Nope I take that back!

Okay, finally miscarried naturally, at the doctor's office this morning. D&C off the table thankfully. Plus the good thing is since the doc was able to collect the fetus it can be sent to genetics for testing. Okay, I am now experiencing the huge sadness combined with the huge relief that goes with finally miscarrying. At least now this goal oriented girl can focus on getting hCG levels down to zero. That is my next milestone...stay tuned. In the meantime I will start to write again about the gorgeous, amazing little girl that this blog is named after. Sorry to divert away but life gets in the way...

By the way, I scanned over my previous posts and I am sounding so robotic and detached. I guess in a way I am. I am purposely trying to be factual and have really put up a wall. I actually consciously keep myself from thinking too much about what is really happening. I don't think this is healthy but when I let myself think about it the sadness and grief is so incredibly intense and overwhelming that I want to curl up in a ball. I feel like I don't have that option right now with work and taking care of Liliana. I am afraid I am behaving too detached though. I need time to grieve... I need help doing that. Not sure what to do- strange.

Need a d&c afterall. Ultrasound revealed baby still in there. I wanted to see the images and the doctor pointed out that the baby was malformed even this early. I am so confused and sad.

Update to What a drag it is getting old

The Cytotec finally kicked in after manageable cramps turned into what I can only assume were cramps comparable to labor contractions. I was in the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. I attempted to do yoga breathing and walk around but it seemed so silly not to mention pretty sucky to be experiencing labor pains without the reward of a baby at the end. Still, with all the cramping, nothing was happening. Then, while walking through the kitchen, I had the most unbelievable cramp followed by the first gushing (sorry for the detail but that is what I am going through). The amazing thing is, after that cramp and release, I had no more cramps. The release has not ended though and 12 weeks worth of my baby's home has to come out. It is been a very trying evening but at least I will avoid the D&C.

What a drag it is getting old

Now when asked by the doctor: "number of pregnancies?" I will have to answer 3. When they ask the follow up question: "number of children?" I will answer 1. Let's quickly get you up to speed in a very factual basis because I am emotionally drained and that avoidance mechanism that keeps me from feeling or thinking in detail about what I have lost and what is no longer true has kicked into high gear.

• Positive Pregnancy Test toward the end of January giving me an estimated due date around 10/7/10.
• Call to doc to schedule first OB appointment led to a request to come in for early screening due to previous miscarriage- YAY an early ultrasound! Plus early blood work to check hCG levels
  
• Ultrasound on 2/16 (approx 6wks 4days pregnant) showed an empty sac. Doc not concerned, thinks my dates are off slightly and suggested I come back for our original OB appointment 2 weeks later- hCG levels look good.
• 2 weeks of pure despair, worrying and stress- plus I am interviewing for a JOB at this point. Focus Leigh, focus.
• Gripping Chris' hand during the Ultrasound 2 weeks later (8weeks 5days) showed a baby with a heartbeat! Oh I actually cried I was so happy and relieved. However baby measuring 7weeks 4days but doc not concerned at all. I ovulate late etc... She is not concerned, I am not concerned. New due date 10/15/09
• Life goes on as usual, get a job offer 2 days later (oooh, how to tell work??), happy happy happy. After a rough 12+months things are looking good!
• Schedule my CVS test for 3/25, my 20 week ultrasound and 6 months of OB appointments.
  
• Though paranoid and worried about miscarrying, am showing no signs or miscarriage symptoms at all. Feel nauseous, sore boobs etc...
  
• 3.5 weeks pass since beautiful, heartbeat viewing ultrasound and now time for the CVS test! Yay! We are going to find out baby's sex today and find out that there are no genetic disorders and we can finally make the big announcement to family and friends!
• When we get to the hospital for the CVS test, I tell the ultrasound tech that I am afraid she isn't going to find a heartbeat. Purely a statement made for self protection.
  
