The last couple of days have been tough for me. To preface, imagine all that is going on is while I am topless. This is per doctor's recommendation. I am not healing at all but I have not helped matters any by wearing nursing tanks with gauze and ointment. I have created a warm, dark, moist environment- perfect for cultivating yeast cultures! Too bad I am not an 8th grade science experiment. I am so frustrated with myself b/c I feel I have made null and void the last 2 weeks of twice daily pill popping. So, I sit here for the 2nd day straight trying to air out but I don't think it is working. I am still in so much pain and now there is nothing there to protect me from the pain when I try and hold Liliana close...and boy she has needed to be held A LOT lately.
She is suffering from bad gas and not frequent pooping. She used to poop several times daily and yesterday she went only once. She has yet to go today. I suspect, as I mentioned yesterday, it is from the formula. The pain from the gas is also preventing her from sleeping. I will feed her, she will fall asleep and minutes later she wakes up screaming in pain. She is easily consolable but it cycles like this constantly. I am trying everything to help her pass gas- I finally sent Chris out to get Mylicon which helped her a little (a couple of little toots) but I have yet to see a poop. I am afraid when it finally does come it will be an explosion like yesterday- it was EVERYWHERE!
I am doing all I can to not give her formula which means I am basically tied to the pump. I have also started nursing her on the less damaged side which is working out okay except now I don't know how much she is consuming! I think I got a little spoiled with the bottles b/c I know for certain that she just ate 4oz and that I wasn't denying her. Now, she can be at the breast for 30 min, fall asleep, wake up and show major hunger cues and I don't know what they are all about! Is she really still hungry or just needing to suck? I know I nursed exclusively for 3 weeks and didn't have this concern but now it has entered my world and it is stressing me out.
So here I sit, topless, in the den, which is the only room downstairs with window treatments. This is where I have been for the last 36 hours with the exception of sleep time. I have Liliana on my lap briefly sleeping and I am typing off to the side. My pump is in arms reach to the other side. The cleaning lady just left and I am eyeing a nugget of something on the otherwise clean kitchen floor. I suspect it is a poop- a solid poop left by the cat that hasn't pooped anything solid in the last 3 years. Seriously! My poor little baby is struggling to poop and here goes the cat- leaving a perfectly formed poop in my site line- cruel and, possibly, an example of irony- not quite sure though-that word is never used correctly.
As Liliana stiffens her legs from the pain, she, without fail, kicks me right at her food source- I am in SO MUCH PAIN- I want it to go away NOW.
I must say though that my resolve to breastfeed this child is strong- I am not giving in- I didn't realize how passionate I would feel about this but I am surprising myself!
The other thing that surprises me is my complete lack of frustration with the baby. I feel only empathy for her and I don't feel angry or annoyed-I just want to hold her close and make her feel better- what frustrates me is that I can't do that easily b/c of the pain.
When she is trying particularly hard to poop she looks like a cross between Robert DeNiro and Steven VanZandt's character on the Sopranos.
In any case-this is today-tomorrow will be another experience- all are memorable and all are absolutely worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment