Step One: Take One step

Liliana took her official first steps today October 27th. It was only a couple very shaky ones and we got one step on video. Congrats baby girl! 2 videos: 1 is this morning and the other is late afternoon- what a difference a day makes!

Lube and Oil Change please!

Okay, just a very quick note here to say how extrememly annoyed I am. This is a TMI post so for those of you who just want updates on Liliana, come back in a few days...
At my last Gynie appointment I expressed to my doctor that we were interested in having another baby but in was kinda hurty if you know what I mean...So she recommends Barbara Walter's favorite product Astroglide! Well, been trying to conceive for the last several months only to find out that personal lubricants such as KY and Astroglide slow down or stop sperm motility.
Great, thanks Doc!
Grrrrr.

The Science of Sleep

Sleep seems to be an issue in our household lately. I love sleep. Nothing I love more than pulling back the covers to reveal freshly washed sheets and sliding my way under the fluffy down comforter and feeling the soft linens against my freshly shaven legs. Then a lay my head back on the puffy down pillow and open the pages of a good book and lose myself for an hour or two into a fictional world. After, I turn out the light, snuggle down into the pillow and fall into deep, wonderful dreams. Ahhhh, I love that- cue the sound of a needle being dragged over a vinyl LP. REALITY: I make my way over 5 days worth of shedded clothes on my side of the bed and add to the pile by kicking off my sweat pants before pulling the fitted sheet back onto the mattress to get it as taught as I can- then I brush off any crumbs that might be there as remnants from my feet the night before after having walked over bits of cereal bars or cheerios. As I am about to get into bed I hear Chris whispering from the hallway that he wanted to change the sheets tonight but I. am. too. tired. I can't possibly help or even wait to have that done- tomorrow- let's do it tomorrow. So I get into bed to feel the stubble on my legs and my 5 months since last pedicure feet snag on the sheets. I commandeer my pillow from Chris' side of the bed which was most recently used as a big ear muff to keep him from hearing Liliana in the morning. I fluff it up, grab my book, read the same page that I have read the last 3 nights- still doesn't seem familiar- then I turn out the light and pass out. Ahhhh, then I wake up 4 hours later in a panic over job, money, Liliana, future embryo Kminek, the numerous cats in our house...
Chris and I seem to alternate our insomniac schedules- I can get a decent night's sleep on the nights he is downstairs watching Steve Carell in Get Smart or The Great Escape for the 50th time. He is upstairs snoring away on the nights I am down here chatting with other insomniac friends on Facebook. And then there is Liliana- sleeping. She is a champion sleeper. For those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning you know what a great sleeper she is and how lucky we feel for that. She is going through a new phase though that has Chris and I stressed out. Chris hit the nail on the head tonight when he described it as separation anxiety. After all the night time rituals of bath, book, then bed she normally grabs Wally Kowalski her beloved Koala and rolls onto her side and it OUT. The last week though she has been crying the second we put her in the crib. Not a little cry but immediately goes for the crying without breathing method as she has her head bent while on all fours. Then as we go to leave the room, she stands at the side of the crib and SCREAMS. We kiss her, tell her we love her and GET THE HELL OUT of the room. The cries of sadness turn into cries of anger. She yells and screams. Chris is obsessed with the monitor. He turns it on to listen to the level of distress in her cries. I go by the idea of turning the monitor all the way down and watching the pretty red lights jump around or, better yet, turn that sucker off! We don't even NEED the monitor, we can hear her crying just fine without it. We won't go to her though. She needs to fall asleep- she is one smart cookie and knows if we come get her that it will become habit and all she has to do is cry her ass off and we will come get her for just a little more playtime with mommy and daddy. That is what we had been doing but enough is enough! So cry it out method activate! Seems to be working. She is only screaming for about 15 minutes now down from 45 minutes at the longest. Then she sleeps like the sleeping rock star she has always been.

Liliana Facts at 13.5 months:

• standing occasionally unassisted for a few seconds
• walks with only holding one hand but looks like a baby chimp while doing it
  
• crawls as fast as the wind
• says dada incessantly and has yet to utter anything close to mama
• hates carrots
• loves kitties- got her first kitty scratch on the back of her hand and seems very proud of it .
  