• I look at the screen as she starts and I see immediately- I say "that doesn't look right". The geneticists says "I am so sorry". I say "Fuck"
• The baby stopped growing right after the last ultrasound. Still measuring at 7 weeks 4 days. In retrospect I should have been more concerned about the almost week discrepancy.
• Devastation, crying, disbelief- all of it
• Back to the doctor who hugs me, as does the nurse- I love my doctor. Given the option to do a D&C or take the Cytotec to jump-start natural miscarriage I opt for the Cytotec. It worked so quickly last time (fuck, I can now say "last time", my "first miscarriage"). Plus with my new job, I don't know when the D&C will be scheduled and if I can pass this over the weekend that would be great.
• I actually went to work that Thursday afternoon and for an evening event- numb.
• I couldn't work on Friday and I opened up and told my boss what was going on- he was incredibly understanding and said at HON, family comes first. Yay- I love my new company.
• I take the Cytotec Friday evening after putting Liliana to bed- nothing happened. It didn't work. I was prepared with a box of pads, a new heating pad, comfort food and the remote.
• A call to the on-call doctor yesterday (Saturday) resulted in a second prescription being written with the instructions to take it today-Sunday. Also with the guidance that it should work in 3-5 hours and that sometimes it just doesn't work.

So this brings me to where I am right now. I took it at 8:30am and it is 11:10am. Nothing. No cramps, bleeding or anything. Which means that I will have to have a D&C. I am hoping they can schedule it for Friday because that is a work holiday and then I have the weekend to recover.
I go in tomorrow for a follow up ultrasound but not sure if it is necessary if I haven't passed anything. Why is my body holding on so tight? I just need to shed what is inside of me. It is the only way I was able to move on last time. Following my hCG levels down to zero kept me going. Hearing they hit zero was almost as exciting as seeing a positive pregnancy test.

I will keep you tuned in as I travel this journey but will leave you with this. We both want another baby more than anything but are not sure if we can go through it again. The chances of these miscarriages (which are called "missed miscarriages) increase with age because they are most likely the result of chromosomal abnormality. In other words, my eggs be old! At least this is the assumption by all involved parties.

What I wish I had right now was some stability in my life (I don't mean personal relationships) but in my day to day life. Having a new job really takes a lot of focus and I feel so underwater and confused. Chris isn't working (thankfully he is a wonderful stay at home dad). I wish I had the stability and understanding of a job I was familiar with so I could dive in full force and rely on it to keep me occupied. Right now I am just trying to keep my head above water with so many unknowns in our life. For crappy sentimental purposes, I am posting a picture of our Little Peanut.

I Can Bring Home the Bacon

Just a quick note that I got a job!! I am really excited about it. The company is really strong and everyone seems really wonderful and supportive. I start in 2 weeks. I will be calling on a handful of dealers and smaller A+D firms. I am anxious to get started and be successful. I really have something to prove after such a crappy experience with my last company. This company is much more structured and professional which will prove to be great for me. Plus the base pay and bonus program blows last job out of the water. Here is a link to MY NEW COMPANY
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy these last 2 weeks with Liliana. I wish we could get away and go to a warm climate for a long weekend...

Speech Therapy

The entourage of speech therapist, developmental therapist and two intake girls just left the house. What an ordeal. It was really uncomfortable for me because I kept feeling like I was being judged and that Liliana was being scrutinized. I know that isn't what was going on but I was so nervous that she wouldn't "measure up". They asked me a lot of questions about her behavior, activities and communication. They also brought their own toys to play with her. Basically she was a shining star at the end. Her developmental skills are either right at 18 months or more advanced at 21 months. Her comprehension is great and her ability to communicate without spoken words is great. However, there is a "concern" about her lack of spoken words and, more concerning, her ability to "imitate" sounds or words. At the end the have recommended speech therapy one day a week. The evaluation is free, the therapy is not. I don't know if I am doing her a disservice but I have no intention of having her go through this. I didn't even ask what is involved in the speech therapy because I became so overwhelmed with signing of papers and listening to their evaluation results. I should have asked. Is it wrong that I am choosing not to go down the therapy route? I really think in her own time the language will come spilling out. Her "jargoning" is a good sign and I think I will start practicing sign with her. I hate they way this whole experience is making me feel.

