Waiting for Ol' St. Nick

It is the morning of Christmas Eve and this scrooge has been able to rediscover the joy of the holiday (yes, even Atheists love the spirit of Christmas). Fortunately I have been able to do it without the Dickensian visits from spirits and time travel.

Wow, blogus interruptus. Liliana shut my computer on me this morning and I never got back to my writing. Too bad, I felt a good roll coming on. I will try and continue on Christmas morning as it is now 11:00pm on Christmas Eve and I am exhausted. Needless to say, it was a fantastic night with a full on family of 3 dance party. Liliana went to sleep faster than normal probably from a combination of exhaustion and excitement for Santa.
More to follow soon. Merry Christmas everyone!

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

So, I know that nothing I post going forward (or anything in the past for that matter) is unique, spectacular or otherwise in the life of a toddler. I know that Liliana is not the first child to say, "Owie Mama my butt" after over shooting the end of the slide and landing on a gravel patch. Surely 2 year olds all over the world hold their hands up like monster claws and proclaim "tickle monster" before clumsily grabbing at mama and dada's ribs. Even understanding this, I still can't help wanting to brag to whomever will listen, even cyberspace, about all the normal, yet to us, amazing things Liliana is doing. Changes are happening so fast, and there are so many of them that I haven't even bothered trying to document them. But tonight we witnessed our first real example that Liliana has moved into a new stage of play that is so cool and fun! I imagine she learned this at daycare (her new, fantastic daycare that I probably should have blogged about already but will save it for another day).
We were upstairs getting Liliana ready for bed. She gets super wired right before bedtime so it is always a battle convincing her to get in her crib. I dream of a child that will get sleepy around bedtime and cuddle with me while we read Llama Llama Red Pajama together. However, tonight we were just letting her run wild because she was cracking us up. She kept running to the bathroom and then back to Chris and touching his head. Chris would shriek and Liliana would giggle. She repeated this several times. Then, Chris hid behind the bedroom door so when Liliana returned she stopped in her tracks, held up her hands, shrugged her shoulders and asked me "where's dada?" I whispered and pointed behind the door. She found him and when he jumped out she was beside herself with glee. And so it began. At first we were a bit confused about what she wanted to happen next. Chris would walk out from behind the door and she would say "stop it dada, go right there" while pushing him back behind the door. She would join him behind the door, put both hands on the the towel rack that is on the back of the door (strange but there are 2 bars on the back of her bedroom door- one down low) and she would say three words that I recognized as "eight, nine, TEN!" Then she would run out, run back and "find" Chris. We realized she was playing hide and seek! So knowing what she was doing, Chris began to hide in other places. She returned to the door, counted while now hiding her eyes on the back of her hands, then yelled and began looking for him! It was so incredible to watch how this morphed into a real and true childhood game! It makes me want to go back and take my Child Developmental Psych class again to learn about stages of play.
I look forward to seeing Liliana every single morning I wake up. I can't even sleep in on weekends when Chris offers to get up with her because I don't want to miss a single moment with her. I am loving every minute of this experience and can't believe she is ours. I am so happy.

Off Topic Post

This was written by a woman who goes by Riuaki who is a member of the Atheist/Agnostic families board that I often post on. I love it and hope it helps those of you who question my choice.

Do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me. I have chosen my path by my own free will. I am not lost, so there is no need for me to be found. My life is not empty. I know who I am and I know my purpose. I love, I am loved, and I strive every day to make sure I leave this world in better condition than I found it. My world is not dark and it is not cold. I see beauty and divinity in the world around me, and it is in no way less meaningful than your world ruled by a deity. My divine is love and nature, physics and chemistry and respect. I can respect you without agreeing and love you without believing that my love was directed by a higher power. Disagreement is not mocking, but instead is a quest for mutual understanding. I have no reason to mock you and it is hurtful when you proclaim how sorry you are for me.

Have you ever tried to see the universe from a different perspective, maybe one you were not taught through tradition? I can see your point of view because I explored it in my initial wandering. I do not wander anymore. I now understand my place in the universe, and it is right here where I am. I may be small, but I am not insignificant. I can touch the lives of others, and my small caress can ripple through humanity in a subtle wave. I do not need to make the world mine, I just need to make my own world matter. I need to make it matter for my son, my husband, my friends, and my family.

I am not lacking for anything intangible, so do not pity my lack of belief. I have hope, but it is centered around humanity instead of the vague promise of reward based on faith. I see hope and wonder in the eyes of my child and I know he is something special and unique, as is every child in the world. I have not squandered the concept of a soul, for all my soul is is my individuality. I am not like any other even though we are all fundamentally the same, and that spark of uniqueness is my soul. I have morals, and I try to live my life as well as possible because I am living for this life and this life alone. I am living my way so my progeny can thrive in a safe and clean world. I am not selfish. I have sacrificed an incredible amount for other people, so do not trivialize my achievements just because they were not accomplished under the banner of a belief. I try to always be honest, even if the truth isn't always what people want to hear. The truth is deserved by all and it is told out of love and not fear.

Do not pity me, my friend, for I do not live in fear. I lost my fear when I found myself. I found intense love for humanity, respect for the universe and everything in it, virtue in rationality, and innate values which embrace the best of all religions. I respect you as an individual, so please respect me. If you feel you must pray for me, go ahead, but I do not need it and it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable if you tell me outright that you are. A kind word and a kind thought will suffice, and I will reciprocate the same to you. Work toward your own peace as I work toward mine. Embrace me because I am different from you, since it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

Facebook could be my breaking point

Beyond just being killed with the overwhelming posts of ultrasounds, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and the such, I was just confronted with a whole new, strange feeling. One of the mamas from my, now assumed to be retired, moms playgroup has a 7 week old baby girl. She was due just a week or so after when I would have been due from m first miscarriage. Anyway, on Facebook she just posted a request for advice on how to get her 7 week old to nap longer. Her first born, in her memory, didn't have this issue. I honestly did not feel qualified to answer. Why do I feel less of a mother because I only have one child who is no longer an infant? One of the responders was ANOTHER mom from the group who ALSO just had a baby girl in July and yet another had one in May. I feel left out. I feel like crap.

Liliana is incredible and has become so interactive and amazing (um, not that she hasn't been amazing from minute 1). She started at a new day care today which I am so thrilled about. Next post will be all about Liliana and her new day care.

