Happy Holidays

I feel like there is too much information to share and not enough time. I currently have a flourless chocolate cake in the oven that was supposed to be done 30 minutes ago but thanks to my crappy oven which keeps randomly shutting off while the cake is supposed to be baking, it is still a soupy concoction. Not to mention, when I first pulled it out to test it the oven rack wouldn't slide easily so the water bath that the cake is baking in sloshed right into the batter certainly ruining the cake for good. We shall see but I am not optimistic- Ho Ho Ho.
Liliana is currently sleeping as she has moved to one afternoon nap.
She continues to lack any discernable vocabulary but freakishly understands everything. She can follow instructions when asked to get something, do something (or NOT do something.)
Santa Fe was a great visit with the family and I feel like she changed by leaps and bounds over that week. Watching her walk around is awesome and she laughs all the time. She loves to be chased- especially by my mom's weiner dogs. I have some great video that I will post after I figure out my new video camera.
The holidays are upon us and next year Liliana will have a firm understanding of presents and toys. I am truly a grinch but my heart is starting to grow in anticipation of making this time of year memorable for my baby.
Happy Holidays to everyone.

12 above Zero

This is both the predicted temperature for tomorrow in Chicago and my hCG levels. For those of you who don't speak hormone levels, this just means my body is almost ready to start trying to conceive again. They fell from almost 3000 last monday to 12 in one week. Pregnant, not pregnant- no confusion there. The doctor wants to monitor the levels to zero then after one cycle we can start trying again.

In Liliana news, she has a wicked fever. It came on suddenly on Monday night. It was a whopping 103. It has fluctuated between 101.4 and 102.5 since then (with Motrin suppression). Her mood has been fairly good until today. She is not herself-very whiny, crying, clingy and not eating. All totally understandable. Doctor confirmed her ear infection is cleared up so it is some virus (likely not H1N1 since she has been vaccinated). This is the week she was supposed to start her cool, new home daycare. We found a great lady just blocks from us who is a retired Montessori teacher and has been doing this for 30 years. She has 5 children max in her care and brings in story tellers and singers weekly. I am so disappointed that Liliana is missing out on this but more sad that she is so sick. I hope she is travel ready by next Tuesday when we are off to New Mexico.

The sickness has provided me with one sweet nugget. This morning she woke up several times from 4:00am on. Chris was out of bed at 5:00am for early appointments so when she woke up crying at 6:00 I brought her in the bed with me. I try this from time to time and she just wants to play but this morning she put her head on the pillow next to mine and fell asleep. It was sweet bliss for me. I love that she sleeps in her own crib for 12 hours at a stretch (usually) but to nap next to her for an hour or so is beautiful.

Liliana makes everything better

I am lifting out of the muck and feeling much more like myself. My body is back to normal and I am optimistically forward thinking. I am now much more driven to start exercising in preparation for a future conception. All week I had this unquenchable need to be with Liliana. Lucky for me, she chose this week to learn how to hug on command. Unlucky for her, she didn't realize that I wouldn't be so easy to pry away from. I found myself smelling her neck, her head, kissing her constantly and squeezing her with no intention of letting go. I wanted to crawl in her crib and sleep with her. Thank god for her.

A Mother's Instinct

When Chris and I were the proud parents of 3 cats, before Liliana was even a desire in our lives, I had what I called "mommy ears". I could hear the kitties meowing, or scratching to come inside from anywhere in the house. I was proud of my mommy ears because it was the closest thing to a maternal symptom that I ever imagined I would experience. Of course 2 years ago we made the decision to be mommy and daddy to a 2 legged, furless baby and haven't looked back. I never imagined the effect motherhood would have on me. The mommy ears have morphed into what I assume is maternal instinct. Knowing the difference between a little fussiness and behavior that signifies an ear infection. Maybe it isn't instinct but just common sense but I can't help but be grateful for all those decisions I have made erring on the side of caution only to be so relieved I did so.