stern mommy

I have decided it is time to take action on one particular behavior that drive me nuts. Liliana has a bad habit about throwing things. Mostly her cup, plate and food off of the highchair but also toys. It isn't a casual toss but an aggressive throw. As far as the mealtime sport is concerned, I want it to end so she can be well behaved at other's houses or restaurants. When it comes to the toys, I just don't want her to hurt another child by hurtling a wooden xylophone through the air. So, I decided to enact the "naughty step" treatment. I have implemented this 3 times. Twice for highchair shot puting and once when she threw the wooden box of Melissa and Doug magnetic letters out of the toybox which landed squarely on my fourth left toe leaving a painful bruise. She is so obedient and good that when I pull her out of her highchair, explain what she did wrong, sit her on the step for one minute then come back she is still just sitting calmly on the first step with her hands on her thighs, waiting for me. At least the first two times. The toy box toss resulted in a loud scream from me (cuz that shit hurt), a not so calm yanking of baby out of the toy box and a stern plopping on the step. I explained and left. She was crying this time but she stayed on the step (she is so sweet). Bottom line is, I overreacted and shouldn't have punished her for that. I was reacting to searing pain. I feel so incredibly bad, almost 24 hours later about my behavior. It was such an overreaction and I am feeling so guilty that I scared her.
I am not good at doling out punishment. They say to be consistent but I can tell you, this is going to be really hard for me.

Angry

I am so sickened by this story. A mother left her 14 month old child in the bathtub to go do laundry and get chores done. I will be honest and say I haven't read her blog in entirety, and maybe I should before I post this, but I find the whole thing so sick and wrong. She is not a hero, she shouldn't be getting her 15 minutes of fame and I don't feel sorry for her. I feel incredibly sick for her child (children) and am so incredibly relieved that the baby survived, is home and appears to be doing well.
Come on people, NEVER leave a child alone in the bathtub! There are enough dangers that we need to protect our children from, and none of us are perfect parents. You all know about my postings where I have panicked over things that could have been dangerous, that Liliana gets into mischief sometimes, and I am not watching her like a hawk 24/7. BUT, there are those few rules as parents that everyone should know and I am naive and shocked to learn that they don't. Never leave a child alone in the bathtub, never leave a child alone in a car, and don't give a child a plastic bag to play with.
Please don't misinterpret any of this as my saying I don't make mistakes with Liliana and that there are times I don't feel extremely lucky that she hasn't seriously hurt herself. I just think some things are accidents and some things are pure negligence.
Here is a link to the blog
Update: I tried to read the blog from the beginning. I couldn't get through the first entry describing what happened. It is just so sad. I feel so horrible for the baby. I do feel a sadness for the mom too, I do. I think what I find so strange is her blog and the videos and pictures and she is going on national TV etc... I know everyone processes grief differently, and I love to put my shit out there too. That is why I have a blog and am on facebook etc...But it just does not resonate well with me, that is all I am saying.

Toddler Shift

Just a quick note to describe the disaster that ensued in the short amount of time I was unloading the dishwasher. After breakfast, Liliana went into the living room, which is currently, but not permanently, her play room. This has always worked out well for us. She sits and eats breakfast while I make coffee and start to clean the kitchen. Usually when she is done she goes off to play while I finish cleaning up. This morning was like any other, she wolfed down her french toast and banana as was ready to go play.

I left the living room a bit of a disaster last night with all her toys spread out and the toy box open. After about 5 minutes I came to join her in the living room to find every single book pulled out of the toy chest, her face and hands covered in blue marker, the last three pages torn out of her Knuffle Bunny book and blue marker on the hardwood floors. So far I haven't found any blue marker on anything permanent like furniture. It easily washed of baby and floor. Time to re-think my system!

