Breaking news! 2 days after Liliana's 2nd birthday, she took it upon herself to poop in her potty! It was, by far, one of the largest poops I have seen.

Just a different spool of bad luck?

Just throwing this out there quickly. Not much to say really. I am feeling better by the way. Had a good, productive day of work today which really helps my state of mind. I also am going to the RE's office tomorrow with Chris to get Karyotyping done to make sure we don't have some genetic mismatch that luckily didn't meet with Liliana but could be coming together with these last pregnancies. I highly doubt it but at least it will be another thing we can rule out. I am also having my uterus injected with dye and x-rayed in a few weeks to see if there are any scars or adhesions that my be a problem. Again, I doubt that is the problem but after these 2 tests, we will really be done with all investigative testing. Now for the clencher, my doctor did confirm that it is very possible that the SCH (sub-chorionic hemorrhage) may have caused THIS miscarriage. That actually makes sense to me because different from the other 2, this pregnancy was not measuring behind or anything. It really seemed like it was healthy. How would that be for bad luck that we finally catch a good egg and then something totally unrelated causes the miscarriage? Not trying to sound like Debbie Downer. In fact, I almost feel relieved if this is in fact true (though we will never know for sure). At least I know that I am not doomed to popping out bad eggs forever. So I am going to go with this belief because my gut tells me this was a healthy baby otherwise. I felt it in my bones.

Is this rock bottom?

I really don't feel like writing right now but I also don't want to go to sleep. I have an early work day tomorrow and am feeling so scatter brained and sort of like an outside observer to my own life. Have you ever felt that way? I am not my together, organized self. Things still need to get done and responsibilities are still there both with work and home but I am just going through motions and not putting any thought or care into it and it is freaking me out. I am unprepared for work stuff, I am unprepared for Liliana's care. I am winging it. I think what it is is depression. I am depressed. I just want to put life on hold for a couple of days so that I can catch up. I cried hard a lot of the morning today. I am exhausted from it.

I wanted to write about what a complete ass the doctor was to me this morning but now I don't even think I want to rehash it. One thing to point out though is I asked him if my sub-chorionic hemorrhage could have caused the miscarriage and he said "maybe". That was it, no elaboration or explanation. I didn't press it. I figured I would ask my doctor when I speak to her. I don't know when that will be though. I left a message and hope to hear from her tomorrow.

I feel like I used to when I would drink a lot on a Sunday- late into the evening and then have to go to work the next day. It would mess my whole week up because I am the type of person that needs life neat and orderly when I have other responsibilities to tend to. Help, I need to get control of my life.

Weekend Update

Are you sitting on pins and needles waiting and wondering? Well I didn't make it. Started cramping pretty severely yesterday late afternoon and by 7:30 I knew it was imminent. I had Chris put Liliana to bed and I drove myself to West Sub hospital here in Oak Park. It is only 5 minutes from home. I waited the mandatory ridiculous amount of time to be seen but they seem to keep your hopes up and your body and brain occupied by calling you back to triage then sending you back to the waiting room. Then another lady pops out and they call you back to register then send you back to the waiting room. Finally I was called back to the heart of the ER where the nurses were standing around chatting with the security guard and random patients wandered from their curtained rooms to the bathroom. It was a pretty quiet night in the ER thankfully. Another huge time suck occurred just trying to figure out the hospital gown. Am I the only one that is consistently intimidated by these things? First of all, I have never seen 2 alike. Just when I think I have the style mastered on which way it goes on, where it ties, what extra piece of fabric goes through what random role they present a whole new gown style. The one last night actually required me to create my own sleeves by snapping them together. I had to figure out how to do this though my cramping. When the nurse came in I was still standing there almost naked in just my underwear and sandals holding the limp piece of fabric in my hands almost in tears. She snapped it up for me so I could get dressed.

I relayed my story for the 3rd time that night to the nurse who took my vitals and asked a lot of questions about my situation I think more for her own personal curiosity. Finally, after I was pretty comfortably laying on the examining table under a couple of blankets the doctor came in. She was probably younger than me and seemed very nice but also a little nervous about my situation. Trying to be sensitive and not say the wrong thing while I tried to be as blunt and open about it as I could to hopefully put her at ease but I think I came across as a little cold and removed from the situation. I was. I had to be. I was there for a reason. I fought back crying on 2 occasions already(minus the gown fiasco). One when I was walking back to the examine room and two as I sat there alone in the room waiting, thinking too much and realizing that I was parting with a baby, my baby, chris' baby that had, up until last week, been growing inside of me and even more significantly been forming in my future plans for our lives.