I knew immediately that I wanted another baby. I remember nursing Liliana in the middle of the night when she was only a couple months old already fantasizing about being pregnant again. Of course I wasn't (we weren't) ready then but I knew it was in our future. Around Liliana's first birthday (my 40th) we felt it was time to start trying again. After the requisite few months of trying (which seemed like years and convinced me I was too old and it wouldn't happen) we got the positive pregnancy result I had been craving for so long. This was on Halloween- Happy Halloween! I called to make my first prenatal appointment and was able to get in on December 8th- my 9th week of pregnancy. I immediately signed up for prenatal yoga even though I am the only one in the room without the beautiful, round belly.

I called my mom to share the great news. Other people learned through other ways such as guessing because I wasn't drinking wine at a party, or because I was sharing prenatal yoga class with a neighbor. Other than letting a handful of friends know because I was too excited to keep it in, we decided not to share with the rest of family or friends until we had the green light from the doctor. I am not sure why we made this decision this time around but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to hear the heart beat or even get our genetic testing back before sharing globally. It was such a nagging concern even though everything seemed fine until last week.

I started spotting- I never spotted with Liliana so I started to panic a little. The PA who saw Liliana on Wednesday for her ear infection assured me that light spotting is normal. We set off for Iowa the next day. The spotting continued and got heavier. I was completely distracted, concerned and overwhelmed with what was going on that I was mentally absent during Thanksgiving dinner. The next day Chris and I snuck off to the hospital. Blood tests showed my HCG levels to be lower than they should be at 7.5 weeks. I then had to go to another town for an ultrasound. I was panicked that they would either find it in the tube or just find an empty yolk sac. I was so relieved to see the familiar nugget on the video screen with a little fluttering in the center- it was a heartbeat. The sonographer was, in Chris' words, as warm as a snake. After the exam she handed us two pictures that had labels on the bottom showing the embryo to be 6 weeks. The confusion set in here. I am trying to figure out reasons that I may only be 6 weeks along. I know when I ovulated so I couldn't have counted wrong. But, bottom line, I saw a heartbeat. I felt relief, but not completely. It was only Friday and I would have to wait until Monday to see my doctor. By now, the family found out what was going on and came to meet us at the hospital. Everyone was congratulating me but I couldn't absorb the joy, it still felt wrong.

The bleeding subsided somewhat over the weekend so I started to think we were in the clear. My doctor would set everything straight, tell me we are on the right track and all looks good. I called first thing Monday morning and got in to see the doctor at 2:30. Throughout Monday morning and while I sat forever in the doctor's office the spotting turned red and became full on bleeding. I frantically was texting with 3 separate friends about what was going on. They gave me positive words of love, encouragement. Finally, Dr. Roth comes in to see me, starts to examine me a tells me my bleeding really isn't as much as I think it is. Okay, still some hope! I fill her in on the details, point to the packet of test results that I have had clutched in my hand for hours and she begins the ultrasound. With the screen turned away from me I watch her face, my heart pounding, I have to turn away. She breaths in and while nodding toward the packet of test results she says she sees the baby to be at 6 weeks along and she sees no heartbeat. Other words were said, I can't remember. I am not surprised, I am not, but I am devastated. Chris is out in the lobby with Liliana. She gives me my options and I choose to take a medication to speed the tissue expulsion along. It went from being my baby to being tissue in one minute.

I started this post with the intention of writing what I was feeling but got lost in recapping of details. I am drained now. What I can say, is that I never expected to be so thrown by this whole experience. I went back to the doctor today to get a follow up ultrasound to ensure everything had passed. Sitting in the waiting room amongst all the pregnant women left me short of breath and shaking my foot violently to keep from crying. When the nurse that called me back, the same one that called me back on Monday, greeted me, I couldn't speak. By the time I got to the same ultrasound room from Monday, I was crying. I wanted to completely lose it but I was all alone. I held it together and got through the exam. I am underwater in a depression that I haven't felt in a very long time. I am so anxious to start trying again but of course need to wait for my body to recover. I am in the midst of a deep, dark funk and I hope to come out the other side soon.