• kisses everything
• is starting to get into the muppets for 3 minute stretches
• is loved so insanely much by her parents I am afraid we are going to damage her with all the squeezing
• is going to be an octopus for Halloween

Hello Fall

The weather is turning cooler and I am realizing how warm weather makes having an active toddler an easier state of being. All of us in our mom's group are searching out other alternatives for entertainment like music and play classes but I am amazed (or actually not amazed at all) at how expensive they are. The other problem is the times they are held would make sticking to a nap schedule impossible. To me, Liliana's sleep is the most important so life needs to revolve around her naps and not the other way around. Today we are going to stop by a small Children's Museum which is walking distance from our house. This could be a great, inexpensive alternative for this shoestring budget household!
Since Mercury went direct, my previously chaotic life and mind seem to have calmed quite a bit. You may or may not believe it but I have MANY friends that can tell you this shit is for real!
I feel concerned still about work but know that I am doing the best I can and have received a couple amazing compliments from clients which, to me, is what it is all about. It just helped reinforce that I am good at what I do but sometimes things are out of your control.
Baby #2 still eludes us and it gets more difficult every month but this month I only took 2 pregnancy tests so I am less freaky about it now. Maybe next time I will actually wait until I miss my period instead of counting down to exactly 4 days before I expect it, holding my pee in all night and then running to the bathroom when I can't hold it anymore to pee on the stick. Then when it says NOT PREGNANT I won't be convincing myself that I took it too early, that my pee was too diluted etc etc...I know it will happen, I do, I do, I do.
Liliana is going to be a wonderful big sister when the time is right. Right now, life is so beautiful with our family of 3. No matter how crazy things are on the outside, when I look at her I instantly become peaceful and warm. We are having a blast. I have to say 1 more time the Chris is an amazing father- I love him and my family.

Mommy needs Meds

Wow the realization that I have really crossed the line into mommyhood hit me this morning while getting dressed. While I stood over my jumbled underwear drawer trying to decide which pair to wear, I found myself digging for the cotton, sensible Hanes. I used to pass those by as an absolute last resort in search for the thong. Now those get tossed aside as I opt for the welcoming softness and size of the cotton bikini brief. It is not only with the underwear that I have noticed a change, but I tend to spend less time worrying about the wrinkles around my eyes, if my hair looks perfect or if I have on lip gloss. It isn't that I don't care about my appearance or that I go to the grocery store in my froggy pajama bottoms, I just have let go of certain aspects of my life that used to hold such high priority.
There is another aspect I WISH I could let go- I have deep rooted insecurities that bubble up to the surface every now and then and they become as obvious as my newly adopted panty lines. They take over my life as evidence in my last post. They creep into work, into relationships and, now, into motherhood. With work I am convinced that I am failing and that everyone around me is aware of it and discussing it with each other- yes paranoia comes to your mind I bet.
With Liliana I am afraid that I am going to smother her with love. What? Isn't that crazy? I don't know, I just want to hug and kiss her all the time! She pushes me away now to get to much more important tasks like placing her rings onto her stacking toy- she has mastered this and I am so proud of her! She is so independent which is awesome. I want to encourage that and I want her to feel confident and secure and I don't want my shortcomings to negatively impact her. I should stress that these feelings come in waves. It isn't a constant- I often feel quite confident and competent in my abilities as an employee, wife and mom- just that right now there is a storm brewing and the waves are higher than usual. Blame it on Mercury in retrograde, change of the seasons, world financial crises, genetics, hormones...
I feel wonderful though to have a couple good friends that I can call anytime (Justine- right at you girl!), my OWN mommy who is really just so completely amazing at understanding what I go through and Chris who knows when I need a hug. I sound like I just accepted an Emmy or am writing acknowledgements to a book.
With all that, on to what you probably came here for- Liliana is becoming more verbal but no real words yet. She clearly identifies BALL and BALLOON with the same B sound. She is still fanatical about both objects. She used her walking push toy for the first time yesterday and now confidently scoots it around the house while running into every doorway, table and cat in the house. We inherited the now infamous toy car from some neighbors and she loves to ride in it. She also loves to look at the Elvis book, so does her Dad...

