GERD

Well it looks like she has GERD (acid reflux). This is so hard. I can hardly stand to watch her suffer like she is. There is really nothing you can do other than keep her upright and angle her mattress for sleeping. They rarely medicate babies for GERD though Chris seems to want her medicated. He is less patient with her crying. It really is one of the most difficult things to deal with but for me it is because I just can't stand her suffering- it truly is heart breaking.
I understand that she will outgrow it but until then there is little we can do except modifications of feeding and sleeping positions.

Happy 1 Month Birthday!

To celebrate, we have finally pooped- 3 times in the last 3 hours- yeah! By we I mean Liliana- though I share a lot of info on this blog I am not sharing my personal bathroom habits...
Formula sucks- I hate it and it makes her miserable- gas and constipation.
She is back to nursing as I am feeling much better and so is she!

One milestone I noticed is she looks AT me more than beyond me. She still seems more enamored with the corner of a wall or the ceiling fan but at times she will stare at my face-

We will celebrate her 1 month on this earth this evening- pictures to come...

A Particularly Difficult Time

The last couple of days have been tough for me. To preface, imagine all that is going on is while I am topless. This is per doctor's recommendation. I am not healing at all but I have not helped matters any by wearing nursing tanks with gauze and ointment. I have created a warm, dark, moist environment- perfect for cultivating yeast cultures! Too bad I am not an 8th grade science experiment. I am so frustrated with myself b/c I feel I have made null and void the last 2 weeks of twice daily pill popping. So, I sit here for the 2nd day straight trying to air out but I don't think it is working. I am still in so much pain and now there is nothing there to protect me from the pain when I try and hold Liliana close...and boy she has needed to be held A LOT lately.
She is suffering from bad gas and not frequent pooping. She used to poop several times daily and yesterday she went only once. She has yet to go today. I suspect, as I mentioned yesterday, it is from the formula. The pain from the gas is also preventing her from sleeping. I will feed her, she will fall asleep and minutes later she wakes up screaming in pain. She is easily consolable but it cycles like this constantly. I am trying everything to help her pass gas- I finally sent Chris out to get Mylicon which helped her a little (a couple of little toots) but I have yet to see a poop. I am afraid when it finally does come it will be an explosion like yesterday- it was EVERYWHERE!
I am doing all I can to not give her formula which means I am basically tied to the pump. I have also started nursing her on the less damaged side which is working out okay except now I don't know how much she is consuming! I think I got a little spoiled with the bottles b/c I know for certain that she just ate 4oz and that I wasn't denying her. Now, she can be at the breast for 30 min, fall asleep, wake up and show major hunger cues and I don't know what they are all about! Is she really still hungry or just needing to suck? I know I nursed exclusively for 3 weeks and didn't have this concern but now it has entered my world and it is stressing me out.

So here I sit, topless, in the den, which is the only room downstairs with window treatments. This is where I have been for the last 36 hours with the exception of sleep time. I have Liliana on my lap briefly sleeping and I am typing off to the side. My pump is in arms reach to the other side. The cleaning lady just left and I am eyeing a nugget of something on the otherwise clean kitchen floor. I suspect it is a poop- a solid poop left by the cat that hasn't pooped anything solid in the last 3 years. Seriously! My poor little baby is struggling to poop and here goes the cat- leaving a perfectly formed poop in my site line- cruel and, possibly, an example of irony- not quite sure though-that word is never used correctly.
As Liliana stiffens her legs from the pain, she, without fail, kicks me right at her food source- I am in SO MUCH PAIN- I want it to go away NOW.
I must say though that my resolve to breastfeed this child is strong- I am not giving in- I didn't realize how passionate I would feel about this but I am surprising myself!
The other thing that surprises me is my complete lack of frustration with the baby. I feel only empathy for her and I don't feel angry or annoyed-I just want to hold her close and make her feel better- what frustrates me is that I can't do that easily b/c of the pain.
When she is trying particularly hard to poop she looks like a cross between Robert DeNiro and Steven VanZandt's character on the Sopranos.
In any case-this is today-tomorrow will be another experience- all are memorable and all are absolutely worth it.