Breaking news! 2 days after Liliana's 2nd birthday, she took it upon herself to poop in her potty! It was, by far, one of the largest poops I have seen.

Just a different spool of bad luck?

Just throwing this out there quickly. Not much to say really. I am feeling better by the way. Had a good, productive day of work today which really helps my state of mind. I also am going to the RE's office tomorrow with Chris to get Karyotyping done to make sure we don't have some genetic mismatch that luckily didn't meet with Liliana but could be coming together with these last pregnancies. I highly doubt it but at least it will be another thing we can rule out. I am also having my uterus injected with dye and x-rayed in a few weeks to see if there are any scars or adhesions that my be a problem. Again, I doubt that is the problem but after these 2 tests, we will really be done with all investigative testing. Now for the clencher, my doctor did confirm that it is very possible that the SCH (sub-chorionic hemorrhage) may have caused THIS miscarriage. That actually makes sense to me because different from the other 2, this pregnancy was not measuring behind or anything. It really seemed like it was healthy. How would that be for bad luck that we finally catch a good egg and then something totally unrelated causes the miscarriage? Not trying to sound like Debbie Downer. In fact, I almost feel relieved if this is in fact true (though we will never know for sure). At least I know that I am not doomed to popping out bad eggs forever. So I am going to go with this belief because my gut tells me this was a healthy baby otherwise. I felt it in my bones.

Is this rock bottom?

I really don't feel like writing right now but I also don't want to go to sleep. I have an early work day tomorrow and am feeling so scatter brained and sort of like an outside observer to my own life. Have you ever felt that way? I am not my together, organized self. Things still need to get done and responsibilities are still there both with work and home but I am just going through motions and not putting any thought or care into it and it is freaking me out. I am unprepared for work stuff, I am unprepared for Liliana's care. I am winging it. I think what it is is depression. I am depressed. I just want to put life on hold for a couple of days so that I can catch up. I cried hard a lot of the morning today. I am exhausted from it.

I wanted to write about what a complete ass the doctor was to me this morning but now I don't even think I want to rehash it. One thing to point out though is I asked him if my sub-chorionic hemorrhage could have caused the miscarriage and he said "maybe". That was it, no elaboration or explanation. I didn't press it. I figured I would ask my doctor when I speak to her. I don't know when that will be though. I left a message and hope to hear from her tomorrow.

I feel like I used to when I would drink a lot on a Sunday- late into the evening and then have to go to work the next day. It would mess my whole week up because I am the type of person that needs life neat and orderly when I have other responsibilities to tend to. Help, I need to get control of my life.

Weekend Update

Are you sitting on pins and needles waiting and wondering? Well I didn't make it. Started cramping pretty severely yesterday late afternoon and by 7:30 I knew it was imminent. I had Chris put Liliana to bed and I drove myself to West Sub hospital here in Oak Park. It is only 5 minutes from home. I waited the mandatory ridiculous amount of time to be seen but they seem to keep your hopes up and your body and brain occupied by calling you back to triage then sending you back to the waiting room. Then another lady pops out and they call you back to register then send you back to the waiting room. Finally I was called back to the heart of the ER where the nurses were standing around chatting with the security guard and random patients wandered from their curtained rooms to the bathroom. It was a pretty quiet night in the ER thankfully. Another huge time suck occurred just trying to figure out the hospital gown. Am I the only one that is consistently intimidated by these things? First of all, I have never seen 2 alike. Just when I think I have the style mastered on which way it goes on, where it ties, what extra piece of fabric goes through what random role they present a whole new gown style. The one last night actually required me to create my own sleeves by snapping them together. I had to figure out how to do this though my cramping. When the nurse came in I was still standing there almost naked in just my underwear and sandals holding the limp piece of fabric in my hands almost in tears. She snapped it up for me so I could get dressed.

I relayed my story for the 3rd time that night to the nurse who took my vitals and asked a lot of questions about my situation I think more for her own personal curiosity. Finally, after I was pretty comfortably laying on the examining table under a couple of blankets the doctor came in. She was probably younger than me and seemed very nice but also a little nervous about my situation. Trying to be sensitive and not say the wrong thing while I tried to be as blunt and open about it as I could to hopefully put her at ease but I think I came across as a little cold and removed from the situation. I was. I had to be. I was there for a reason. I fought back crying on 2 occasions already(minus the gown fiasco). One when I was walking back to the examine room and two as I sat there alone in the room waiting, thinking too much and realizing that I was parting with a baby, my baby, chris' baby that had, up until last week, been growing inside of me and even more significantly been forming in my future plans for our lives.

So back to the matter of fact Leigh who was thrilled and relieved when the nervous doc immediately commented upon peering up between the plastic speculum that the "product of conception" (doc's words) was right there. She plucked it out with some forceps and put it in a cup to send up to pathology. I told her how relieved I was because having genetic testing was so important for us. I had explained earlier too the whole reason I came in and needed the tissue collected was for genetic testing. Want to see if miscarriage was a result of triploidy... I actually said Triploidy. She suggested I have my doc call the lab in the morning to tell them exactly what tests they want done. I asked for the direct number and she provided.

She told me I could get dressed. I put my underwear and shorts back on but was having an extremely difficult time because I had a stick in my vein at the crook of my elbow that the nurse left in the event I needed meds or fluids. I was unable to bend my left arm. The nurse returned and asked me to leave a urine sample. Ummmm Okay. I am tempted to go into detail here but I think I will leave it alone. Let's just say with the inability to bend my left arm, my ridiculous gown that was now untied and draping and flowing all over and the aftermath of what was going on (said in whisper tone "down there") it took me close to 5 minutes to leave a urine sample plus add in all the cleaning I had to do after. My apologies to the janitorial staff at West Suburban ER.

Okay, fast forward. I got myself home, happy and relieved that all turned out okay. I got hold of the on call doc at my OB's office who immediately sounded concerned that my sample went to "pathology". He called the number and I got a call back in minutes. He informed me that the sample was not marked for genetic testing and they put it in something that instantly makes genetic testing an impossibility.

I am very upset but not as much as I imagined I would be. He said if there was any result to be concerned about the next step would be to have Chris and I tested so he said we could go ahead and do genetic testing on us anyway. Something to consider. He also gave me a lot of hope about my age and that it is a crap shoot but odds are still in our favor. Yay! So now I am over the hump and can start counting my HCG levels down to zero and get back on the trying to conceive horse.