Insomnia

I had one of those surreal days. Looking back 12 hours later it seems like a dream. Not because anything too out of the ordinary happened, but enough to make me realize how easily my life, our lives, can get knocked off course. I should preface anything I am about to say by clearly stating that I like my job. I like the company I work for and their philosophy. I am in sales. I have been since 1997. I have been fairly successful throughout my career in sales and when my last job "dissolved" for lack of a better one word term I was extremely fortunate to find my current job in the corporate furniture industry. The economy was tanking, people were losing jobs right and left and I felt so relieved to be on the other end of things. This was January of 2009. We hadn't even seen the worst of it yet. I basically took on a territory that needed to be built from scratch during the worst economic recession since The Great Depression. I just deleted a whole bunch of lines I had written because I don't want to use this as a place to make excuses but the bottom line is, I am doing really crappy...REALLY crappy! Okay, so back to today. I initiated a lunch with my manager to catch up on things. My manager is from Norway. Amazingly nice guy, positive attitude, supportive...I think I was actually the one who brought up my performance after other discussions about projects etc... I honestly don't remember all that was said because the only thing that keeps playing over and over in my head is "it doesn't look good" and "you shouldn't be surprised". It hit me then and there that I could very easily lose my job, tomorrow, in 2 months, in January...soon.
I was in a daze the whole walk back up to our showroom. I was actually in desperate, panic mode. Texting, e-mailing, calling all of my clients as soon as I sat down. Some I know better than others and I flat out said, HELP, I think I may lose my job- whaddya got? While I am doing this, my manager is having a much different discussion with my counterpart. I heard, "great job" and "exceeding goal". I heard much despite the fact that it was under muffled breath which made me feel worse. I felt like a failure. I shouldn't put that in past tense. I FEEL like a failure. I hate this. I actually got to a place earlier this evening where I convinced myself that losing my job would be okay, we would survive. Maybe it would even open some new doors and steer me on a different path. Chris has been amazingly supportive and wonderful today. I love him so much and today he reminded me why. I look at Liliana and she is so innocent and dependent and I am failing her too. So I woke up tonight feeling very uneasy and it hit me...if I lose my job we have no health insurance!! THIS frightens me the most. I have been following the health care reform debates pretty closely and am so annoyed that the Republicans are blocking our President from putting through much needed reform. I know the cost of even COBRA if I were to lose my job and it is outrageous. I am completely freaking out right now. Of course my main goal is to not lose my job but if I do...I don't think I will be sleeping much for awhile.
So, if you know of anyone that has an office, hospital, school that needs furniture...call me!
Oh, I am going to lighten this post up a bit by putting a recent picture of my heart, my joy, love of my life...