For the Love of Hats

Budding fashionista

Filling the time

Okay, I confess I have a new obsession. Anyone that knows me knows I spend a bit of time on Facebook. I don't do Farmville or play Mafia Wars. I keep up with my friends in different states. I learn when someone I grew up with has passed away, I see pictures of my friend's babies and vacations. I see interesting OpEd pieces posted and funny clips from The Onion. I connect with people through networking that have become very good friends and confidants. There are a lot of good, no great things that have come out of my time on Facebook! I have decided to spend less time on Facebook though. I was at my dinner group on Saturday night and realized everything I talked about people already knew from my status updates. "Hey I joined a gym! Oh, you know already." "Hey Liliana tried salsa for the first time and loves it! Oh, right, I posted that on Facebook." Really kinda icky when you realize how much technology has replaced personal connections. So I am on a self imposed Facebook hiatus. I will still cruise it once in a while and comment where I want to but am not going to be terribly active about my own stuff.

Maybe breaking up with Facebook is easier because lately I have become a troll of the BabyCenter message boards! I joined the group TTC (trying to conceive) After Miscarriage. I have never been one to post or follow message boards because there are SO many posts and topics that it is impossible to follow. However, once you delve in you learn there are so many people who have the same questions, feelings and situations as you do. It can become quite addictive! I have also learned there are people who have suffered such great loss such as multiple miscarriages or miscarriages much farther along. It is sobering to say the least. It also surprises me what great comfort I am finding in getting support from total strangers. Then there are the complete dimwits on there who are using ovulation predictor kits as pregnancy tests and not understanding why they aren't working properly!

In addition to the computer activity, I have also started to exercise again and I feel great! We joined a gym and they were having a 2 months free promotion. Perfect for the unemployed! Plus, Liliana loves the daycare there. When I go to get her she is carrying an armful of stuffed animals and tea party fixins. She is impossibly cute. It is so perfect. Things are moving along nicely here and imagine I should have a job within a month! Life is good. Life is really good.

On the mend

Liliana's ear infection is clearing up and the cold that also appeared earlier this week seems to be waning. I am hopeful we have seen the end of this! 2 months is entirely too long to be sick for one little toddler. Today is the second to the last day she will be in daycare until I officially find a job. It is looking good that something will happen in the next 3-4 weeks and I am still in the running for both job opportunities. I am completely confused by unemployment benefits however. I think by the time I figure it out I probably won't need them! I received a debit card, checked my eligibility status and checked my balance on the card and I have $0. I have left numerous messages with the local unemployment office and no one has ever called me back. I want my $385/ week dammit!

So now that everyone is healthy, I am looking forward to doing a lot more with Liliana in this bonus free time we have together. I also got a month free pass to a gym in town so I am looking forward to getting back in shape!

Oh, I almost forgot, I have decided to go forward and have Liliana's speech delay evaluated. I made the call and am waiting for someone to call back to schedule a home visit. Either I made the right move for early intervention, or they will tell me she is fine and no need to worry. Seems like no harm can be done with this appointment. I will keep you updated!

Trying to keep busy

I thought with all this time off I would be out and about with Liliana doing story times at the library, free days at the aquarium, field and science museums and concerts at the local children's museum. However the sickness in our household has really prevented us from doing any of that. She will go to daycare this week Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so that I can have time to get some things done and have an open schedule if I have any job search related activity. We have managed to do a few things. We went to the Shedd Aquarium with friends Ashley and Mara and their little ones Ezra and Mikaela. It was great to see Liliana get so excited about the huge tank in the center of the 1st floor. Her attention quickly waned and all she wanted to do was run around. This was fun to watch as well but also exhausting trying to keep up with her and keep an eye on Ashley and Mara to make sure I didn't lose them.
We had a slightly negative encounter (in my opinion) with some "bully" children. Liliana was sitting in a canoe and having a great time. This group of kids came barreling into the canoe, which is fine, but then a little girl only about 2 years old pushed Liliana out of the way and told her to go away. I pulled Liliana out of the canoe and told her our turn was over and to let the other children play. She didn't want to leave and walked back over. The same little girl pushed her away from the canoe and said "you can't play with us, go away!" At the same time, an older boy from the group about 6 years old was hitting her with the paddle from the canoe- not hard but was hitting her legs. I moved her further away from the canoe and he stretched out the paddle to hit her legs. I attempted again to move her completely away though she kicked and screamed I successfully got her interested in another exhibit. I was so annoyed. I know Liliana will continue to encounter people like this her whole life. I can't shield her from that and hope she develops the tools to deal with it without it affecting her self confidence like it did mine when I was small. I felt bullied my whole childhood and still have emotional scars from it. Beyond that, what I found so obnoxious were the mom's just standing there drinking their Starbucks watching everything and not intervening. I am not quite sure the best way to handle this type of situation but felt what I did was good for now.