Nod to Mo

I had a Knuffle Bunny experience this morning. Liliana was keeping me company in the kitchen while I made coffee and prepared her breakfast. She was sitting in front of the freezer drawer (we have a fridge/freezer combo with the french doors on top and large freezer door on the bottom) screeching and pointing. As this is her most effective way of communicating, I had to guess what she wanted. It is a game of trial and error with her. You pull out things that you think she may want and if you don't have it right, she pushes it away. When you hit the nail on the head and offer her the object of desire, she smiles and giggles fanatically with her nose and eyes squinched. So, this morning it was the 16 value pack of blueberry waffles. I let her play with the box while I finished up with the coffee and her breakfast. I decided I didn't want her dumping the waffles on the floor so I put the waffle box back in the freezer. She just about had a complete meltdown over this. She kept pointing to the freezer drawer screeching and vocalizing with her "da da's, ba ba's and eh eh's". I gave in to her demands and pulled the waffle box back out deciding it was fine for her to play with box and I would just remove the inner waffle pack and put it back in the freezer. When I reached my hand in to pull out the waffles I discovered her baby doll in the waffle box. Ooooh sweet reunion with giggles and squinchy face! The waffle box is now part of our toy rotation but Liliana left baby doll in a new home before her nap.

Bath Time fun

We have words!

The doctor informed me today that sounds like horse whinnies, sheep bleats and dog barks are actually considered words in the world of a 15 month old. Hooray! Add those three to "buh bye" and she officially has 4 words. I also learned that her fine motor skills are extremely advanced- hmmm brilliant she is- I KNEW IT!

Good grief. I am home with Liliana today because my nanny cancelled on me. The cleaning lady is here and is upstairs clearly doing demolition work. How does Liliana sleep through the ruckus? Holy cow, I hope to have an expanded master bath after all that noise but I will settle for a clean toilet.

Imaginary Play

I have to buffer my last post with cuteness. But for those of you who may be wondering, yesterday my boss stated on our weekly conference call that he wanted to reschedule or 2010 planning meeting so I could be there. Good sign? I hope so- I do like this company a lot...

Okay, so Liliana is so imaginative in her play. We have that Kozy Coupe car that is inside the house right now. She puts her dolls and animals in it for rides. What is so funny though is they have to get in the car through the open door. She can't put them through the window or the back. They also have to be sitting correctly; facing front and actually on their tushes if they have them. Then when everyone is properly situated, she goes to the back of the car and pushes them around the house while making car noises. I love it! Wasn't it just yesterday she was wildly fascinated with the movement of the ceiling fan?

The Stress and the Joy

I vowed I wasn't going to write about work anymore. It is dangerous territory in the blogosphere (see Jen Lancaster and Heather Armstrong). Perhaps these are poor examples because both of them have been catapulted into celebrity and a higher tax bracket as a result of their blogging. Not to mention I lack their gift of wit and talent. In any case, I feel like an elephant has been sitting on my chest the last couple of weeks. Quickly, to recap and not to enter a huge gripe fest, these are the main details. 1) received a letter from manager saying that I have to book a couple of projects in order to retain my position with my company. No quantifiable goals provided or offer of assistance for me to achieve this nebulous goal. So, I have booked a couple of projects. As a result, I sent an e-mail which leads to #2. 2) Sent e-mail to manager pointing out my booked projects and would like to sit down with him next time he is in town or even speak over the phone to get a temperature check of my situation with the chicago team. Crickets, nothing, no response. 3)Received an e-mail as part of a large group distribution about 2010 planning meetings. The Chicago team meeting is set for a date when I will be in Santa Fe. I replied and pointed this out to my manager and he said he was aware but couldn't reschedule. That we could catch up at a different time. Hmmm, not necessary for me to be at the 2010 planning meeting. For fuck sake stop stringing me along!! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to be employed but this unknown about my future employment is so stressful! Not to mention, the strategy and unprofessionalism is highly demotivating.
We had to let our nanny go because we are 99% sure I will be getting the ax. She is working up until I leave for New Mexico. The holidays follow that trip so the timing worked out. If I am off the mark, or am right and find another job, we will put Liliana in daycare which she will enjoy.
She loves other children and will benefit from the stimulation and interaction. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so this is leading us somewhere, it is just hard to go through the muck until you come out on the other side. What is so amazing though is how sitting on the floor with Liliana while we play with her Fisher Price Little People brings peace and calm. It is true that the joy of a child trumps everything.