Memento

What is your first memory? How old were you? Do we only remember back to a certain time b/c of synaptic and myelin sheath development or is there also an unconscious blocking of certain memories? My recollection of first memories changes as I get older and interact with Liliana. For the longest time, probably since I was 6 or 7 I would brag that I could remember an event around the age of 2. I remember a gumball machine next to the front door of some shop in Oak Park, IL where we lived until the summer of my 4th birthday. I also have vague memories of finding a dollar under a grate in the street and a much more vivid memory of the green plastic hockey stick my oldest brother Doug bought me for what I believe was my 3rd birthday. I also had yellow plastic rollerskates that strapped over my shoes. My brothers would skate and play hockey in the basement of our 1890's Victorian home. They also painted martians on the wall which is an image that sticks in my mind. I had the pleasure recently of visiting that home again since I have returned to Oak Park to live. The current owners have been more than kind to open the doors to me and my family to tour their house. In the basement, the martians are still there though I had to set Kelli, the current owner, straight about the artist. The former owners, the Wagners (who we sold the house to in 1973) told Kelli that THEIR kids painted the martians on the wall. I don't think she believed me that Doug was the artist but I know the truth as I REMEMBER them very clearly (as do the rest of my family). Unless I am a psychic of some sort, those martians existed PRE WAGNER. So these are a handful of memories that occurred before my fourth birthday. There are a couple of other memories that I can't put a date on. One is my mom telling me to have "sweet dreams" before putting me to bed. I then understood that a dream was a puffy figure resembling the Hydrox guy but without limbs. The dream would emerge from between the wall and my crib at night while I slept. I remember staring at the wall until the mattress striping wallpaper would start to move and appear 3D. I also remember having complete fit and meltdown on my changing table. I think my babysitter Cate was changing me. This latest memory came to me recently as Liliana has been having meltdowns on the changing table. So this led me to wonder if she will remember any of this year ahead of her. The way she process things and plays with her toys is so intentional and purposeful that I am constantly wondering if she will remember any of it. Will she remember how the neighbors Karishma and Anjelie play with her on the blanket in front of our house? Will she remember the menagerie of cats cycling through our house? For me, the majority of my memories from childhood are spotty at best and that makes me sad. Life was chaotic and stressful for much of my growing up. I don't blame or fault anyone for this (anymore), it is just the way it was but I want Liliana to have a more stable, happy home life. Maybe this will help her remember all the fun we are having and will have for years to come.

Obsession

I officially crossed the line from being laid back and casual about trying for baby Kminek #2 to being obsessed. It happened so quickly and easily with Liliana that I think both Chris and I were a bit cocky in our attitude about conceiving again. I am kind of in denial right now as well. I am clearly not pregnant right now. All signs point to this. Example: pregnancy test says NOT PREGNANT (I don't know why I insist on buying the pricey digital tests that spell out the results instead of using the age old method of colored lines). When I was pregnant with Liliana the digitals were great. It said PREGNANT- oooooh exciting! I took probably 5 tests just to keep seeing the results and to have the now classic X-mas gift for my parents to announce the addition of their 5th grandchild. On the flip side, seeing those words NOT PREGNANT over and over is just plain rude. I don't stare at the stick. I read the results, process the information in nanoseconds, throw test away and move on to something else. I pretend it didn't happen. I pretend that I don't care, that I am confident the next time around we will conceive, that I know this is totally normal and it is nothing to be concerned about. Uggh, who am I kidding. Like I said before, I am now obsessed. Not only does the pregnancy test prove it, I am also spotting. But here is where I am driving myself crazy. This is what goes through my head: the spotting is probably implantation bleeding b/c my period isn't due for another 2 days (timing off so really this can't be right), the test was wrong, WRONG b/c I am testing before my missed period so I really should be testing first thing in the morning instead of middle of the day so I really could still be pregnant. Seriously, I am in denial. I need to move on, enjoy a glass of wine and a soup bowl size mug full of coffee (at the same time just to give those conception fairies the middle finger) and try again next month. No, I don't really believe in conception fairies. I am a scientific minded person after all which is part of my problem. I am over analyzing everything from my hormone levels to mucous consistency (sorry about that) to uterus position. I need to RELAX. Now I am afraid this stress is going to make it even harder. I am on a slippery slope dammit.

Change of gears, I heard this story this morning on NPR about lead in children's toys. It makes me so angry that we can't trust toy manufacturers to produce toys that our safe for our children!! We are talking brands like Baby Einstein and Disney. What the hell! Don't we have enough to worry about when trying to keep our babies safe? Liliana just got a crap load of new toys for her birthday and I have no idea if they could be potentially harmful or not. Maybe she has triple the amount of lead in her blood right now, it is affecting her brain and that is why she still isn't saying mama and dada. Crap. Click HERE for the story.