Bye for now

The weekend wait

I hope to make it through the weekend for my D&C on Monday. I am cramping and bleeding heavily and it is only Friday morning. I have all my hopes in the genetic testing of the tissue. If that isn't able to happen I am going to have so many unresolved questions and feelings. I plan to try and lay low and not exert too much. My sadness is starting to increase as the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in.

These days are the hardest

So the period between finding out about the loss and ridding the pregnancy from my body is the hardest time. With my first miscarriage it was so fast. I took the pills the same day I found out and it was so quick and easy that by the same evening, I had fully miscarried. The second miscarriage was more complicated as I was farther along and had actually been carrying the baby (I changed the word to "baby" from "fetus" for some reason) around for weeks without knowing it had died. As you remember from previous posts it was a LONG drawn out process of taking meds that didn't work then thinking I needed a D&C then miscarrying naturally 2 days before the procedure. Overall it took almost 6 days. Then you still have to wait for your hormone levels to fall to zero before feeling truly "normal" again because then your cycle returns and you can start trying to conceive again! So here I sit, cramping, spotting and waiting for my D&C to be scheduled. They want to do it Tuesday...TUESDAY! What! First of all, I am certain to miscarry naturally by then, if not I am extremely uncomfortable and miserable with a dead baby inside of me! I don't want to go naturally because then I can't get the ever so important genetic testing done. PLUS, Tuesday is a huge work day for me. I am already feeling guilty by rescheduling my last 2 days due to unrelated illness. I can't miss work on Tuesday. This is already dragging on too long. I am, believe it or not, already thinking about getting pregnant again and want to move this parade along. In the meantime, I sit vacillating in the area of pregnant woman, not pregnant woman. It is an area I don't find very pleasant.

Damn

I am not writing a long post, there will be plenty more to follow as the numbness wears off. I had a 3rd miscarriage today. Rather I found out today that my baby had no heartbeat and stopped growing last Wednesday at 8weeks 2days. We kept this pregnancy really quiet and were going to announce at our pulled pork party at the end of the month. I even bought a "I'm going to be a big sister" t-shirt for Liliana to wear to make the announcement. It is the same story, saw heartbeat, everything was fine then same day as ultrasound baby stops growing. I have the flu or something like it and have been feeling really rotten all day. After the Tylenol kicked in I noticed pretty significant cramping. I went into my doctor's office to be checked and that is when we received the news. Unbelievable. I am an Atheist and I tell you, I actually wondered today if there is a vengeful God out there that is punishing me for my lack of belief. Of course I don't believe this, especially when I see on Babycenter so may religious girls talking about God taking their baby to heaven and how it is all part of his plan. What bullshit.

Good Girl

Quick post-
A while ago I posted about putting Liliana in "time out". That was probably 6 months ago or so. I then read that it isn't effective until age of 2. So I gave up on the time out for awhile and all has actually been pretty great. Well now we are teetering on the edge of "2" and Signorina Sassy Pants is in full swing. We have had a couple attempts at time out on the naughty step to no avail. She just leaves the step and goes in the living room to play or one time Chris opened the front door to bring her outside to play with the neighbor girls.
Fast forward to this evening. We were all three playing on the living room floor and Liliana threw a wooden spoon and a bucket at Chris. I looked her in the eye and told her not to throw stuff at daddy. As usual, she looked me in the eye and laughed. I became very serious and told her the next time she threw something at someone she was going to have to sit on the naughty step. Chris and I resume conversation and about 60 seconds later, Liliana exclaims "bye, the step". She then walks over to the first step and proceeds to put herself in a time out. She just squatted her cute, tiny tush right down on that step. It was so sweet. We had to explain through giggles she wasn't in a time out right now. So, not sure she considers it a negative consequence at all. Man this kid is so much fun!

If things turned out differently

Strange to think that I would be home with a newborn right now if I hadn't had my first miscarriage in November. I was due 7/15. It is also strange to think that I most likely wouldn't have my job with HON if I hadn't lost the baby. And if they were so gracious to hire a 5 months along pregnant woman, it would be very strange to be leaving a new job after 4 months for maternity leave. I guess what I am saying, is that looking at the positive side of things, I am very content with where my life is right now and it feels right where I am sitting at the moment. I am not sad to be realizing I have passed my due date. I am excited about my future with this job and pregnancy at the very beginning probably just wouldn't have fit. I hate the saying "everything happens for a reason" as much as you probably do but I think it fits here.

Sometimes I even question if we want a second baby. I feel so fulfilled with Liliana that when I think about a baby it kind of freaks me out! But then I think about a family of four and it makes me giddy with excitement. One day at a time.

What are words for?

And here they come...words! A couple new words every day! Nose, lollipop, towel, mama's keys, both, block party, shoes, stairs...I am so relieved but knew it would happen. That is all I have for right now.

Feline dreams

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and ready to give birth. I was all alone on an examining table with my OB Dr Roth. She cut me open and told me since we had done this before, it would be easy. Since she had installed a 2 way zipper on my uterus she just unzipped vertically then horizontally. Then out jumped a tom cat. A full grown, kind of straggly, tabby. I tried to grab him so I could nurse him but he got away and ran down the hall. I was so concerned b/c he needed to be nursed but Dr Roth insisted it was common for them to need to explore and he would be back in a few days. I was horribly disappointed. The disappointment didn't stem so much from the fact that I gave birth to a full grown cat and not a human, but that he was so plain and feral. I was thinking that this was the last chance I had to have a baby and he didn't even possess an interesting fur pattern or a cute, round face. He eventually came back and I tried to nurse him. Needless to say, he wanted nothing to do with that. I woke up very relieved that I had not birthed and nursed a feline.

Social Moron

I think for the first time in almost 2 years I am starting to have a real urge for adult only time. I can't believe it actually took this long. Maybe it is the holiday weekend, or maybe it is that Liliana is at the age where I can't leave her sleeping in a car carrier or wear her while at a party and I also can't leave her to play on her own or run around solo because she is too young to fully understand the safe dos and don'ts. We had so many fun plans on the books for this weekend and nothing has quite turned out as planned. A city visit to Tammy and Andrew's had to be chucked due to sickness and a BBQ next door was cut very short to put Liliana to bed. Even while I was physically present I was only about 10% there mentally. This leads me to another side effect of parenting that I thought would have gotten better by now. I have no attention span. I can sit having a conversation with someone and my mind wanders. I honestly have no idea what the person I was just speaking with has said. I consciously make an effort to pay attention but then my thoughts go to the issue of my attention span and from there it branches off into several directions. I am not sure if this is a common ailment of parents with toddlers or if there is something wrong with me. I fear people think I am a social moron.
It makes me not want to go out anymore. I am much happier at home reading a book or watching a movie. I want to be more outgoing as a family and expose Liliana to fun stuff but it needs to be totally kid focused. I can't try and be the parent who goes to an adult function with my kid and try and have a good time- even if she is welcome and invited I have decided it is just not worth it. It is not enjoyable for me. I know people would suggest a date night or adult only night for Chris and I to get out but quite honestly we can't afford that right now. It is expensive even to go out and get a drink because a babysitter is required. So I will just suck it up for now and accept that my brain is mush and I am boring. At least Liliana finds me entertaining so that keeps me going.

Like Father Like Daughter: a poop story

Some stories from your childhood are repeated in family and party circles over and over. My mom likes to tell how she found me chewing on a razor blade when I was about 2 or 3. My brother Garry drank turpentine on my Aunt and Uncle's wedding day. My oldest brother Doug would only eat mayonnaise sandwiches. Then there is the colorful story about Chris and his twin Tia and the nap time poo fight that resulted in creative poo art on the walls, crib and, of course, each other. That story comes up often. It is ingrained in the memory of my father in law for all time I imagine. Over 40 years later and he can still smell and visualize the famous poo fight. Thankfully Liliana would never do anything like that. She is too sweet and concerned about her cleanliness to ever play in her own poo- or so I thought until last night.

Lately her diaper pail has been smelling pretty bad even after cleaning so I began moving it out of her room at night. I felt bad that she has to sleep in the subtle smell of poo all night long. Last night I creaked open her door to do my routine admiration, covering up and gently kissing good night when I noticed it still smelled like poo in her room. I assumed she may have pooed her diaper because she has been sick lately with diarrhea and is going a lot. As I moved closer to the crib I saw her bare bottom glowing in the moonlight. Awww, cute she took her diaper off again. Something she has been doing off and on for the last few weeks. Then, not so cute I saw the pile of poo behind her that she had contorted her body to be away from before she fell asleep. Baby doll's leg was in the poo so I gently removed her and washed off her plastic parts. I decided this was a job too big for me to handle alone and calmly went downstairs to inform Chris of the situation. We tip toed back up the stairs, not sure why we were afraid to wake her when clearly this was going to have to happen soon. As I guided Chris to the mess, I noticed it was a much greater problem. There were other spots of poo surrounding her. Wally had poo on him too. We finally woke her and as she sat up in a pie eyed gaze it became clear that she had enjoyed a solo poo fest. It was in her hair, on her face and completely covering her hands. I had already started running the bath and picked her up but held her at a distance the same way I would before plunking a skunk sprayed cat into a tub. I expected the same result too but she was remarkably calm and still half asleep. I struggled to pull her shirt over her head and after I freed her I scrubbed her entire body for almost 15 minutes to get the dried poo off. Chris in the meantime was a star getting everything in the wash and cleaning the mattress. 1 hour later we were ready to get our squeaky clean babe back into bed where she fell asleep promptly but not before expanding her vocabulary by 1 word: poo-poo.

Running out of Steam

I used to look forward to posting and sharing on this blog. Lately I just am not sure where to start. That first year of life is so full with amazing milestones that reporting is easy! Plus the feelings of being a first time parent are just so intense and accessible. I am not implying that I no longer feel that intensity of parenthood, in fact Chris and I are knocked down over and over again with how much we are in love with Liliana. It is just so much part of our daily grind now that I can't really bask in the newness of it all. She is constantly developing new skills and her personality grows richer every day but I for some reason have lost a desire to write about it here.

What I really want to write about is how badly I want another baby. How my last 2 pregnancy failures still are raw and painful. How I can't see pregnant women on the street without thinking that should be me and wondering if I will ever experience it again. How my heart just sinks every time someone else announces their pregnancy even though I am happy for them.

I also want to write about the stress of our lives on top of all that. How the shitty economy and new laws surrounding the appraisal market have left us struggling to pay our mortgage every month. How we have found ourselves totally upside down in our house and fear daily that we will lose our home. How I am working double time trying to get Chris' appraisal business stimulated but fear it won't work and I have no other ideas in my head if this fails. How despite all this I am strangely happy because I love my family, enjoy my new job and I feel that something good has to come out of all this.

Leaps and Bounds

We are currently experiencing a massive learning spurt. It is freaky how quickly things change at this age! Every time she does something I consider amazing and surely advanced I take a mental note that I must blog about it. Now I can't remember exactly all I wanted to share. Also because they come so fast and furious, changes that had us shocked 3 days ago have become old hat and are shadowed by something greater. I guess it is just an overall "wow she is actually a little person" realization. Very hard to describe unless you see and experience it. She has a sense of humor, she listens to directions, she purposefully makes me laugh. She is awesome.

Liliana makes it very clear when she wants her diaper changed. She will lay down on the ground, sometimes with diaper in hand, and put her legs up in the air. Then she gropes for the velcro tabs keeping her Cruisers in place. It is quite cute but after I noticed a very wet, sagging diaper at the playground a few days back, she made a big show of becoming supine on the sidewalk.

She is really showing off her maternal, care giving instincts with her baby doll and Wally. She diapers both of them (she is quite good at it) and is now rocking baby doll in her arms. Her dexterity is taking off too. It is very easy for her to buckle Wally or Baby Doll into her mini stroller and take them for a walk. Speech is starting to come in tiny spurts. The debate is still on in my head about speech therapy. I am sure I will get a call next week from my case coordinator about what we are going to do.

I can also recognize signs of "two" behavior peeking out. Several seemingly pointless, lay on the floor boneless tantrums a day occur. Luckily they last about 10 seconds. She has also reverted back to a shy, clingy baby when around strangers. She has to be held when she sees people coming and she lays her head on our shoulder and won't let us put her down. I just keep remembering what my brother told me- everything is a phase. I appreciate a certain amount of stranger anxiety but she is being very anti social. She has also developed a hatred toward baths. She used to love splashing around in the tub but now you would think I was bathing her in razor blades. She screams and cries so hard and won't even sit down. She tries to climb out of the tub. I try and get in with her to hold her but she will have none of it. It takes all our physical and mental strength just to wash her hair. These things are so minor though. The joy and fun we are experiencing with her right now is beyond description. We are having so much fun- can't wait to add one more to the mix so Liliana can practice those sweet, caring acts on a real baby!