Ghosts and Dinosaurs-Not a Halloween Post

Technically Liliana can walk. She has shown us several times that she can stand on her own. She will be playing in the middle of the room and I look over at her and she is standing- no fan fare, no drama, just standing. It is kind of Poltergeistish. There is the scene when the family is in the kitchen and the mom looks back and without any noise or notice the furniture is stacked precariously in an impossible pile. Haunting aside, Liliana has reached what I consider the most exciting milestone so far. It has been really amazing watching this development. She is so proud of herself with this accomplishment but she has yet to really utilize this new skill. She is a darn good crawler and doesn't quite see the need to wobbly transport herself from one spot to the next when she can do it much more efficiently on all fours and not risk falling over.

There are a couple new behaviors that are important to note. The first is the Pterodactyl scream when she either wants something or sees a kitty. It is painful to hear. I can literally feel my eardrum contracting inside my ear when she makes this sound. She has very few words (none actually) but I am not going to focus on that because I am not concerned. She is learning 2 languages right now and I believe she is just trying to sort that out. She clearly understands most of what we say. She will speak in her own time. In the meantime we have to suffer through the prehistoric screech for her to get her point across. Secondly, she has begun to throw mini tantrums when she gets frustrated. She resorts to using whatever toy is in her hand to hit things and then throw them. She furrows her brow and gets this very concerned look on her face. I can't help but laugh when she does this which only makes her more angry. It is a passing thing but Chris and I both can't help but wonder if this is just a toddler thing or a sign of an angry streak in her personality.

We are driving to Iowa in 3 weeks for Thanksgiving. That could potentially be a stressful trip. I am more terrified of our trip to Santa Fe in December. I am traveling alone with Liliana on a plane. I hope she will have moved beyond the screaming by then because I don't want to be kicked off the plane.

Now the fun begins!

November 3rd: Liliana has taken 4 unassited steps while giggling through the short journey right into mama's arms. She finishes with a huge hug for me. It is the sweetest feeling ever.

Step One: Take One step

Liliana took her official first steps today October 27th. It was only a couple very shaky ones and we got one step on video. Congrats baby girl! 2 videos: 1 is this morning and the other is late afternoon- what a difference a day makes!

Lube and Oil Change please!

Okay, just a very quick note here to say how extrememly annoyed I am. This is a TMI post so for those of you who just want updates on Liliana, come back in a few days...
At my last Gynie appointment I expressed to my doctor that we were interested in having another baby but in was kinda hurty if you know what I mean...So she recommends Barbara Walter's favorite product Astroglide! Well, been trying to conceive for the last several months only to find out that personal lubricants such as KY and Astroglide slow down or stop sperm motility.
Great, thanks Doc!
Grrrrr.