Middle Age Crazy

I am suddenly feeling a new sense of pressure with my blog. It was the simple act of adding my blog address to my signature for my personal e-mail that has led me to feel a sense of responsibility to update, inform and possibly even entertain an anonymous audience. I have enjoyed writing this blog and sharing Liliana's achievements with friends and family. Lately though I am feeling a bit bored with reporting milestone successes. However, as Liliana enters this whole new world on the other side of "1" I have a feeling there will be no shortage of material when it comes to funny or scary stories. BUT, I am also having this desire to explore deeper within myself and share more of my fears, thoughts and experiences. I know a lot of people think it is crazy to put those things out there into the nebulous universe of the blogosphere. It certainly isn't for everyone but it is what I want to do. Maybe this is my skydiving "40 style". I hope you stick with me and share my blog with others if you enjoy it. Sharing comments is also encouraged if you have words of wisdom, thoughts or even criticism. I want to use this as a platform to learn more about myself and others.
Thanks for reading...
Oh, and the birthday weekend was fantastic- Liliana is DA BOMB as far as I am concerned- best baby ever...

A Mother Looks at Forty

Less than a week until my 40th birthday. I found my first gray hair last week, and then 2 more this morning. I suspect they have been there all along but due to household budget cuts I have not colored my hair in over a year so they are now clearly visible.
I remember approaching 30 and felt that I had to have a real freak out about it. I bought several books containing advice and funny anecdotes to help ease into my 4th decade. I even jumped out of an airplane to celebrate the momentous event. In reality, I didn't truly feel very affected by it. It was just another number to me but I was trying to make it a bigger deal because it seemed everyone did- Saturn returning and all that jazz. Okay, so here I am facing 40 and again I am not really experiencing the freak out. Besides, 40 is the new 30 ( or so I have heard more times than I can keep track). Except this time, it seems the significance of 40 could possibly have a more meaningful impact on my life. We are trying to have another baby (no need to keep it a secret). With Liliana, one try and boom, done. Granted we haven't been trying for #2 long but it didn't happen right away. I am not concerned or saddened but my mind does start to go to the place of internet headlines and stories of old eggs and downs syndrome etc... I have become somewhat superstitious too. Not sure if superstitious is exactly the word but having this desire to recreate my life of Fall 2007. How much coffee was I drinking then? Was wine a daily drink or weekly? I was in the best shape of my life, do I have time to go to kickboxing 3 days a week for 6 months to get that body back? Of course my life is totally different now and I could never recreate 2007 Leigh so why do I think conception will not happen for 2009 Leigh? Do my eggs know that 40 is the new 30?
Life is beautiful anyway- looking forward to the party next week and celebrating with family and friends. Hope my 40 year old mother of a 1 year old body can stay up past 10:00pm.
Stay tuned for post- party details and pictures.

Meltdown in Aisle One!

