Ms. Independent

I used to say that my dad only knew how to deal with little children and not adolescents because adolescents had their own opinions and expressed them. I no longer believe this to be true as it was my excuse for our own disharmonious relationship back in my (not so) joyous teen years. Well, I thought of that old belief of mine today as I began to realize that Liliana's own, fiercely strong sense of independence is changing the way I need to parent- and quick! I imagine it all started with the abrupt ending of our nursing relationship. Still reeling somewhat from that but it is getting easier as I talk about it and come to the realization that there is so much more to our mother-daughter bond than just the nursing. Still, as Liliana quickly approaches the phase of "toddler", I am rudely confronted with the fact that I have got to learn how to be a PARENT and not just a caregiver. Okay, how many of you are rolling your eyes right about now? But seriously, up until now it has been pretty easy. I feel I have done a good job these first 11 months by responding to Liliana's core needs. I have been a patient, unbelievably loving, sacrificing mommy to a sweet little baby. A sweet little baby that I could make smile by walking into a room. A sweet little baby that I could make laugh just by sitting down on the couch in an exaggerated fashion so that my hair would puff up into the air. But wow, I woke up this last Sunday to a different sweet little baby. This NEW sweet little baby looks at me and is thinking, I know you, I have you figured out. You are weak and easy to manipulate. Here are my fears in a nutshell: I am going to be an emotional, reactive parent that, with all the best intentions, is going to emotionally scar my sweet little baby. The books say not to tell them "NO" too often. Try different words like "hurt baby" or "dangerous" while moving them out of the harmful situation. Oh, they also tell you to remain calm while saying and doing. So when Liliana tried to pull herself up to standing using the pack and play, and it scooted on her and she fell over, I was calm, and tried to move her over to the more stable couch. My sweet little baby bucked and lurched and screamed and cried like I was giving her shots with a 3 inch needle. This, in my eyes, is a sign of what may be to come. In all honesty, she is still so good and even tempered. I am thinking worst case scenario. Inherant personality aside (I am not trying to start a nature vs nurture debate), I am so acutely aware now that the way I react, discipline and parent at this critical time and moving forward is so impactful and important to who she will be as an independent person... and it scares the shit out of me.

Breaking Up is Hard to do

Well today marks the day that Liliana has officially weaned herself. Nursing morning and night was working great for awhile. Then suddenly, a couple of weeks ago, I could not get her to show interest in the morning. No problem, I thought, night time feedings are the most intimate anyway. So we went along for a couple weeks still enjoying our night time nursings. They became shorter and shorter until night before last she was not interested at all. Last night I was out to dinner with my dad who is visiting from New Mexico so I wasn't here to put her to bed. I knew that my milk supply was almost shot completely but I made one, last desperate attempt tonight. She started to nuzzle in and nursed for a second but I just don't have enough milk left. It is over. I feel completely hollow. I am mourning this. You know that feeling when you broke up with someone and you realize that you will never talk to that person on the phone again or go to dinner with them again? That is the closest feeling I can describe to this. I wasn't prepared. There is so much more that Liliana gives me that is just pure joy but this, nursing, was OURS. When she latched on she reverted back to that little, tiny baby in a way. I miss that little one sometimes and I could experience that for 20 minutes while still enjoying all the cool, new things about 10.5 month old Liliana. Oh I am so sad.

So what are those cool, new things that 10.5 month old Liliana is doing? She pulls herself to standing all the time now and she takes little steps when holding her hands. Chris and I have guesses as to when she will walk. I say 3rd week in August and he says 2nd week in September. We will see! She is babbling like crazy. She has reached all the milestones that the doctor wanted us to look out for. Her top 2 front teeth are coming in. I was not expecting them to be so big! She also has that ligament between the 2 front teeth which I believe will cause a large gap but I am expecting that to only increase her cuteness level!

She continues to eat everything. Moving on to more and more finger foods. She especially loves blueberry pancakes and salmon.

I can't believe how fast it is all going. I am ready for number 2. Now let's just get Chris on board.