Well today we are going to the doctor to see if the current antibiotics are having any impact on her ears. If not, a visit to and ENT is next. I hope she won't need tubes but also know it is common and it won't be the end of the world.

Photo below does not contain images of obnoxious children- incident occurred about 5 minutes later.

Is this normal?

I wonder as I sit here without a job, Chris' business is non-existent, I am recovering from a sinus infection coupled with bronchitis and Liliana is on her 4th round of antibiotics to try and win the battle with a stubborn ear infection why I am so happy? I was in the kitchen this morning cleaning the dishes and was swept over with this intense giddiness about our life. I wonder if this is some manic episode and I am, rather than truly at peace with my life, bordering on demonstrating symptoms of bi-polar behavior? Of course I say that in jest and with no disrespect to anyone truly afflicted with the illness. I can't help but question if this is normal or, better yet, a sign that our lives are moving in the right direction after swirling in the toilet bowl of wrong decisions or complete inaction for so long.
Not to beat the proverbial dead horse, but leaving my last job was truly the best thing that could have happened to me. It was unhealthy on so many levels and I see even more clearly now how dysfunctional the whole situation was. The unfortunate part is I believe a friend will be lost in the wreckage but not sure it was a true friendship to begin with.
So, I have 2 job opportunities that both sound great but are completely different. I am in the final round for both. I am not going to go into detail yet but will certainly update when and if the opportunity(ies) turn into offers.
What I feel like is I am on a staycation that will end in a fresh new start with work. No coming back to old issues, problems and drama. A clean slate is how I will end this wonderful time at home with Liliana.

Calm

A few months ago, as I rightly predicted my eventual unemployment, I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. It just seemed that if I lost my job everything would come crashing down around us. What I am finding odd, and amazing, is that as we are in the middle of this I am completely at peace. Things are working out in a way I never imagined. First, we are able to get on a health care plan for half of what Cobra would cost. It is a BlueCross PPO and covers the whole family. There is no penalty for canceling it at any time. We may decide to just keep it depending on what benefits are provided with a new job that is surely in my future. Second, I received a paycheck last Thursday that was for my last 2 weeks of work in December- that was a surprise. I still have my 1 month severance coming too. So I feel like we can breath a little easier for now.

I have a phone interview on Thursday for a job that sounds really great. The package is much better than Izzy and I am feeling hopeful. The final piece of the puzzle that has allowed me to be so calm is our decision about having a second baby. I was so stressed about what a future employer would think if I were pregnant early on with a new job. There was also the health insurance component which has been resolved. It made me so sad to think that I would have to put those plans on hold because it is my entire focus (besides getting a new job). I was starting to feel really angry at my previous employer even though I am so thrilled to be out of there, I was feeling resentful that he had control over such personal decisions of mine. However, everyone I have spoken with, including my father Mr Practical, has agreed that there is no point in delaying it. It may not happen right away, legally I don't have to tell them anything and it is ultimately the most important thing in my life. Ideally I would like to qualify for FMLA which requires that I am there for a year but there is so much open to negotiation and nothing is black and white. I just need to proceed as planned.