The Science of Sleep

Sleep seems to be an issue in our household lately. I love sleep. Nothing I love more than pulling back the covers to reveal freshly washed sheets and sliding my way under the fluffy down comforter and feeling the soft linens against my freshly shaven legs. Then a lay my head back on the puffy down pillow and open the pages of a good book and lose myself for an hour or two into a fictional world. After, I turn out the light, snuggle down into the pillow and fall into deep, wonderful dreams. Ahhhh, I love that- cue the sound of a needle being dragged over a vinyl LP. REALITY: I make my way over 5 days worth of shedded clothes on my side of the bed and add to the pile by kicking off my sweat pants before pulling the fitted sheet back onto the mattress to get it as taught as I can- then I brush off any crumbs that might be there as remnants from my feet the night before after having walked over bits of cereal bars or cheerios. As I am about to get into bed I hear Chris whispering from the hallway that he wanted to change the sheets tonight but I. am. too. tired. I can't possibly help or even wait to have that done- tomorrow- let's do it tomorrow. So I get into bed to feel the stubble on my legs and my 5 months since last pedicure feet snag on the sheets. I commandeer my pillow from Chris' side of the bed which was most recently used as a big ear muff to keep him from hearing Liliana in the morning. I fluff it up, grab my book, read the same page that I have read the last 3 nights- still doesn't seem familiar- then I turn out the light and pass out. Ahhhh, then I wake up 4 hours later in a panic over job, money, Liliana, future embryo Kminek, the numerous cats in our house...
Chris and I seem to alternate our insomniac schedules- I can get a decent night's sleep on the nights he is downstairs watching Steve Carell in Get Smart or The Great Escape for the 50th time. He is upstairs snoring away on the nights I am down here chatting with other insomniac friends on Facebook. And then there is Liliana- sleeping. She is a champion sleeper. For those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning you know what a great sleeper she is and how lucky we feel for that. She is going through a new phase though that has Chris and I stressed out. Chris hit the nail on the head tonight when he described it as separation anxiety. After all the night time rituals of bath, book, then bed she normally grabs Wally Kowalski her beloved Koala and rolls onto her side and it OUT. The last week though she has been crying the second we put her in the crib. Not a little cry but immediately goes for the crying without breathing method as she has her head bent while on all fours. Then as we go to leave the room, she stands at the side of the crib and SCREAMS. We kiss her, tell her we love her and GET THE HELL OUT of the room. The cries of sadness turn into cries of anger. She yells and screams. Chris is obsessed with the monitor. He turns it on to listen to the level of distress in her cries. I go by the idea of turning the monitor all the way down and watching the pretty red lights jump around or, better yet, turn that sucker off! We don't even NEED the monitor, we can hear her crying just fine without it. We won't go to her though. She needs to fall asleep- she is one smart cookie and knows if we come get her that it will become habit and all she has to do is cry her ass off and we will come get her for just a little more playtime with mommy and daddy. That is what we had been doing but enough is enough! So cry it out method activate! Seems to be working. She is only screaming for about 15 minutes now down from 45 minutes at the longest. Then she sleeps like the sleeping rock star she has always been.

Liliana Facts at 13.5 months:

• standing occasionally unassisted for a few seconds
• walks with only holding one hand but looks like a baby chimp while doing it
  
• crawls as fast as the wind
• says dada incessantly and has yet to utter anything close to mama
• hates carrots
• loves kitties- got her first kitty scratch on the back of her hand and seems very proud of it .
  
• kisses everything
• is starting to get into the muppets for 3 minute stretches
• is loved so insanely much by her parents I am afraid we are going to damage her with all the squeezing
• is going to be an octopus for Halloween

Hello Fall

The weather is turning cooler and I am realizing how warm weather makes having an active toddler an easier state of being. All of us in our mom's group are searching out other alternatives for entertainment like music and play classes but I am amazed (or actually not amazed at all) at how expensive they are. The other problem is the times they are held would make sticking to a nap schedule impossible. To me, Liliana's sleep is the most important so life needs to revolve around her naps and not the other way around. Today we are going to stop by a small Children's Museum which is walking distance from our house. This could be a great, inexpensive alternative for this shoestring budget household!
Since Mercury went direct, my previously chaotic life and mind seem to have calmed quite a bit. You may or may not believe it but I have MANY friends that can tell you this shit is for real!
I feel concerned still about work but know that I am doing the best I can and have received a couple amazing compliments from clients which, to me, is what it is all about. It just helped reinforce that I am good at what I do but sometimes things are out of your control.
Baby #2 still eludes us and it gets more difficult every month but this month I only took 2 pregnancy tests so I am less freaky about it now. Maybe next time I will actually wait until I miss my period instead of counting down to exactly 4 days before I expect it, holding my pee in all night and then running to the bathroom when I can't hold it anymore to pee on the stick. Then when it says NOT PREGNANT I won't be convincing myself that I took it too early, that my pee was too diluted etc etc...I know it will happen, I do, I do, I do.
Liliana is going to be a wonderful big sister when the time is right. Right now, life is so beautiful with our family of 3. No matter how crazy things are on the outside, when I look at her I instantly become peaceful and warm. We are having a blast. I have to say 1 more time the Chris is an amazing father- I love him and my family.