So back to the matter of fact Leigh who was thrilled and relieved when the nervous doc immediately commented upon peering up between the plastic speculum that the "product of conception" (doc's words) was right there. She plucked it out with some forceps and put it in a cup to send up to pathology. I told her how relieved I was because having genetic testing was so important for us. I had explained earlier too the whole reason I came in and needed the tissue collected was for genetic testing. Want to see if miscarriage was a result of triploidy... I actually said Triploidy. She suggested I have my doc call the lab in the morning to tell them exactly what tests they want done. I asked for the direct number and she provided.

She told me I could get dressed. I put my underwear and shorts back on but was having an extremely difficult time because I had a stick in my vein at the crook of my elbow that the nurse left in the event I needed meds or fluids. I was unable to bend my left arm. The nurse returned and asked me to leave a urine sample. Ummmm Okay. I am tempted to go into detail here but I think I will leave it alone. Let's just say with the inability to bend my left arm, my ridiculous gown that was now untied and draping and flowing all over and the aftermath of what was going on (said in whisper tone "down there") it took me close to 5 minutes to leave a urine sample plus add in all the cleaning I had to do after. My apologies to the janitorial staff at West Suburban ER.

Okay, fast forward. I got myself home, happy and relieved that all turned out okay. I got hold of the on call doc at my OB's office who immediately sounded concerned that my sample went to "pathology". He called the number and I got a call back in minutes. He informed me that the sample was not marked for genetic testing and they put it in something that instantly makes genetic testing an impossibility.

I am very upset but not as much as I imagined I would be. He said if there was any result to be concerned about the next step would be to have Chris and I tested so he said we could go ahead and do genetic testing on us anyway. Something to consider. He also gave me a lot of hope about my age and that it is a crap shoot but odds are still in our favor. Yay! So now I am over the hump and can start counting my HCG levels down to zero and get back on the trying to conceive horse.

Bye for now

The weekend wait

I hope to make it through the weekend for my D&C on Monday. I am cramping and bleeding heavily and it is only Friday morning. I have all my hopes in the genetic testing of the tissue. If that isn't able to happen I am going to have so many unresolved questions and feelings. I plan to try and lay low and not exert too much. My sadness is starting to increase as the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in.

These days are the hardest

So the period between finding out about the loss and ridding the pregnancy from my body is the hardest time. With my first miscarriage it was so fast. I took the pills the same day I found out and it was so quick and easy that by the same evening, I had fully miscarried. The second miscarriage was more complicated as I was farther along and had actually been carrying the baby (I changed the word to "baby" from "fetus" for some reason) around for weeks without knowing it had died. As you remember from previous posts it was a LONG drawn out process of taking meds that didn't work then thinking I needed a D&C then miscarrying naturally 2 days before the procedure. Overall it took almost 6 days. Then you still have to wait for your hormone levels to fall to zero before feeling truly "normal" again because then your cycle returns and you can start trying to conceive again! So here I sit, cramping, spotting and waiting for my D&C to be scheduled. They want to do it Tuesday...TUESDAY! What! First of all, I am certain to miscarry naturally by then, if not I am extremely uncomfortable and miserable with a dead baby inside of me! I don't want to go naturally because then I can't get the ever so important genetic testing done. PLUS, Tuesday is a huge work day for me. I am already feeling guilty by rescheduling my last 2 days due to unrelated illness. I can't miss work on Tuesday. This is already dragging on too long. I am, believe it or not, already thinking about getting pregnant again and want to move this parade along. In the meantime, I sit vacillating in the area of pregnant woman, not pregnant woman. It is an area I don't find very pleasant.

Damn

I am not writing a long post, there will be plenty more to follow as the numbness wears off. I had a 3rd miscarriage today. Rather I found out today that my baby had no heartbeat and stopped growing last Wednesday at 8weeks 2days. We kept this pregnancy really quiet and were going to announce at our pulled pork party at the end of the month. I even bought a "I'm going to be a big sister" t-shirt for Liliana to wear to make the announcement. It is the same story, saw heartbeat, everything was fine then same day as ultrasound baby stops growing. I have the flu or something like it and have been feeling really rotten all day. After the Tylenol kicked in I noticed pretty significant cramping. I went into my doctor's office to be checked and that is when we received the news. Unbelievable. I am an Atheist and I tell you, I actually wondered today if there is a vengeful God out there that is punishing me for my lack of belief. Of course I don't believe this, especially when I see on Babycenter so may religious girls talking about God taking their baby to heaven and how it is all part of his plan. What bullshit.