Insomnia

I had one of those surreal days. Looking back 12 hours later it seems like a dream. Not because anything too out of the ordinary happened, but enough to make me realize how easily my life, our lives, can get knocked off course. I should preface anything I am about to say by clearly stating that I like my job. I like the company I work for and their philosophy. I am in sales. I have been since 1997. I have been fairly successful throughout my career in sales and when my last job "dissolved" for lack of a better one word term I was extremely fortunate to find my current job in the corporate furniture industry. The economy was tanking, people were losing jobs right and left and I felt so relieved to be on the other end of things. This was January of 2009. We hadn't even seen the worst of it yet. I basically took on a territory that needed to be built from scratch during the worst economic recession since The Great Depression. I just deleted a whole bunch of lines I had written because I don't want to use this as a place to make excuses but the bottom line is, I am doing really crappy...REALLY crappy! Okay, so back to today. I initiated a lunch with my manager to catch up on things. My manager is from Norway. Amazingly nice guy, positive attitude, supportive...I think I was actually the one who brought up my performance after other discussions about projects etc... I honestly don't remember all that was said because the only thing that keeps playing over and over in my head is "it doesn't look good" and "you shouldn't be surprised". It hit me then and there that I could very easily lose my job, tomorrow, in 2 months, in January...soon.
I was in a daze the whole walk back up to our showroom. I was actually in desperate, panic mode. Texting, e-mailing, calling all of my clients as soon as I sat down. Some I know better than others and I flat out said, HELP, I think I may lose my job- whaddya got? While I am doing this, my manager is having a much different discussion with my counterpart. I heard, "great job" and "exceeding goal". I heard much despite the fact that it was under muffled breath which made me feel worse. I felt like a failure. I shouldn't put that in past tense. I FEEL like a failure. I hate this. I actually got to a place earlier this evening where I convinced myself that losing my job would be okay, we would survive. Maybe it would even open some new doors and steer me on a different path. Chris has been amazingly supportive and wonderful today. I love him so much and today he reminded me why. I look at Liliana and she is so innocent and dependent and I am failing her too. So I woke up tonight feeling very uneasy and it hit me...if I lose my job we have no health insurance!! THIS frightens me the most. I have been following the health care reform debates pretty closely and am so annoyed that the Republicans are blocking our President from putting through much needed reform. I know the cost of even COBRA if I were to lose my job and it is outrageous. I am completely freaking out right now. Of course my main goal is to not lose my job but if I do...I don't think I will be sleeping much for awhile.
So, if you know of anyone that has an office, hospital, school that needs furniture...call me!
Oh, I am going to lighten this post up a bit by putting a recent picture of my heart, my joy, love of my life...