Mommy needs Meds

Wow the realization that I have really crossed the line into mommyhood hit me this morning while getting dressed. While I stood over my jumbled underwear drawer trying to decide which pair to wear, I found myself digging for the cotton, sensible Hanes. I used to pass those by as an absolute last resort in search for the thong. Now those get tossed aside as I opt for the welcoming softness and size of the cotton bikini brief. It is not only with the underwear that I have noticed a change, but I tend to spend less time worrying about the wrinkles around my eyes, if my hair looks perfect or if I have on lip gloss. It isn't that I don't care about my appearance or that I go to the grocery store in my froggy pajama bottoms, I just have let go of certain aspects of my life that used to hold such high priority.
There is another aspect I WISH I could let go- I have deep rooted insecurities that bubble up to the surface every now and then and they become as obvious as my newly adopted panty lines. They take over my life as evidence in my last post. They creep into work, into relationships and, now, into motherhood. With work I am convinced that I am failing and that everyone around me is aware of it and discussing it with each other- yes paranoia comes to your mind I bet.
With Liliana I am afraid that I am going to smother her with love. What? Isn't that crazy? I don't know, I just want to hug and kiss her all the time! She pushes me away now to get to much more important tasks like placing her rings onto her stacking toy- she has mastered this and I am so proud of her! She is so independent which is awesome. I want to encourage that and I want her to feel confident and secure and I don't want my shortcomings to negatively impact her. I should stress that these feelings come in waves. It isn't a constant- I often feel quite confident and competent in my abilities as an employee, wife and mom- just that right now there is a storm brewing and the waves are higher than usual. Blame it on Mercury in retrograde, change of the seasons, world financial crises, genetics, hormones...
I feel wonderful though to have a couple good friends that I can call anytime (Justine- right at you girl!), my OWN mommy who is really just so completely amazing at understanding what I go through and Chris who knows when I need a hug. I sound like I just accepted an Emmy or am writing acknowledgements to a book.
With all that, on to what you probably came here for- Liliana is becoming more verbal but no real words yet. She clearly identifies BALL and BALLOON with the same B sound. She is still fanatical about both objects. She used her walking push toy for the first time yesterday and now confidently scoots it around the house while running into every doorway, table and cat in the house. We inherited the now infamous toy car from some neighbors and she loves to ride in it. She also loves to look at the Elvis book, so does her Dad...

