thrown by this whole experience. I went back to the doctor today to get a follow up ultrasound to ensure everything had passed. Sitting in the waiting room amongst all the pregnant women left me short of breath and shaking my foot violently to keep from crying. When the nurse that called me back, the same one that called me back on Monday, greeted me, I couldn't speak. By the time I got to the same ultrasound room from Monday, I was crying. I wanted to completely lose it but I was all alone. I held it together and got through the exam. I am underwater in a depression that I haven't felt in a very long time. I am so anxious to start trying again but of course need to wait for my body to recover. I am in the midst of a deep, dark funk and I hope to come out the other side soon.