Posting through text because I can't gain access to wireless in my wonderful Comfort Inn hotel room. Things good with training but being away from Liliana is even harder than I expected. I woke up with a start at 6 this morning in a half sleep state thinking I needed to pick out liliana's outfit. When I realized that I was in a hotel room in Iowa I experienced this strange sense of sadness, lonliness and loss. I am not sure why loss but I was overcome with that emotion. I am still dealing with miscarriage emotions and found out today that my hormone levels are still not at zero. They are at 2. Uggh. This is dragging on too long. So is this post. Not easy to do through text so I will say goodnight now.

I know I know

I owe you all (my five readers) a really good post! But tonight is not the night. I will be in Iowa all week for training so I imagine I will be very reflective AND have the time to post- a perfect recipe. I did want to document the amazing leaps and bounds that occurred just this evening. Liliana said "BYE" not "buh bye" in a baby way but "BYE!" in a very adult, clear, accentuated way! Then, ten minutes later while reading her to bed, I pointed at the baby wearing a diaper. I asked what the baby was wearing (because I am always encouraging her to speak even though I don't expect an answer) and she, as clear as day, said "diaper". Chris and I looked at each other in shock and amazement, high fived each other and then high fived Liliana. She loves to high five and high ten. All that positive reinforcement has got to lead to more words. Which it did because then she identified the baby's eye when asked. Screw the speech therapist. I am calling next week to tell them to close our file.
BYE! More from the town of Muscatine.

Whose your Mama?

Today marks the day that Liliana finally said mama! She may have started a couple of days ago but today it was clear she was referring to moi! Go baby go! I should also add that she is starting to add some other words to her vocabulary but they are all versions of her original word for "ball" which sounds like "bah". That is her word for "bath" and "belle"(the dog next door). "Basketball" is "bah bah bah". She also says "boo boo" in reference to her scab on her ankle and the freckle on my ankle. She clearly likes the letter "b". In typical toddler fashion, "no" is also very popular. Finally, the girls that watch her at the gym daycare are so in love with her. They say she smells like cookies.
Pictures and video of Liliana playing a mean harmonica coming soon...

Questionable Chromosomes

Well unfortunately the geneticist was unable to grow anything from the sample the doc sent over. So the genetic make up of my last little peanut will remain a mystery. However, since the doctor said the head had a protrusion and didn't look right, that is enough for me to know it was a chromosomal issue. I was just sort of hoping to know something more specific like "trisomy" for example. Somewhere I read that the chance of having 3 missed miscarriages is 1%. I can't find that article again and now I keep reading that the statistics get worse the greater the number. However, I do have a healthy child and I think that improves my chances. So I am feeling somewhat more optimistic but I do think we will wait a few months before trying again instead of jumping in right away like last time.

Nope I take that back!

Okay, finally miscarried naturally, at the doctor's office this morning. D&C off the table thankfully. Plus the good thing is since the doc was able to collect the fetus it can be sent to genetics for testing. Okay, I am now experiencing the huge sadness combined with the huge relief that goes with finally miscarrying. At least now this goal oriented girl can focus on getting hCG levels down to zero. That is my next milestone...stay tuned. In the meantime I will start to write again about the gorgeous, amazing little girl that this blog is named after. Sorry to divert away but life gets in the way...

By the way, I scanned over my previous posts and I am sounding so robotic and detached. I guess in a way I am. I am purposely trying to be factual and have really put up a wall. I actually consciously keep myself from thinking too much about what is really happening. I don't think this is healthy but when I let myself think about it the sadness and grief is so incredibly intense and overwhelming that I want to curl up in a ball. I feel like I don't have that option right now with work and taking care of Liliana. I am afraid I am behaving too detached though. I need time to grieve... I need help doing that. Not sure what to do- strange.

Need a d&c afterall. Ultrasound revealed baby still in there. I wanted to see the images and the doctor pointed out that the baby was malformed even this early. I am so confused and sad.

Update to What a drag it is getting old

The Cytotec finally kicked in after manageable cramps turned into what I can only assume were cramps comparable to labor contractions. I was in the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. I attempted to do yoga breathing and walk around but it seemed so silly not to mention pretty sucky to be experiencing labor pains without the reward of a baby at the end. Still, with all the cramping, nothing was happening. Then, while walking through the kitchen, I had the most unbelievable cramp followed by the first gushing (sorry for the detail but that is what I am going through). The amazing thing is, after that cramp and release, I had no more cramps. The release has not ended though and 12 weeks worth of my baby's home has to come out. It is been a very trying evening but at least I will avoid the D&C.

What a drag it is getting old

Now when asked by the doctor: "number of pregnancies?" I will have to answer 3. When they ask the follow up question: "number of children?" I will answer 1. Let's quickly get you up to speed in a very factual basis because I am emotionally drained and that avoidance mechanism that keeps me from feeling or thinking in detail about what I have lost and what is no longer true has kicked into high gear.

• Positive Pregnancy Test toward the end of January giving me an estimated due date around 10/7/10.
• Call to doc to schedule first OB appointment led to a request to come in for early screening due to previous miscarriage- YAY an early ultrasound! Plus early blood work to check hCG levels
  
• Ultrasound on 2/16 (approx 6wks 4days pregnant) showed an empty sac. Doc not concerned, thinks my dates are off slightly and suggested I come back for our original OB appointment 2 weeks later- hCG levels look good.
• 2 weeks of pure despair, worrying and stress- plus I am interviewing for a JOB at this point. Focus Leigh, focus.
• Gripping Chris' hand during the Ultrasound 2 weeks later (8weeks 5days) showed a baby with a heartbeat! Oh I actually cried I was so happy and relieved. However baby measuring 7weeks 4days but doc not concerned at all. I ovulate late etc... She is not concerned, I am not concerned. New due date 10/15/09
• Life goes on as usual, get a job offer 2 days later (oooh, how to tell work??), happy happy happy. After a rough 12+months things are looking good!
• Schedule my CVS test for 3/25, my 20 week ultrasound and 6 months of OB appointments.
  
• Though paranoid and worried about miscarrying, am showing no signs or miscarriage symptoms at all. Feel nauseous, sore boobs etc...
  