Have you ever noticed the random grocery items left in odd places at the check out line of the store? You know, the stray transformer stuffed between the candy bars or the small balloon with the cheery, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" writing on it that is meant to go in bouquet of flowers or potted plant placed conspicuously between the Grab Bag of chips? I guess I always assumed those items were left there by people trying to whittle down their items for the "10 and under" line or those having second thoughts about impulse purchases. After my last 2 grocery shopping experiences with Liliana I now know the truth.
I really used to love grocery shopping with Liliana. It wasn't that is was just tolerable, it was truly enjoyable. She would sit so proudly in the shopping cart smiling at everyone and waving at all the balloons and stuffed animals placed everywhere in the store from the bakery to the seasonal aisle. Every trip to the store made me a very proud mamma with numerous compliments on how cute and well behaved she was. She was complimented on her smile and laugh. I just beamed while I lazily strolled up and down the aisles letting Liliana take everything in.
It was always even more fun when Chris would come because I love traveling as a family. So today when he agreed to take Liliana to the grocery store with him I jumped at the chance to join them instead of staying home to fold laundry. With one pit stop to the flower nursery behind us, we pulled into the Jewel Osco parking lot with about 30 minutes to spare before Liliana's nap time. I pulled her out of the car and Chris had already wrangled a shopping cart. As first time parents we are hyper vigilant about shopping cart cleanliness so we place our very cute, green Clean Shopper on the cart and snuggle Liliana inside. Again, she sits so proudly and looks cute and sweet holding on the shopping cart as we dodge traffic through the lot and make it through the doors of the produce area of the store. Okay, I am ready to hear the compliments- "oh how cute", "what a beautiful baby", "such a sweet smile"... However, that is not the first thing I hear. Instead, I hear an eardrum rattling shriek that doesn't stop soon enough. I look around and get my first dirty look from, wait for it, another couple with a 6 month old (or so) baby sitting sweetly and quietly in her Clean Shopper lined cart. Woah, what just happened? I lean down to Liliana and whisper that she must not scream. She is looking up with arms outstretched and lips shaped in a tight "O" making jungle sounds while somehow bouncing up and down in the cart. My eyes follow hers up and there they are. Balloons everywhere. Dora the Explorer, SpongeBob Square Pants, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Oh my god what do I do what do I do? Where is Chris? Where did he go? I spy him clear on the other side of Produce heading for the butcher...hmmmph. I wheel right by a huge sunflower balloon and Liliana nearly falls out of the cart trying to grab it- luckily the Clean Shopper also has her strapped down. Okay the the Sunflower balloon is weighted down with a big clip to keep in on the floor. I pick up the balloon and clip it to the cart. Liliana is in HEAVEN smacking the balloon on each side but she is still making the jungle sounds. I can't really see where I am going because the huge sunflower is right in front of my face- I also can't see Liliana but I can sure hear her! I pass the couple with the perfect baby again just as Liliana begins her shrieks again. They look at eachother with an air of superiority as if saying "sucky mom can't even keep her baby quiet, we must be the best parents EVER". I press on. Where is Chris? There he is! There he goes yelling something about needing soap. I head off to the cold cuts when Liliana shrieks the loudest I have ever heard her. No joke, the loudest....ever. An elderly lady comes up to me and says "that is one loud baby". Her husband comes up from behind and speaks directly to Liliana and asks "did that come from you?" Liliana has been described as many things all of which make me proud and leave me beaming...this was not one of those things. Ugggh.
I find Chris again and tell him what the lady said and he laughs, then disappears...
I ditch the balloon in the cheese section and stop her protests by giving her a package of cheese. She threw that on the floor and I replaced it with a box of Gerber baby cereal bars. She chewed a hole in that box and then spied the 10 foot tall bin of rubber balls. I grab the most colorful one and meet Chris in the checkout line. Chris takes the ball and wedges it between the Fannie May chocolate cooler and the over priced flower arrangement shelf. We dodged more Dora balloons, before we finally made it out of the store. I feel that I accomplished something by not actually buying her anything but feel kind of guilty that I left things in random places. So next time you see a WebKinz stuffed animal in the ice cream freezer, feel a small bit of compassion because somewhere there is a new mom trying to figure it all out with a baby about to turn ONE.

First Blood

This post has nothing to do with Sylvester Stalone though I imagine I can make a connection somehow if I really tried. This month is a big month for us and many of our friends with babies. Lot's of first birthdays are being celebrated in the month of August. The most recent party was for Ezra who turned the big "01" on August 1st. We headed out to Ashley and Gabe's house without incidence. Feeling a little disappointed that the weather was cool, windy and rainy so the party on the beach was to be moved indoors, we were still excited to see Ashley, Gabe, Ezra and other guests. It is always so much fun to see Liliana interact with other children- she is turning into such a social baby. Just as we turned left onto Ashley's street, Liliana projectile vomitted formula and Cheerios. This is the second time this has happened in the car. I am beginning to suspect she gets car sick. 3 more weeks and we can move her seat forward. After a quick outfit change in Ezra's nursery we were ready to party! All was going well, pretty standard party excitment: first time soap bubbles, new toys borrowed from Ezra, crawling fast down the hallway toward dad's voice then...boom...faceplant onto the hardwood floor. I just stared down at her for a split second waiting to see if she was going to get back into crawling position and proceed on her way. She remained flat on the ground so I scooped her up and had to blow in her face to get her to breath- she was crying the same way she did after her first set of vaccinations. Then, from the corner of her mouth the blood came trickling out. Did she bite through her lip?? Did she bite her tongue?? Will she need stitches??? So many things went through my mind but I think I remained pretty calm. I wet a papertowel and Ashley got some ice. The bleeding stopped as quickly as it started. Her mood returned back to normal and we resumed our activities in the living room. I think I was more affected by seeing her bleed for the first time than she was. Once again, just a lesson that things are going to happen: bumps, bruises, cuts and we all move on. Resilient little buggers they are! On the way home, no afternoon nap Liliana was shaking her marraca like mad and whacked herself in the head...hard. Again she cried without breathing, I blew in her face and gave her a soft toy to play with...peaceful again.

