Nope I take that back!

Okay, finally miscarried naturally, at the doctor's office this morning. D&C off the table thankfully. Plus the good thing is since the doc was able to collect the fetus it can be sent to genetics for testing. Okay, I am now experiencing the huge sadness combined with the huge relief that goes with finally miscarrying. At least now this goal oriented girl can focus on getting hCG levels down to zero. That is my next milestone...stay tuned. In the meantime I will start to write again about the gorgeous, amazing little girl that this blog is named after. Sorry to divert away but life gets in the way...

By the way, I scanned over my previous posts and I am sounding so robotic and detached. I guess in a way I am. I am purposely trying to be factual and have really put up a wall. I actually consciously keep myself from thinking too much about what is really happening. I don't think this is healthy but when I let myself think about it the sadness and grief is so incredibly intense and overwhelming that I want to curl up in a ball. I feel like I don't have that option right now with work and taking care of Liliana. I am afraid I am behaving too detached though. I need time to grieve... I need help doing that. Not sure what to do- strange.

Need a d&c afterall. Ultrasound revealed baby still in there. I wanted to see the images and the doctor pointed out that the baby was malformed even this early. I am so confused and sad.

Update to What a drag it is getting old

The Cytotec finally kicked in after manageable cramps turned into what I can only assume were cramps comparable to labor contractions. I was in the most incredible pain I have ever experienced. I attempted to do yoga breathing and walk around but it seemed so silly not to mention pretty sucky to be experiencing labor pains without the reward of a baby at the end. Still, with all the cramping, nothing was happening. Then, while walking through the kitchen, I had the most unbelievable cramp followed by the first gushing (sorry for the detail but that is what I am going through). The amazing thing is, after that cramp and release, I had no more cramps. The release has not ended though and 12 weeks worth of my baby's home has to come out. It is been a very trying evening but at least I will avoid the D&C.

What a drag it is getting old

Now when asked by the doctor: "number of pregnancies?" I will have to answer 3. When they ask the follow up question: "number of children?" I will answer 1. Let's quickly get you up to speed in a very factual basis because I am emotionally drained and that avoidance mechanism that keeps me from feeling or thinking in detail about what I have lost and what is no longer true has kicked into high gear.

• Positive Pregnancy Test toward the end of January giving me an estimated due date around 10/7/10.
• Call to doc to schedule first OB appointment led to a request to come in for early screening due to previous miscarriage- YAY an early ultrasound! Plus early blood work to check hCG levels
  
• Ultrasound on 2/16 (approx 6wks 4days pregnant) showed an empty sac. Doc not concerned, thinks my dates are off slightly and suggested I come back for our original OB appointment 2 weeks later- hCG levels look good.
• 2 weeks of pure despair, worrying and stress- plus I am interviewing for a JOB at this point. Focus Leigh, focus.
• Gripping Chris' hand during the Ultrasound 2 weeks later (8weeks 5days) showed a baby with a heartbeat! Oh I actually cried I was so happy and relieved. However baby measuring 7weeks 4days but doc not concerned at all. I ovulate late etc... She is not concerned, I am not concerned. New due date 10/15/09
• Life goes on as usual, get a job offer 2 days later (oooh, how to tell work??), happy happy happy. After a rough 12+months things are looking good!
• Schedule my CVS test for 3/25, my 20 week ultrasound and 6 months of OB appointments.
  
• Though paranoid and worried about miscarrying, am showing no signs or miscarriage symptoms at all. Feel nauseous, sore boobs etc...
  
• 3.5 weeks pass since beautiful, heartbeat viewing ultrasound and now time for the CVS test! Yay! We are going to find out baby's sex today and find out that there are no genetic disorders and we can finally make the big announcement to family and friends!
• When we get to the hospital for the CVS test, I tell the ultrasound tech that I am afraid she isn't going to find a heartbeat. Purely a statement made for self protection.
  