• 3.5 weeks pass since beautiful, heartbeat viewing ultrasound and now time for the CVS test! Yay! We are going to find out baby's sex today and find out that there are no genetic disorders and we can finally make the big announcement to family and friends!
• When we get to the hospital for the CVS test, I tell the ultrasound tech that I am afraid she isn't going to find a heartbeat. Purely a statement made for self protection.
  
• I look at the screen as she starts and I see immediately- I say "that doesn't look right". The geneticists says "I am so sorry". I say "Fuck"
• The baby stopped growing right after the last ultrasound. Still measuring at 7 weeks 4 days. In retrospect I should have been more concerned about the almost week discrepancy.
• Devastation, crying, disbelief- all of it
• Back to the doctor who hugs me, as does the nurse- I love my doctor. Given the option to do a D&C or take the Cytotec to jump-start natural miscarriage I opt for the Cytotec. It worked so quickly last time (fuck, I can now say "last time", my "first miscarriage"). Plus with my new job, I don't know when the D&C will be scheduled and if I can pass this over the weekend that would be great.
• I actually went to work that Thursday afternoon and for an evening event- numb.
• I couldn't work on Friday and I opened up and told my boss what was going on- he was incredibly understanding and said at HON, family comes first. Yay- I love my new company.
• I take the Cytotec Friday evening after putting Liliana to bed- nothing happened. It didn't work. I was prepared with a box of pads, a new heating pad, comfort food and the remote.
• A call to the on-call doctor yesterday (Saturday) resulted in a second prescription being written with the instructions to take it today-Sunday. Also with the guidance that it should work in 3-5 hours and that sometimes it just doesn't work.

So this brings me to where I am right now. I took it at 8:30am and it is 11:10am. Nothing. No cramps, bleeding or anything. Which means that I will have to have a D&C. I am hoping they can schedule it for Friday because that is a work holiday and then I have the weekend to recover.
I go in tomorrow for a follow up ultrasound but not sure if it is necessary if I haven't passed anything. Why is my body holding on so tight? I just need to shed what is inside of me. It is the only way I was able to move on last time. Following my hCG levels down to zero kept me going. Hearing they hit zero was almost as exciting as seeing a positive pregnancy test.

I will keep you tuned in as I travel this journey but will leave you with this. We both want another baby more than anything but are not sure if we can go through it again. The chances of these miscarriages (which are called "missed miscarriages) increase with age because they are most likely the result of chromosomal abnormality. In other words, my eggs be old! At least this is the assumption by all involved parties.

What I wish I had right now was some stability in my life (I don't mean personal relationships) but in my day to day life. Having a new job really takes a lot of focus and I feel so underwater and confused. Chris isn't working (thankfully he is a wonderful stay at home dad). I wish I had the stability and understanding of a job I was familiar with so I could dive in full force and rely on it to keep me occupied. Right now I am just trying to keep my head above water with so many unknowns in our life. For crappy sentimental purposes, I am posting a picture of our Little Peanut.

I Can Bring Home the Bacon

Just a quick note that I got a job!! I am really excited about it. The company is really strong and everyone seems really wonderful and supportive. I start in 2 weeks. I will be calling on a handful of dealers and smaller A+D firms. I am anxious to get started and be successful. I really have something to prove after such a crappy experience with my last company. This company is much more structured and professional which will prove to be great for me. Plus the base pay and bonus program blows last job out of the water. Here is a link to MY NEW COMPANY
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy these last 2 weeks with Liliana. I wish we could get away and go to a warm climate for a long weekend...

Speech Therapy

The entourage of speech therapist, developmental therapist and two intake girls just left the house. What an ordeal. It was really uncomfortable for me because I kept feeling like I was being judged and that Liliana was being scrutinized. I know that isn't what was going on but I was so nervous that she wouldn't "measure up". They asked me a lot of questions about her behavior, activities and communication. They also brought their own toys to play with her. Basically she was a shining star at the end. Her developmental skills are either right at 18 months or more advanced at 21 months. Her comprehension is great and her ability to communicate without spoken words is great. However, there is a "concern" about her lack of spoken words and, more concerning, her ability to "imitate" sounds or words. At the end the have recommended speech therapy one day a week. The evaluation is free, the therapy is not. I don't know if I am doing her a disservice but I have no intention of having her go through this. I didn't even ask what is involved in the speech therapy because I became so overwhelmed with signing of papers and listening to their evaluation results. I should have asked. Is it wrong that I am choosing not to go down the therapy route? I really think in her own time the language will come spilling out. Her "jargoning" is a good sign and I think I will start practicing sign with her. I hate they way this whole experience is making me feel.

stern mommy

I have decided it is time to take action on one particular behavior that drive me nuts. Liliana has a bad habit about throwing things. Mostly her cup, plate and food off of the highchair but also toys. It isn't a casual toss but an aggressive throw. As far as the mealtime sport is concerned, I want it to end so she can be well behaved at other's houses or restaurants. When it comes to the toys, I just don't want her to hurt another child by hurtling a wooden xylophone through the air. So, I decided to enact the "naughty step" treatment. I have implemented this 3 times. Twice for highchair shot puting and once when she threw the wooden box of Melissa and Doug magnetic letters out of the toybox which landed squarely on my fourth left toe leaving a painful bruise. She is so obedient and good that when I pull her out of her highchair, explain what she did wrong, sit her on the step for one minute then come back she is still just sitting calmly on the first step with her hands on her thighs, waiting for me. At least the first two times. The toy box toss resulted in a loud scream from me (cuz that shit hurt), a not so calm yanking of baby out of the toy box and a stern plopping on the step. I explained and left. She was crying this time but she stayed on the step (she is so sweet). Bottom line is, I overreacted and shouldn't have punished her for that. I was reacting to searing pain. I feel so incredibly bad, almost 24 hours later about my behavior. It was such an overreaction and I am feeling so guilty that I scared her.
I am not good at doling out punishment. They say to be consistent but I can tell you, this is going to be really hard for me.

