Liliana loves pants

Confession

Now that it is safely behind us I have to say, I hate Christmas. The craziness that surrounds it with the shopping and baking and wrapping and decorating and card writing and the pretense of the "spirit" of the holidays- blech! Enough already! I haven't always felt this way. When I was young, small child young, I LOVED Christmas time. We were not a religious family but we celebrated the way every retailer dreams of. I fondly remember several things from our traditions. The familiar drum roll and spinning of the words "special" on CBS that could only mean a Rankin/Bass claymation show or Charlie Brown Christmas. Receiving the 500+ page toy catalog from my Jewish Grandparents and being allowed to choose toys from so many great play things. For some reason, every year, I was drawn to the pink, manual typewriter. And every year, I did not get, the pink, manual typewriter. Another tradition was decorating the tree. All five of us gathered as a family and we pulled out the boxes of barely organized, loosely tissue wrapped ornaments. It was so exciting to see and recognize the familiar tree decorations. Especially the handmade ones. Every year I loved seeing the paper reindeer that I had brought home from pre-school with its sloppy glue and glitter job. Finally, every year we would go to Barb's house for Christmas Eve and I would gorge myself on her amazing stuffed mushrooms (this may have only happened once...) and then we would drive home. I would be excited but sleepy and my brothers would point up into the amazing New Mexico star filled, December sky and ask if I could see Rudolph's nose. I could! I swear I could! The next morning we would wake to find filled stockings on our beds and the three of us would gather in some one's room (the selection of the room was random) to pilfer through the Lifesaver books and wind up toys. Once my parents woke, after several attempts by us beginning at 6:00am, we would have Sara Lee pecan coffee cake, bacon and OJ.

Alright, then there is the memory when I got out of bed, too excited to sleep to find my parents putting training wheels on a brand new bicycle and yelling at me to get back to bed. Really yelling and angry is how I remember it. I returned to my room and sat on top of my bed with my floral canopy overhead and my legs swinging, not able to touch the floor and pouted that I didn't want a stupid bike anyway.

Okay, then comes divorce and 2 Christmas mornings, and the coffee cake doesn't taste the same and Dad doesn't get a tree but attempts to decorate his 3 foot cactus and Mom tries to force us to go to her boyfriend's house for Christmas day and oh hell it just all fell apart for this 11 year old.

Then in college it regained some of its "magic" for me because I loved seeing my brothers when we were still all able to make it home every Christmas and the 2 Christmas mornings were actually fun. Sara Lee and stockings at mom's and Mimosas and Bagels & Lox at Dad's. When my little brothers came into our lives I loved waking up (though hungover) to the sounds of "Daddy Daddy look what Santa brought me!" Then we all married off, the older brother's families grew and they began their own traditions. It became unlikely that any of us would be able to coordinate Christmas visits back to Santa Fe any how.

So when it all went sour for me isn't clear. It didn't happen suddenly but over time as I spent more holidays alone. I have no desire to shop for anyone. I don't look forward to getting or decorating a tree. I used to love to bake cookies, even for all my clients. Now, no way. I am especially annoyed at the false cheer spewing from every one's mouth. It is like one big Hallmark card being verbalized over and over for 3 weeks straight. If I felt that it was sincere then I wouldn't be so bitter but it's not, so I am.

I do like a couple things about the holidays. I look forward to extra days off from work and the overall "quietness" of my industry during this time of year. I still like claymation. Hmmm, I think that is all I can think of. No, wait, I do like Christmas lights. They are beautiful especially when lit while all other lights in the house are off.

I want to shed this negative attitude and find our own tradition as a family. Not as a religious celebration but I do know it can be meaningful and that this will be important for Liliana. We will find our way as a family with our own significance of the holiday...I hope.

