I used to say that my dad only knew how to deal with little children and not adolescents because adolescents had their own opinions and expressed them. I no longer believe this to be true as it was my excuse for our own disharmonious relationship back in my (not so) joyous teen years. Well, I thought of that old belief of mine today as I began to realize that Liliana's own, fiercely strong sense of independence is changing the way I need to parent- and quick! I imagine it all started with the abrupt ending of our nursing relationship. Still reeling somewhat from that but it is getting easier as I talk about it and come to the realization that there is so much more to our mother-daughter bond than just the nursing. Still, as Liliana quickly approaches the phase of "toddler", I am rudely confronted with the fact that I have got to learn how to be a PARENT and not just a caregiver. Okay, how many of you are rolling your eyes right about now? But seriously, up until now it has been pretty easy. I feel I have done a good job these first 11 months by responding to Liliana's core needs. I have been a patient, unbelievably loving, sacrificing mommy to a sweet little baby. A sweet little baby that I could make smile by walking into a room. A sweet little baby that I could make laugh just by sitting down on the couch in an exaggerated fashion so that my hair would puff up into the air. But wow, I woke up this last Sunday to a different sweet little baby. This NEW sweet little baby looks at me and is thinking, I know you, I have you figured out. You are weak and easy to manipulate. Here are my fears in a nutshell: I am going to be an emotional, reactive parent that, with all the best intentions, is going to emotionally scar my sweet little baby. The books say not to tell them "NO" too often. Try different words like "hurt baby" or "dangerous" while moving them out of the harmful situation. Oh, they also tell you to remain calm while saying and doing. So when Liliana tried to pull herself up to standing using the pack and play, and it scooted on her and she fell over, I was calm, and tried to move her over to the more stable couch. My sweet little baby bucked and lurched and screamed and cried like I was giving her shots with a 3 inch needle. This, in my eyes, is a sign of what may be to come. In all honesty, she is still so good and even tempered. I am thinking worst case scenario. Inherant personality aside (I am not trying to start a nature vs nurture debate), I am so acutely aware now that the way I react, discipline and parent at this critical time and moving forward is so impactful and important to who she will be as an independent person... and it scares the shit out of me.
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In my day, Dr Spock said to move the child away from dangerous situations and distract them. Yeah right! She would crawl to a floor lamp to pull herself up and I would move her to the center of the floor and roll a ball to her. She would repeat. I would repeat. Finally, I tenderly slapped her hands and moved her again. It got to the point that the slapping was more than tenderly and she would cry before I did it but she would never stop. I ended up putting her in the playpen for her protection. And that was just the beginning. No is not such a bad word. And screaming and swearing happen sometimes also. But be prepared that none of it may work.
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