Ms. Independent

I used to say that my dad only knew how to deal with little children and not adolescents because adolescents had their own opinions and expressed them. I no longer believe this to be true as it was my excuse for our own disharmonious relationship back in my (not so) joyous teen years. Well, I thought of that old belief of mine today as I began to realize that Liliana's own, fiercely strong sense of independence is changing the way I need to parent- and quick! I imagine it all started with the abrupt ending of our nursing relationship. Still reeling somewhat from that but it is getting easier as I talk about it and come to the realization that there is so much more to our mother-daughter bond than just the nursing. Still, as Liliana quickly approaches the phase of "toddler", I am rudely confronted with the fact that I have got to learn how to be a PARENT and not just a caregiver. Okay, how many of you are rolling your eyes right about now? But seriously, up until now it has been pretty easy. I feel I have done a good job these first 11 months by responding to Liliana's core needs. I have been a patient, unbelievably loving, sacrificing mommy to a sweet little baby. A sweet little baby that I could make smile by walking into a room. A sweet little baby that I could make laugh just by sitting down on the couch in an exaggerated fashion so that my hair would puff up into the air. But wow, I woke up this last Sunday to a different sweet little baby. This NEW sweet little baby looks at me and is thinking, I know you, I have you figured out. You are weak and easy to manipulate. Here are my fears in a nutshell: I am going to be an emotional, reactive parent that, with all the best intentions, is going to emotionally scar my sweet little baby. The books say not to tell them "NO" too often. Try different words like "hurt baby" or "dangerous" while moving them out of the harmful situation. Oh, they also tell you to remain calm while saying and doing. So when Liliana tried to pull herself up to standing using the pack and play, and it scooted on her and she fell over, I was calm, and tried to move her over to the more stable couch. My sweet little baby bucked and lurched and screamed and cried like I was giving her shots with a 3 inch needle. This, in my eyes, is a sign of what may be to come. In all honesty, she is still so good and even tempered. I am thinking worst case scenario. Inherant personality aside (I am not trying to start a nature vs nurture debate), I am so acutely aware now that the way I react, discipline and parent at this critical time and moving forward is so impactful and important to who she will be as an independent person... and it scares the shit out of me.

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Well today marks the day that Liliana has officially weaned herself. Nursing morning and night was working great for awhile. Then suddenly, a couple of weeks ago, I could not get her to show interest in the morning. No problem, I thought, night time feedings are the most intimate anyway. So we went along for a couple weeks still enjoying our night time nursings. They became shorter and shorter until night before last she was not interested at all. Last night I was out to dinner with my dad who is visiting from New Mexico so I wasn't here to put her to bed. I knew that my milk supply was almost shot completely but I made one, last desperate attempt tonight. She started to nuzzle in and nursed for a second but I just don't have enough milk left. It is over. I feel completely hollow. I am mourning this. You know that feeling when you broke up with someone and you realize that you will never talk to that person on the phone again or go to dinner with them again? That is the closest feeling I can describe to this. I wasn't prepared. There is so much more that Liliana gives me that is just pure joy but this, nursing, was OURS. When she latched on she reverted back to that little, tiny baby in a way. I miss that little one sometimes and I could experience that for 20 minutes while still enjoying all the cool, new things about 10.5 month old Liliana. Oh I am so sad.