Happy Holidays

I feel like there is too much information to share and not enough time. I currently have a flourless chocolate cake in the oven that was supposed to be done 30 minutes ago but thanks to my crappy oven which keeps randomly shutting off while the cake is supposed to be baking, it is still a soupy concoction. Not to mention, when I first pulled it out to test it the oven rack wouldn't slide easily so the water bath that the cake is baking in sloshed right into the batter certainly ruining the cake for good. We shall see but I am not optimistic- Ho Ho Ho.
Liliana is currently sleeping as she has moved to one afternoon nap.
She continues to lack any discernable vocabulary but freakishly understands everything. She can follow instructions when asked to get something, do something (or NOT do something.)
Santa Fe was a great visit with the family and I feel like she changed by leaps and bounds over that week. Watching her walk around is awesome and she laughs all the time. She loves to be chased- especially by my mom's weiner dogs. I have some great video that I will post after I figure out my new video camera.
The holidays are upon us and next year Liliana will have a firm understanding of presents and toys. I am truly a grinch but my heart is starting to grow in anticipation of making this time of year memorable for my baby.
Happy Holidays to everyone.

12 above Zero

This is both the predicted temperature for tomorrow in Chicago and my hCG levels. For those of you who don't speak hormone levels, this just means my body is almost ready to start trying to conceive again. They fell from almost 3000 last monday to 12 in one week. Pregnant, not pregnant- no confusion there. The doctor wants to monitor the levels to zero then after one cycle we can start trying again.

In Liliana news, she has a wicked fever. It came on suddenly on Monday night. It was a whopping 103. It has fluctuated between 101.4 and 102.5 since then (with Motrin suppression). Her mood has been fairly good until today. She is not herself-very whiny, crying, clingy and not eating. All totally understandable. Doctor confirmed her ear infection is cleared up so it is some virus (likely not H1N1 since she has been vaccinated). This is the week she was supposed to start her cool, new home daycare. We found a great lady just blocks from us who is a retired Montessori teacher and has been doing this for 30 years. She has 5 children max in her care and brings in story tellers and singers weekly. I am so disappointed that Liliana is missing out on this but more sad that she is so sick. I hope she is travel ready by next Tuesday when we are off to New Mexico.

The sickness has provided me with one sweet nugget. This morning she woke up several times from 4:00am on. Chris was out of bed at 5:00am for early appointments so when she woke up crying at 6:00 I brought her in the bed with me. I try this from time to time and she just wants to play but this morning she put her head on the pillow next to mine and fell asleep. It was sweet bliss for me. I love that she sleeps in her own crib for 12 hours at a stretch (usually) but to nap next to her for an hour or so is beautiful.

Liliana makes everything better

I am lifting out of the muck and feeling much more like myself. My body is back to normal and I am optimistically forward thinking. I am now much more driven to start exercising in preparation for a future conception. All week I had this unquenchable need to be with Liliana. Lucky for me, she chose this week to learn how to hug on command. Unlucky for her, she didn't realize that I wouldn't be so easy to pry away from. I found myself smelling her neck, her head, kissing her constantly and squeezing her with no intention of letting go. I wanted to crawl in her crib and sleep with her. Thank god for her.

A Mother's Instinct

When Chris and I were the proud parents of 3 cats, before Liliana was even a desire in our lives, I had what I called "mommy ears". I could hear the kitties meowing, or scratching to come inside from anywhere in the house. I was proud of my mommy ears because it was the closest thing to a maternal symptom that I ever imagined I would experience. Of course 2 years ago we made the decision to be mommy and daddy to a 2 legged, furless baby and haven't looked back. I never imagined the effect motherhood would have on me. The mommy ears have morphed into what I assume is maternal instinct. Knowing the difference between a little fussiness and behavior that signifies an ear infection. Maybe it isn't instinct but just common sense but I can't help but be grateful for all those decisions I have made erring on the side of caution only to be so relieved I did so.