Insomnia

I had one of those surreal days. Looking back 12 hours later it seems like a dream. Not because anything too out of the ordinary happened, but enough to make me realize how easily my life, our lives, can get knocked off course. I should preface anything I am about to say by clearly stating that I like my job. I like the company I work for and their philosophy. I am in sales. I have been since 1997. I have been fairly successful throughout my career in sales and when my last job "dissolved" for lack of a better one word term I was extremely fortunate to find my current job in the corporate furniture industry. The economy was tanking, people were losing jobs right and left and I felt so relieved to be on the other end of things. This was January of 2009. We hadn't even seen the worst of it yet. I basically took on a territory that needed to be built from scratch during the worst economic recession since The Great Depression. I just deleted a whole bunch of lines I had written because I don't want to use this as a place to make excuses but the bottom line is, I am doing really crappy...REALLY crappy! Okay, so back to today. I initiated a lunch with my manager to catch up on things. My manager is from Norway. Amazingly nice guy, positive attitude, supportive...I think I was actually the one who brought up my performance after other discussions about projects etc... I honestly don't remember all that was said because the only thing that keeps playing over and over in my head is "it doesn't look good" and "you shouldn't be surprised". It hit me then and there that I could very easily lose my job, tomorrow, in 2 months, in January...soon.
I was in a daze the whole walk back up to our showroom. I was actually in desperate, panic mode. Texting, e-mailing, calling all of my clients as soon as I sat down. Some I know better than others and I flat out said, HELP, I think I may lose my job- whaddya got? While I am doing this, my manager is having a much different discussion with my counterpart. I heard, "great job" and "exceeding goal". I heard much despite the fact that it was under muffled breath which made me feel worse. I felt like a failure. I shouldn't put that in past tense. I FEEL like a failure. I hate this. I actually got to a place earlier this evening where I convinced myself that losing my job would be okay, we would survive. Maybe it would even open some new doors and steer me on a different path. Chris has been amazingly supportive and wonderful today. I love him so much and today he reminded me why. I look at Liliana and she is so innocent and dependent and I am failing her too. So I woke up tonight feeling very uneasy and it hit me...if I lose my job we have no health insurance!! THIS frightens me the most. I have been following the health care reform debates pretty closely and am so annoyed that the Republicans are blocking our President from putting through much needed reform. I know the cost of even COBRA if I were to lose my job and it is outrageous. I am completely freaking out right now. Of course my main goal is to not lose my job but if I do...I don't think I will be sleeping much for awhile.
So, if you know of anyone that has an office, hospital, school that needs furniture...call me!
Oh, I am going to lighten this post up a bit by putting a recent picture of my heart, my joy, love of my life...

Memento

What is your first memory? How old were you? Do we only remember back to a certain time b/c of synaptic and myelin sheath development or is there also an unconscious blocking of certain memories? My recollection of first memories changes as I get older and interact with Liliana. For the longest time, probably since I was 6 or 7 I would brag that I could remember an event around the age of 2. I remember a gumball machine next to the front door of some shop in Oak Park, IL where we lived until the summer of my 4th birthday. I also have vague memories of finding a dollar under a grate in the street and a much more vivid memory of the green plastic hockey stick my oldest brother Doug bought me for what I believe was my 3rd birthday. I also had yellow plastic rollerskates that strapped over my shoes. My brothers would skate and play hockey in the basement of our 1890's Victorian home. They also painted martians on the wall which is an image that sticks in my mind. I had the pleasure recently of visiting that home again since I have returned to Oak Park to live. The current owners have been more than kind to open the doors to me and my family to tour their house. In the basement, the martians are still there though I had to set Kelli, the current owner, straight about the artist. The former owners, the Wagners (who we sold the house to in 1973) told Kelli that THEIR kids painted the martians on the wall. I don't think she believed me that Doug was the artist but I know the truth as I REMEMBER them very clearly (as do the rest of my family). Unless I am a psychic of some sort, those martians existed PRE WAGNER. So these are a handful of memories that occurred before my fourth birthday. There are a couple of other memories that I can't put a date on. One is my mom telling me to have "sweet dreams" before putting me to bed. I then understood that a dream was a puffy figure resembling the Hydrox guy but without limbs. The dream would emerge from between the wall and my crib at night while I slept. I remember staring at the wall until the mattress striping wallpaper would start to move and appear 3D. I also remember having complete fit and meltdown on my changing table. I think my babysitter Cate was changing me. This latest memory came to me recently as Liliana has been having meltdowns on the changing table. So this led me to wonder if she will remember any of this year ahead of her. The way she process things and plays with her toys is so intentional and purposeful that I am constantly wondering if she will remember any of it. Will she remember how the neighbors Karishma and Anjelie play with her on the blanket in front of our house? Will she remember the menagerie of cats cycling through our house? For me, the majority of my memories from childhood are spotty at best and that makes me sad. Life was chaotic and stressful for much of my growing up. I don't blame or fault anyone for this (anymore), it is just the way it was but I want Liliana to have a more stable, happy home life. Maybe this will help her remember all the fun we are having and will have for years to come.