So, to summarize, I have not felt so relaxed and happy since I was on maternity leave with Liliana. I have been fighting a cold and Liliana has continued to be plagued with sickness: double ear infection, diarrhea from the antibiotics, horrible diaper rash and a rattling cough and runny nose. HOWEVER, she is happy and fun right now. I think she is on the tail end of it all. She seems to have created her own language. She can literally go on for minutes talking in her Liliana latin. She has rising and falling intonations and laughs in between. I love listening to it! I am going to truly enjoy this time with Liliana but also am really hoping to have a job in a month.

It seems horrible but it's not

As many of you know, I lost my job on Monday. Based on the previous post you can deduce that this is a good thing for us. I am at peace now and am excited about future opportunities. The whole trying for #2 thing causes a slight wrinkle in plans as I am not sure what to do. Also the lack of income and health insurance isn't ideal especially with Liliana and her double ear infection and lower respiratory infection. However, I get to be with her and nurse her through her sickness and that is awesome. I am making the blog "private" for awhile. Although I only wrote about work issues a couple of times, I don't want those entries or my trying to conceive entries to affect any future employment opportunities. It is common practice now for companies to search blogs and social networking sights. So I am going to make it private and probably take a break from blogging for awhile. However, if I do find the need to make an entry, and you would like to check it out, please send me an email and I will add you to the invite list.

Thanks for reading!

sickness

We can't seem to catch a break in this household. It is currently 6 degrees outside and the thought of leaving the house is the farthest thing from my mind. Good thing because everyone is sick...again. Chris has something pretty bad with aches, chills and a 101.2 fever AFTER he took a good dose of Ibuprofen. He can hardly get out of bed but has been really great in trying to help me out with Liliana when he can. This was sweet but may be responsible for Liliana showing signs of sickness. She had a runny nose while in Santa Fe the week before Christmas. We came home and she suffered from a several day 103 fever for the second round in a month which was the result of another ear infection. The doctor said it is most likely the same infection she had over Thanksgiving as it is in the same ear. After a strong dose of antibiotics she seemed great yesterday while Chris was in bed all day. This morning we have a runny nose and fussiness again. Chris is still in bed and I have been fighting something for what seems like months. I have had a horrible cough for over 2 months and have low grade achiness and exhaustion.

I can't help but suspect that my symptoms, other than the cough which is very real, are psychosomatic. I am vacillating between being okay mentally to being in a funk. I need to make some very real changes in my life with regards to my professional situation. It is not doing me any good feeling this way. I am also still feeling a depression over the miscarriage. We are in a place we can start trying again which is thrilling for me but I am really fearful now. Fearful I will miscarry again, fearful I won't conceive at all, fearful the baby will be genetically compromised. I feel very lonely. This weather certainly is not helping my mood either. I really think this all stems from my professional life. The unhappiness oozes into every crevice of my life. I am having insomnia again just thinking about returning to work tomorrow. I need to find my bliss. Can I put that on a resume?

This is my focus for 2010, make changes professionally that will allow me to enjoy the other beautiful aspects of my life.
Stay tuned.

Liliana loves pants

Confession

Now that it is safely behind us I have to say, I hate Christmas. The craziness that surrounds it with the shopping and baking and wrapping and decorating and card writing and the pretense of the "spirit" of the holidays- blech! Enough already! I haven't always felt this way. When I was young, small child young, I LOVED Christmas time. We were not a religious family but we celebrated the way every retailer dreams of. I fondly remember several things from our traditions. The familiar drum roll and spinning of the words "special" on CBS that could only mean a Rankin/Bass claymation show or Charlie Brown Christmas. Receiving the 500+ page toy catalog from my Jewish Grandparents and being allowed to choose toys from so many great play things. For some reason, every year, I was drawn to the pink, manual typewriter. And every year, I did not get, the pink, manual typewriter. Another tradition was decorating the tree. All five of us gathered as a family and we pulled out the boxes of barely organized, loosely tissue wrapped ornaments. It was so exciting to see and recognize the familiar tree decorations. Especially the handmade ones. Every year I loved seeing the paper reindeer that I had brought home from pre-school with its sloppy glue and glitter job. Finally, every year we would go to Barb's house for Christmas Eve and I would gorge myself on her amazing stuffed mushrooms (this may have only happened once...) and then we would drive home. I would be excited but sleepy and my brothers would point up into the amazing New Mexico star filled, December sky and ask if I could see Rudolph's nose. I could! I swear I could! The next morning we would wake to find filled stockings on our beds and the three of us would gather in some one's room (the selection of the room was random) to pilfer through the Lifesaver books and wind up toys. Once my parents woke, after several attempts by us beginning at 6:00am, we would have Sara Lee pecan coffee cake, bacon and OJ.