4 Weeks Old!

I can't believe it has been 4 weeks.
Everything is going so fast.
Liliana weighed in at a healthy 9lbs 1 Oz yesterday! She is doing great on a combination of formula and pumped milk- this is the route I am taking now b/c I am still not healing well.
The green poop I mentioned before was a result of ingesting blood during feedings. This is my own diagnosis. She was spitting up a lot of blood so I stopped nursing. The result was beautiful (if you want to call it that) yellow poop! I am very frustrated with the fact that I am not healing. I am at the point now where I am beginning to accept that fact that I probably won't be able to nurse but now I am worried that I won't get rid of this infection or pain!
I have 2 more months of maternity leave and I am already sad about leaving her when I return to work! I don't know how people do it after 6 weeks- it is simply not enough time.
I am starting to get a little house crazy and am looking to get out of the house more and connect with other people.
Chris and I took Liliana to the Oaktoberfest on Saturday- there were a lot of people there with very young babies. It felt good to be out of the house socializing!
I also have plans on Thursday to meet someone that I met through a friend on facebook. She is also from Santa Fe, lives in Chicago and has a new baby. I am looking forward to chatting with another new mom!
Liliana still continues to have a great demeanor. She is generally easy to sooth when upset. Lately though she has been more fussy. I attribute this to formula. She has a little more tummy issues with the formula but once she gets through that she is completely calm again- you can tell that she just wants to poop! Breastmilk apparently is a natural laxative so she has less issues when nursing or drinking more pumped milk (I can only pump so much though and must supplement with formula).

I have booked our tickets to Santa Fe for Thanksgiving and am looking forward to the trip but am trying to figure out the logistics of the travel. I didn't realize how complicated it was- do we send our extra car seat base to Santa Fe? What do we do with the car seat/carrier- do they check it below the airplane with the stroller? Do I trust that- what if it gets damaged and then is unsafe? Do we have to drive to the airport and park the car? I will figure it all out but if anyone has suggestions I am open to them- I know people travel with infants all the time!

Paranoid first time Mom

Now that the focus has shifted a bit off my own pain and issues, I am transferring concern and worry onto Liliana- why does her poop suddenly resemble pesto and is no longer that perfect yellow color it is supposed to be? Why is she fussier than she was last week? Why did she projectile vomit about 6 oz of milk right into my face while we were lying in bed only inches apart? (think exorcist). I run to the internet, to my "baby bible" or the phone to get answers to these questions. They range anywhere from- totally normal, no need to be concerned or sounds like food allergies to could be cause for concern- call your doctor. So far I am remaining calm and am waiting for our appointment on Monday to confirm all is okay. She doesn't have a fever and seems to be eating plenty. In fact, I suspect the projectile incident was a result from over feeding. I am learning not to mis-read her hunger cues. Sometimes she does the fist in the mouth even after a very long feeding when all she really wants to do is suck on a finger to sooth her. Before, I was either nursing her again or giving her pumped milk from a bottle. The night she went Linda Blair on me she had nursed 2 times for 30 min each AND had 4oz from a bottle b/c she kept acting hungry and was crying A LOT. I think we made matters worse b/c her tummy was probably too full. As we get to know eachother better, I realize that she just needs to be soothed so a finger in her mouth to suck on works wonders!
Hopefully next Monday will reveal that all is okay, green poop is green poop and not a sign of my milk being "imbalanced", that she is gaining weight and is all around healthy as I suspect she is...

So I have heard

Alright, I have been told by more than one person that my blog entries are TMI (for a brother) and kind of a turn off- talk about the baby already!
Point taken- sorry, I guess I didn't realize people were actually reading this so thanks!

Update

The lactation consultant doesn't really know what is going on b/c I am doing everything right yet Liliana is doing something funky with her tongue when latching on- this is new- she hasn't always done this...
On a different note though, I have yeast infection of the breasts! This is what is causing so much pain but I am on a 2 week Diflucan regimen and already feel the difference.

Now about the baby (I feel bad that I want to write about her but it always comes back to my boobies!) She seems amazingly alert and interactive for a 2 week old- she frequently has her eyes open and is taking in whatever it is she can see at this point. We also swear she is smiling and it isn't gas!!
She seems happiest when just in a diaper and I have learned that she LOVES being carried in a sling- I think it mimics the womb very well- now she can nap and I can do laundry at the same time!

She had been sleeping part or all of the nights in bed with us as I was so exhausted by nighttime that after nursing I just plopped her down next to me. She seems to sleep very well nuzzled next to me but I know that so many people think this is a no no and could be harmful etc..It just feels so nice. Anyway, we did put her down in her crib last night and she slept there the whole night.

She is such a sweaky, wonderful little thing- Chris and I say more than once a day how lucky we are...

What a Love!