Angry

I am so sickened by this story. A mother left her 14 month old child in the bathtub to go do laundry and get chores done. I will be honest and say I haven't read her blog in entirety, and maybe I should before I post this, but I find the whole thing so sick and wrong. She is not a hero, she shouldn't be getting her 15 minutes of fame and I don't feel sorry for her. I feel incredibly sick for her child (children) and am so incredibly relieved that the baby survived, is home and appears to be doing well.
Come on people, NEVER leave a child alone in the bathtub! There are enough dangers that we need to protect our children from, and none of us are perfect parents. You all know about my postings where I have panicked over things that could have been dangerous, that Liliana gets into mischief sometimes, and I am not watching her like a hawk 24/7. BUT, there are those few rules as parents that everyone should know and I am naive and shocked to learn that they don't. Never leave a child alone in the bathtub, never leave a child alone in a car, and don't give a child a plastic bag to play with.
Please don't misinterpret any of this as my saying I don't make mistakes with Liliana and that there are times I don't feel extremely lucky that she hasn't seriously hurt herself. I just think some things are accidents and some things are pure negligence.
Here is a link to the blog
Update: I tried to read the blog from the beginning. I couldn't get through the first entry describing what happened. It is just so sad. I feel so horrible for the baby. I do feel a sadness for the mom too, I do. I think what I find so strange is her blog and the videos and pictures and she is going on national TV etc... I know everyone processes grief differently, and I love to put my shit out there too. That is why I have a blog and am on facebook etc...But it just does not resonate well with me, that is all I am saying.

Toddler Shift

Just a quick note to describe the disaster that ensued in the short amount of time I was unloading the dishwasher. After breakfast, Liliana went into the living room, which is currently, but not permanently, her play room. This has always worked out well for us. She sits and eats breakfast while I make coffee and start to clean the kitchen. Usually when she is done she goes off to play while I finish cleaning up. This morning was like any other, she wolfed down her french toast and banana as was ready to go play.

I left the living room a bit of a disaster last night with all her toys spread out and the toy box open. After about 5 minutes I came to join her in the living room to find every single book pulled out of the toy chest, her face and hands covered in blue marker, the last three pages torn out of her Knuffle Bunny book and blue marker on the hardwood floors. So far I haven't found any blue marker on anything permanent like furniture. It easily washed of baby and floor. Time to re-think my system!

For the Love of Hats

Budding fashionista

Filling the time

Okay, I confess I have a new obsession. Anyone that knows me knows I spend a bit of time on Facebook. I don't do Farmville or play Mafia Wars. I keep up with my friends in different states. I learn when someone I grew up with has passed away, I see pictures of my friend's babies and vacations. I see interesting OpEd pieces posted and funny clips from The Onion. I connect with people through networking that have become very good friends and confidants. There are a lot of good, no great things that have come out of my time on Facebook! I have decided to spend less time on Facebook though. I was at my dinner group on Saturday night and realized everything I talked about people already knew from my status updates. "Hey I joined a gym! Oh, you know already." "Hey Liliana tried salsa for the first time and loves it! Oh, right, I posted that on Facebook." Really kinda icky when you realize how much technology has replaced personal connections. So I am on a self imposed Facebook hiatus. I will still cruise it once in a while and comment where I want to but am not going to be terribly active about my own stuff.

Maybe breaking up with Facebook is easier because lately I have become a troll of the BabyCenter message boards! I joined the group TTC (trying to conceive) After Miscarriage. I have never been one to post or follow message boards because there are SO many posts and topics that it is impossible to follow. However, once you delve in you learn there are so many people who have the same questions, feelings and situations as you do. It can become quite addictive! I have also learned there are people who have suffered such great loss such as multiple miscarriages or miscarriages much farther along. It is sobering to say the least. It also surprises me what great comfort I am finding in getting support from total strangers. Then there are the complete dimwits on there who are using ovulation predictor kits as pregnancy tests and not understanding why they aren't working properly!

In addition to the computer activity, I have also started to exercise again and I feel great! We joined a gym and they were having a 2 months free promotion. Perfect for the unemployed! Plus, Liliana loves the daycare there. When I go to get her she is carrying an armful of stuffed animals and tea party fixins. She is impossibly cute. It is so perfect. Things are moving along nicely here and imagine I should have a job within a month! Life is good. Life is really good.

On the mend

Liliana's ear infection is clearing up and the cold that also appeared earlier this week seems to be waning. I am hopeful we have seen the end of this! 2 months is entirely too long to be sick for one little toddler. Today is the second to the last day she will be in daycare until I officially find a job. It is looking good that something will happen in the next 3-4 weeks and I am still in the running for both job opportunities. I am completely confused by unemployment benefits however. I think by the time I figure it out I probably won't need them! I received a debit card, checked my eligibility status and checked my balance on the card and I have $0. I have left numerous messages with the local unemployment office and no one has ever called me back. I want my $385/ week dammit!

So now that everyone is healthy, I am looking forward to doing a lot more with Liliana in this bonus free time we have together. I also got a month free pass to a gym in town so I am looking forward to getting back in shape!

Oh, I almost forgot, I have decided to go forward and have Liliana's speech delay evaluated. I made the call and am waiting for someone to call back to schedule a home visit. Either I made the right move for early intervention, or they will tell me she is fine and no need to worry. Seems like no harm can be done with this appointment. I will keep you updated!

Trying to keep busy

I thought with all this time off I would be out and about with Liliana doing story times at the library, free days at the aquarium, field and science museums and concerts at the local children's museum. However the sickness in our household has really prevented us from doing any of that. She will go to daycare this week Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so that I can have time to get some things done and have an open schedule if I have any job search related activity. We have managed to do a few things. We went to the Shedd Aquarium with friends Ashley and Mara and their little ones Ezra and Mikaela. It was great to see Liliana get so excited about the huge tank in the center of the 1st floor. Her attention quickly waned and all she wanted to do was run around. This was fun to watch as well but also exhausting trying to keep up with her and keep an eye on Ashley and Mara to make sure I didn't lose them.
We had a slightly negative encounter (in my opinion) with some "bully" children. Liliana was sitting in a canoe and having a great time. This group of kids came barreling into the canoe, which is fine, but then a little girl only about 2 years old pushed Liliana out of the way and told her to go away. I pulled Liliana out of the canoe and told her our turn was over and to let the other children play. She didn't want to leave and walked back over. The same little girl pushed her away from the canoe and said "you can't play with us, go away!" At the same time, an older boy from the group about 6 years old was hitting her with the paddle from the canoe- not hard but was hitting her legs. I moved her further away from the canoe and he stretched out the paddle to hit her legs. I attempted again to move her completely away though she kicked and screamed I successfully got her interested in another exhibit. I was so annoyed. I know Liliana will continue to encounter people like this her whole life. I can't shield her from that and hope she develops the tools to deal with it without it affecting her self confidence like it did mine when I was small. I felt bullied my whole childhood and still have emotional scars from it. Beyond that, what I found so obnoxious were the mom's just standing there drinking their Starbucks watching everything and not intervening. I am not quite sure the best way to handle this type of situation but felt what I did was good for now.

