Obsession

I officially crossed the line from being laid back and casual about trying for baby Kminek #2 to being obsessed. It happened so quickly and easily with Liliana that I think both Chris and I were a bit cocky in our attitude about conceiving again. I am kind of in denial right now as well. I am clearly not pregnant right now. All signs point to this. Example: pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT (I don't know why I insist on buying the pricey digital tests that spell out the results instead of using the age old method of colored lines). When I was pregnant with Liliana the digitals were great. It said PREGNANT- oooooh exciting! I took probably 5 tests just to keep seeing the results and to have the now classic X-mas gift for my parents to announce the addition of their 5th grandchild. On the flip side, seeing those words NOT PREGNANT over and over is just plain rude. I don't stare at the stick. I read the results, process the information in nanoseconds, throw test away and move on to something else. I pretend it didn't happen. I pretend that I don't care, that I am confident the next time around we will conceive, that I know this is totally normal and it is nothing to be concerned about. Uggh, who am I kidding. Like I said before, I am now obsessed. Not only does the pregnancy test prove it, I am also spotting. But here is where I am driving myself crazy. This is what goes through my head: the spotting is probably implantation bleeding b/c my period isn't due for another 2 days (timing off so really this can't be right), the test was wrong, WRONG b/c I am testing before my missed period so I really should be testing first thing in the morning instead of middle of the day so I really could still be pregnant. Seriously, I am in denial. I need to move on, enjoy a glass of wine and a soup bowl size mug full of coffee (at the same time just to give those conception fairies the middle finger) and try again next month. No, I don't really believe in conception fairies. I am a scientific minded person after all which is part of my problem. I am over analyzing everything from my hormone levels to mucous consistency (sorry about that) to uterus position. I need to RELAX. Now I am afraid this stress is going to make it even harder. I am on a slippery slope dammit.

Change of gears, I heard this story this morning on NPR about lead in children's toys. It makes me so angry that we can't trust toy manufacturers to produce toys that our safe for our children!! We are talking brands like Baby Einstein and Disney. What the hell! Don't we have enough to worry about when trying to keep our babies safe? Liliana just got a crap load of new toys for her birthday and I have no idea if they could be potentially harmful or not. Maybe she has triple the amount of lead in her blood right now, it is affecting her brain and that is why she still isn't saying mama and dada. Crap. Click HERE for the story.