So what are those cool, new things that 10.5 month old Liliana is doing? She pulls herself to standing all the time now and she takes little steps when holding her hands. Chris and I have guesses as to when she will walk. I say 3rd week in August and he says 2nd week in September. We will see! She is babbling like crazy. She has reached all the milestones that the doctor wanted us to look out for. Her top 2 front teeth are coming in. I was not expecting them to be so big! She also has that ligament between the 2 front teeth which I believe will cause a large gap but I am expecting that to only increase her cuteness level!

She continues to eat everything. Moving on to more and more finger foods. She especially loves blueberry pancakes and salmon.

I can't believe how fast it is all going. I am ready for number 2. Now let's just get Chris on board.

Father's Day Gift

Such perfect timing for Liliana to learn how to crawl- 2 days before Father's Day. It was a crazy, stormy day yesterday but even with trees blowing down on the block and a day that looked like night, Liliana finally figured out how to put one knee in front of the other! After describing her "style" to my funny and clever friend Justine, she coined it as "Slacker Crawling". She takes just as many steps as needed to reach the bribing toy then she flattens out to reach it. If I move the toy farther away, she has figured out she can pull the blanket to move the toy towards her. As of this morning though, she is all over the place. It is only a matter of time before she finds the electrical outlets...now where did I put that baby proofing kit? Cross another milestone off the list. Among other achievements are a vague resemblance to babbling and the progression toward eating finger foods. I should go into more detail about this but I have to get something else out there.

Chris and I are having nanny concerns. We both really like our nanny but we are being really hyper critical of her lately. I am not sure where this is coming from. She is very warm and loving to Liliana but we are starting to interpret some of her behaviors as a little careless. Not sticking to the nap schedule, not changing diapers regularly, losing important toys on walks (oh and walks that last for 2 hours which brings me back to the nap schedule thing). I feel really guilty even putting these feelings in writing but I am not sure how to resolve them. Am I being irrational? Is it unrealistic to expect someone to to something exactly as I would? I am not a harsh person and am afraid of being too firm with her for fear of offending her (surely a deep rooted upbringing thing). But this is the welfare of my child so I shouldn't be concerned about that right? So now my fears have escalated. I am beginning to have thoughts of "what ifs". Like, what if they go for a walk and never come back? How much do we really know about her? Then, yesterday, I noticed a bruise on her left forearm. Chris and I were not so concerned that she was hurting Liliana but could not understand why, if she had fallen or hurt herself, she didn't tell us about it! Well, fast forward a couple of hours after nap time. Liliana was holding Wally Kowalski, her beloved Koala in her arms and starting sucking on her left forearm- she was giving herself a hickey! See, this is where I think I have crossed the line- I am being unfair, irrational and overly protective. Maybe that is my job as a mother but it is stressing me out.
Back to more positive things- enjoy the video of Liliana crawling and recent pictures.
Next post will probably be after our trip to New Mexico next week!

Liliana officially crawled today june 19th. Video later

Just used sippy cup by herself for the first time. I think I will send her to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I think she is ready for the keys to the car.

She has learned how to go from being on her tummy to sitting! Both yesterday and today I came into her room after nap time to find her sitting and just now I saw it happen first hand. Brava Liliana! She also holds both her hands over head when we say "so big!". She also started mimicking the tone when she does it. It is like she is humming "so big". I am no longer worried at all. Changes coming fast and furious!!

Waving bye bye
Liliana has mastered waving! Who needs words when you can say hello and goodbye with your hands and just laugh in between?

Talk to me baby!

We had our 9 month check up today and were surprised and relieved to learn that there were no vaccinations. She has gained 3 pounds and grown an inch since her last check up. I guessed her weight right but I really thought she was 1 or even 2 inches longer.
Once again she is falling behind in some key milestones. She should be crawling, pulling herself to standing and, the one that concerns me the most, babbling. I know she will be crawling any day now and she actually almost pulled herself to standing tonight in her crib so I am not concerned at all about those 2. However, she never babbles or says the mamama bababa. In fact, other than her high pitched squeals and laughter she is amazingly quiet. So now I am stressing myself out that something is wrong with her. Don't get me wrong, she is amazingly healthy and happy- I guess I am going to stop speculating right now and just wait and see where we go over the next week.