• I look at the screen as she starts and I see immediately- I say "that doesn't look right". The geneticists says "I am so sorry". I say "Fuck"
• The baby stopped growing right after the last ultrasound. Still measuring at 7 weeks 4 days. In retrospect I should have been more concerned about the almost week discrepancy.
• Devastation, crying, disbelief- all of it
• Back to the doctor who hugs me, as does the nurse- I love my doctor. Given the option to do a D&C or take the Cytotec to jump-start natural miscarriage I opt for the Cytotec. It worked so quickly last time (fuck, I can now say "last time", my "first miscarriage"). Plus with my new job, I don't know when the D&C will be scheduled and if I can pass this over the weekend that would be great.
• I actually went to work that Thursday afternoon and for an evening event- numb.
• I couldn't work on Friday and I opened up and told my boss what was going on- he was incredibly understanding and said at HON, family comes first. Yay- I love my new company.
• I take the Cytotec Friday evening after putting Liliana to bed- nothing happened. It didn't work. I was prepared with a box of pads, a new heating pad, comfort food and the remote.
• A call to the on-call doctor yesterday (Saturday) resulted in a second prescription being written with the instructions to take it today-Sunday. Also with the guidance that it should work in 3-5 hours and that sometimes it just doesn't work.

So this brings me to where I am right now. I took it at 8:30am and it is 11:10am. Nothing. No cramps, bleeding or anything. Which means that I will have to have a D&C. I am hoping they can schedule it for Friday because that is a work holiday and then I have the weekend to recover.
I go in tomorrow for a follow up ultrasound but not sure if it is necessary if I haven't passed anything. Why is my body holding on so tight? I just need to shed what is inside of me. It is the only way I was able to move on last time. Following my hCG levels down to zero kept me going. Hearing they hit zero was almost as exciting as seeing a positive pregnancy test.

I will keep you tuned in as I travel this journey but will leave you with this. We both want another baby more than anything but are not sure if we can go through it again. The chances of these miscarriages (which are called "missed miscarriages) increase with age because they are most likely the result of chromosomal abnormality. In other words, my eggs be old! At least this is the assumption by all involved parties.

What I wish I had right now was some stability in my life (I don't mean personal relationships) but in my day to day life. Having a new job really takes a lot of focus and I feel so underwater and confused. Chris isn't working (thankfully he is a wonderful stay at home dad). I wish I had the stability and understanding of a job I was familiar with so I could dive in full force and rely on it to keep me occupied. Right now I am just trying to keep my head above water with so many unknowns in our life. For crappy sentimental purposes, I am posting a picture of our Little Peanut.

I Can Bring Home the Bacon

Just a quick note that I got a job!! I am really excited about it. The company is really strong and everyone seems really wonderful and supportive. I start in 2 weeks. I will be calling on a handful of dealers and smaller A+D firms. I am anxious to get started and be successful. I really have something to prove after such a crappy experience with my last company. This company is much more structured and professional which will prove to be great for me. Plus the base pay and bonus program blows last job out of the water. Here is a link to MY NEW COMPANY
In the meantime, I am going to enjoy these last 2 weeks with Liliana. I wish we could get away and go to a warm climate for a long weekend...

Speech Therapy

The entourage of speech therapist, developmental therapist and two intake girls just left the house. What an ordeal. It was really uncomfortable for me because I kept feeling like I was being judged and that Liliana was being scrutinized. I know that isn't what was going on but I was so nervous that she wouldn't "measure up". They asked me a lot of questions about her behavior, activities and communication. They also brought their own toys to play with her. Basically she was a shining star at the end. Her developmental skills are either right at 18 months or more advanced at 21 months. Her comprehension is great and her ability to communicate without spoken words is great. However, there is a "concern" about her lack of spoken words and, more concerning, her ability to "imitate" sounds or words. At the end the have recommended speech therapy one day a week. The evaluation is free, the therapy is not. I don't know if I am doing her a disservice but I have no intention of having her go through this. I didn't even ask what is involved in the speech therapy because I became so overwhelmed with signing of papers and listening to their evaluation results. I should have asked. Is it wrong that I am choosing not to go down the therapy route? I really think in her own time the language will come spilling out. Her "jargoning" is a good sign and I think I will start practicing sign with her. I hate they way this whole experience is making me feel.