I am amazed at the love that is developing for little Liliana.
It is just so intense- I can stare at her face forever.
My mom was in town this last week and helped out a lot- I am on my own now but feel I have a pretty good routine down and am finally feeling better (not achy and fluey like before) so I actually have energy and desire to do chores around the house! Now I just have to put the baby down so I can get it done! She just loves to sleep on me though and wakes every time I put her in the bassinet or crib.
I have the lactation consultant coming back today because I am still having trouble with the latching and am re-damaging myself! It is so unbelievably frustrating- I can't figure out what I am doing wrong- I feel like I am doing everything correctly yet it comes out all wrong- I just don't know what to do to fix it- I really hope this follow up visit will help- this situation is tainting what otherwise would be the most blissful experience. Don't get me wrong, it is truly fantastic but getting sweaty palms every time I have to feed her because I am anticipating excruciating pain and knowing I am reversing the healing process truly just sucks.
All that aside, we are so in awe...

More nursing woes-but I am on the mend

I originally was going to post this entry with details about all the trouble I have been having but I am in a much better place right now so in a nutshell: Was in so much pain that I simply couldn't imagine latching on one more time, I tried to pump but yielded hardly any milk. I simply broke down crying in the middle of the night feeling like a horrible mother who wasn't able to provide for her baby the way she wanted to. I reluctantly, very reluctantly, allowed my mom to give her a bottle of formula on Thursday morning just so she had food intake. It was a very rainy day on Thursday and I literally sat all day pumping as much milk as I could so i could keep my supply up and have milk for Liliana. Well, I had a lactation consultant come in yesterday (Friday) and we worked through things. Between fine tuning the actual feedings and getting the name of prescription cream to help me heal, I am on the mend. I feel so much better and the feedings are going great. She gained 6oz from Tuesday to Friday.
Word of advice for any future first time moms. DO NOT leave the hospital without proper instructions from a lactation consultant if you are experiencing ANY PAIN. It is not right and it should not hurt. I feel very frustrated and let down by Prentice Hospital b/c I feel I was given poor guidance and information. I can't tell you how many people I told about the pain and the soreness which turned to bleeding while I was there. They all told me it would heal on its own blah blah blah...
Onto other things, it has been such a whirlwind here. I have lost complete track of time but it is great. Liliana still continues to be unbelievably well behaved and is getting more alert and active by the minute! I have added new pictures to the slideshow of All Things Liliana and will continue to do so until I run out of space so check the Picassa sight periodically if you are interested.
Mom has been a great help and Chris continues to amaze me with what he is doing. He is cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and just being all around fantastic.

TMI but I must share...

I mentioned before how much I love nursing-I do and I don't want to give it up for anything-Here is an example of how passionate, or crazy, I am. Please share with me if any of you out there have had an experience like this because I am kind of freaked out...
So I have sore nipples. Not just sore, but cracked, bleeding, so incredible painful that it is miserable (I did title this entry as TMI so don' t say I didn't warn you).
Liliana and I are a great team when it comes to nursing. She has a great latch and I am perfecting several holds: the football, the side lying and the cross cradle. It has become quite easy but it hasn't always been that way...The first couple of days were difficult and we didn't have the latch quite right hence, the state my nipples are currently in...( I have decided to not be shy about sharing information like this- it is part of the experience that I want to keep real and true)
So last night right after her bath and minutes before we had my neighbors and my dad's friend over for dinner I went to get Liliana dressed. She was just kickin' it in her crib checking out her surroundings and making cute little noises. She turned her head made a little cough and out came coagulated milk mixed with blood and a bloody piece of tissue. I was totally scared and freaked but realized the ONLY thing it could be was from feeding-yes from my nipple (I have never typed that word so many times before). I called the doctor and she agreed that is probably what it was. She is fine otherwise, eating, pooping, peeing, sleeping, temperature etc...
Seriously! Does this happen? What is strange is my feeling about it- I feel guilty. I feel bad that she had to ingest that and she so innocently coughed it up.
I continue to nurse b/c the pain is only at the beginning and then it feels fine (but it is excruciating at the beginning). I hear that they do heal even with continued nursing so I am keeping my fingers crossed!

We had a nice visit from my dad the last couple of days and are awaiting arrival of my mom tomorrow!
Last night our neighbors came over for dinner and they were a HUGE help in the kitchen- thank you Joe so much for your help. We have fantastic friends and neighbors who are being so kind and giving.

Liliana continues to sleep very well and has allowed me to sleep very well too. She is a fantastic baby so far- not fussy, great eater and sleeper and the cutest baby in the world.
I just need to learn to put her down once in a while...