Alright, then there is the memory when I got out of bed, too excited to sleep to find my parents putting training wheels on a brand new bicycle and yelling at me to get back to bed. Really yelling and angry is how I remember it. I returned to my room and sat on top of my bed with my floral canopy overhead and my legs swinging, not able to touch the floor and pouted that I didn't want a stupid bike anyway.

Okay, then comes divorce and 2 Christmas mornings, and the coffee cake doesn't taste the same and Dad doesn't get a tree but attempts to decorate his 3 foot cactus and Mom tries to force us to go to her boyfriend's house for Christmas day and oh hell it just all fell apart for this 11 year old.

Then in college it regained some of its "magic" for me because I loved seeing my brothers when we were still all able to make it home every Christmas and the 2 Christmas mornings were actually fun. Sara Lee and stockings at mom's and Mimosas and Bagels & Lox at Dad's. When my little brothers came into our lives I loved waking up (though hungover) to the sounds of "Daddy Daddy look what Santa brought me!" Then we all married off, the older brother's families grew and they began their own traditions. It became unlikely that any of us would be able to coordinate Christmas visits back to Santa Fe any how.

So when it all went sour for me isn't clear. It didn't happen suddenly but over time as I spent more holidays alone. I have no desire to shop for anyone. I don't look forward to getting or decorating a tree. I used to love to bake cookies, even for all my clients. Now, no way. I am especially annoyed at the false cheer spewing from every one's mouth. It is like one big Hallmark card being verbalized over and over for 3 weeks straight. If I felt that it was sincere then I wouldn't be so bitter but it's not, so I am.

I do like a couple things about the holidays. I look forward to extra days off from work and the overall "quietness" of my industry during this time of year. I still like claymation. Hmmm, I think that is all I can think of. No, wait, I do like Christmas lights. They are beautiful especially when lit while all other lights in the house are off.

I want to shed this negative attitude and find our own tradition as a family. Not as a religious celebration but I do know it can be meaningful and that this will be important for Liliana. We will find our way as a family with our own significance of the holiday...I hope.

Happy Holidays

I feel like there is too much information to share and not enough time. I currently have a flourless chocolate cake in the oven that was supposed to be done 30 minutes ago but thanks to my crappy oven which keeps randomly shutting off while the cake is supposed to be baking, it is still a soupy concoction. Not to mention, when I first pulled it out to test it the oven rack wouldn't slide easily so the water bath that the cake is baking in sloshed right into the batter certainly ruining the cake for good. We shall see but I am not optimistic- Ho Ho Ho.
Liliana is currently sleeping as she has moved to one afternoon nap.
She continues to lack any discernable vocabulary but freakishly understands everything. She can follow instructions when asked to get something, do something (or NOT do something.)
Santa Fe was a great visit with the family and I feel like she changed by leaps and bounds over that week. Watching her walk around is awesome and she laughs all the time. She loves to be chased- especially by my mom's weiner dogs. I have some great video that I will post after I figure out my new video camera.
The holidays are upon us and next year Liliana will have a firm understanding of presents and toys. I am truly a grinch but my heart is starting to grow in anticipation of making this time of year memorable for my baby.
Happy Holidays to everyone.