Well today we are going to the doctor to see if the current antibiotics are having any impact on her ears. If not, a visit to and ENT is next. I hope she won't need tubes but also know it is common and it won't be the end of the world.

Photo below does not contain images of obnoxious children- incident occurred about 5 minutes later.

Is this normal?

I wonder as I sit here without a job, Chris' business is non-existent, I am recovering from a sinus infection coupled with bronchitis and Liliana is on her 4th round of antibiotics to try and win the battle with a stubborn ear infection why I am so happy? I was in the kitchen this morning cleaning the dishes and was swept over with this intense giddiness about our life. I wonder if this is some manic episode and I am, rather than truly at peace with my life, bordering on demonstrating symptoms of bi-polar behavior? Of course I say that in jest and with no disrespect to anyone truly afflicted with the illness. I can't help but question if this is normal or, better yet, a sign that our lives are moving in the right direction after swirling in the toilet bowl of wrong decisions or complete inaction for so long.
Not to beat the proverbial dead horse, but leaving my last job was truly the best thing that could have happened to me. It was unhealthy on so many levels and I see even more clearly now how dysfunctional the whole situation was. The unfortunate part is I believe a friend will be lost in the wreckage but not sure it was a true friendship to begin with.
So, I have 2 job opportunities that both sound great but are completely different. I am in the final round for both. I am not going to go into detail yet but will certainly update when and if the opportunity(ies) turn into offers.
What I feel like is I am on a staycation that will end in a fresh new start with work. No coming back to old issues, problems and drama. A clean slate is how I will end this wonderful time at home with Liliana.

Calm

A few months ago, as I rightly predicted my eventual unemployment, I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. It just seemed that if I lost my job everything would come crashing down around us. What I am finding odd, and amazing, is that as we are in the middle of this I am completely at peace. Things are working out in a way I never imagined. First, we are able to get on a health care plan for half of what Cobra would cost. It is a BlueCross PPO and covers the whole family. There is no penalty for canceling it at any time. We may decide to just keep it depending on what benefits are provided with a new job that is surely in my future. Second, I received a paycheck last Thursday that was for my last 2 weeks of work in December- that was a surprise. I still have my 1 month severance coming too. So I feel like we can breath a little easier for now.

I have a phone interview on Thursday for a job that sounds really great. The package is much better than Izzy and I am feeling hopeful. The final piece of the puzzle that has allowed me to be so calm is our decision about having a second baby. I was so stressed about what a future employer would think if I were pregnant early on with a new job. There was also the health insurance component which has been resolved. It made me so sad to think that I would have to put those plans on hold because it is my entire focus (besides getting a new job). I was starting to feel really angry at my previous employer even though I am so thrilled to be out of there, I was feeling resentful that he had control over such personal decisions of mine. However, everyone I have spoken with, including my father Mr Practical, has agreed that there is no point in delaying it. It may not happen right away, legally I don't have to tell them anything and it is ultimately the most important thing in my life. Ideally I would like to qualify for FMLA which requires that I am there for a year but there is so much open to negotiation and nothing is black and white. I just need to proceed as planned.

So, to summarize, I have not felt so relaxed and happy since I was on maternity leave with Liliana. I have been fighting a cold and Liliana has continued to be plagued with sickness: double ear infection, diarrhea from the antibiotics, horrible diaper rash and a rattling cough and runny nose. HOWEVER, she is happy and fun right now. I think she is on the tail end of it all. She seems to have created her own language. She can literally go on for minutes talking in her Liliana latin. She has rising and falling intonations and laughs in between. I love listening to it! I am going to truly enjoy this time with Liliana but also am really hoping to have a job in a month.

It seems horrible but it's not

As many of you know, I lost my job on Monday. Based on the previous post you can deduce that this is a good thing for us. I am at peace now and am excited about future opportunities. The whole trying for #2 thing causes a slight wrinkle in plans as I am not sure what to do. Also the lack of income and health insurance isn't ideal especially with Liliana and her double ear infection and lower respiratory infection. However, I get to be with her and nurse her through her sickness and that is awesome. I am making the blog "private" for awhile. Although I only wrote about work issues a couple of times, I don't want those entries or my trying to conceive entries to affect any future employment opportunities. It is common practice now for companies to search blogs and social networking sights. So I am going to make it private and probably take a break from blogging for awhile. However, if I do find the need to make an entry, and you would like to check it out, please send me an email and I will add you to the invite list.

Thanks for reading!

sickness

We can't seem to catch a break in this household. It is currently 6 degrees outside and the thought of leaving the house is the farthest thing from my mind. Good thing because everyone is sick...again. Chris has something pretty bad with aches, chills and a 101.2 fever AFTER he took a good dose of Ibuprofen. He can hardly get out of bed but has been really great in trying to help me out with Liliana when he can. This was sweet but may be responsible for Liliana showing signs of sickness. She had a runny nose while in Santa Fe the week before Christmas. We came home and she suffered from a several day 103 fever for the second round in a month which was the result of another ear infection. The doctor said it is most likely the same infection she had over Thanksgiving as it is in the same ear. After a strong dose of antibiotics she seemed great yesterday while Chris was in bed all day. This morning we have a runny nose and fussiness again. Chris is still in bed and I have been fighting something for what seems like months. I have had a horrible cough for over 2 months and have low grade achiness and exhaustion.

I can't help but suspect that my symptoms, other than the cough which is very real, are psychosomatic. I am vacillating between being okay mentally to being in a funk. I need to make some very real changes in my life with regards to my professional situation. It is not doing me any good feeling this way. I am also still feeling a depression over the miscarriage. We are in a place we can start trying again which is thrilling for me but I am really fearful now. Fearful I will miscarry again, fearful I won't conceive at all, fearful the baby will be genetically compromised. I feel very lonely. This weather certainly is not helping my mood either. I really think this all stems from my professional life. The unhappiness oozes into every crevice of my life. I am having insomnia again just thinking about returning to work tomorrow. I need to find my bliss. Can I put that on a resume?

This is my focus for 2010, make changes professionally that will allow me to enjoy the other beautiful aspects of my life.
Stay tuned.