I knew immediately that I wanted another baby. I remember nursing Liliana in the middle of the night when she was only a couple months old already fantasizing about being pregnant again. Of course I wasn't (we weren't) ready then but I knew it was in our future. Around Liliana's first birthday (my 40th) we felt it was time to start trying again. After the requisite few months of trying (which seemed like years and convinced me I was too old and it wouldn't happen) we got the positive pregnancy result I had been craving for so long. This was on Halloween- Happy Halloween! I called to make my first prenatal appointment and was able to get in on December 8th- my 9th week of pregnancy. I immediately signed up for prenatal yoga even though I am the only one in the room without the beautiful, round belly.

I called my mom to share the great news. Other people learned through other ways such as guessing because I wasn't drinking wine at a party, or because I was sharing prenatal yoga class with a neighbor. Other than letting a handful of friends know because I was too excited to keep it in, we decided not to share with the rest of family or friends until we had the green light from the doctor. I am not sure why we made this decision this time around but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to hear the heart beat or even get our genetic testing back before sharing globally. It was such a nagging concern even though everything seemed fine until last week.

I started spotting- I never spotted with Liliana so I started to panic a little. The PA who saw Liliana on Wednesday for her ear infection assured me that light spotting is normal. We set off for Iowa the next day. The spotting continued and got heavier. I was completely distracted, concerned and overwhelmed with what was going on that I was mentally absent during Thanksgiving dinner. The next day Chris and I snuck off to the hospital. Blood tests showed my HCG levels to be lower than they should be at 7.5 weeks. I then had to go to another town for an ultrasound. I was panicked that they would either find it in the tube or just find an empty yolk sac. I was so relieved to see the familiar nugget on the video screen with a little fluttering in the center- it was a heartbeat. The sonographer was, in Chris' words, as warm as a snake. After the exam she handed us two pictures that had labels on the bottom showing the embryo to be 6 weeks. The confusion set in here. I am trying to figure out reasons that I may only be 6 weeks along. I know when I ovulated so I couldn't have counted wrong. But, bottom line, I saw a heartbeat. I felt relief, but not completely. It was only Friday and I would have to wait until Monday to see my doctor. By now, the family found out what was going on and came to meet us at the hospital. Everyone was congratulating me but I couldn't absorb the joy, it still felt wrong.

The bleeding subsided somewhat over the weekend so I started to think we were in the clear. My doctor would set everything straight, tell me we are on the right track and all looks good. I called first thing Monday morning and got in to see the doctor at 2:30. Throughout Monday morning and while I sat forever in the doctor's office the spotting turned red and became full on bleeding. I frantically was texting with 3 separate friends about what was going on. They gave me positive words of love, encouragement. Finally, Dr. Roth comes in to see me, starts to examine me a tells me my bleeding really isn't as much as I think it is. Okay, still some hope! I fill her in on the details, point to the packet of test results that I have had clutched in my hand for hours and she begins the ultrasound. With the screen turned away from me I watch her face, my heart pounding, I have to turn away. She breaths in and while nodding toward the packet of test results she says she sees the baby to be at 6 weeks along and she sees no heartbeat. Other words were said, I can't remember. I am not surprised, I am not, but I am devastated. Chris is out in the lobby with Liliana. She gives me my options and I choose to take a medication to speed the tissue expulsion along. It went from being my baby to being tissue in one minute.

I started this post with the intention of writing what I was feeling but got lost in recapping of details. I am drained now. What I can say, is that I never expected to be so thrown by this whole experience. I went back to the doctor today to get a follow up ultrasound to ensure everything had passed. Sitting in the waiting room amongst all the pregnant women left me short of breath and shaking my foot violently to keep from crying. When the nurse that called me back, the same one that called me back on Monday, greeted me, I couldn't speak. By the time I got to the same ultrasound room from Monday, I was crying. I wanted to completely lose it but I was all alone. I held it together and got through the exam. I am underwater in a depression that I haven't felt in a very long time. I am so anxious to start trying again but of course need to wait for my body to recover. I am in the midst of a deep, dark funk and I hope to come out the other side soon.