Waiting for Ol' St. Nick

It is the morning of Christmas Eve and this scrooge has been able to rediscover the joy of the holiday (yes, even Atheists love the spirit of Christmas). Fortunately I have been able to do it without the Dickensian visits from spirits and time travel.

Wow, blogus interruptus. Liliana shut my computer on me this morning and I never got back to my writing. Too bad, I felt a good roll coming on. I will try and continue on Christmas morning as it is now 11:00pm on Christmas Eve and I am exhausted. Needless to say, it was a fantastic night with a full on family of 3 dance party. Liliana went to sleep faster than normal probably from a combination of exhaustion and excitement for Santa.
More to follow soon. Merry Christmas everyone!

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

So, I know that nothing I post going forward (or anything in the past for that matter) is unique, spectacular or otherwise in the life of a toddler. I know that Liliana is not the first child to say, "Owie Mama my butt" after over shooting the end of the slide and landing on a gravel patch. Surely 2 year olds all over the world hold their hands up like monster claws and proclaim "tickle monster" before clumsily grabbing at mama and dada's ribs. Even understanding this, I still can't help wanting to brag to whomever will listen, even cyberspace, about all the normal, yet to us, amazing things Liliana is doing. Changes are happening so fast, and there are so many of them that I haven't even bothered trying to document them. But tonight we witnessed our first real example that Liliana has moved into a new stage of play that is so cool and fun! I imagine she learned this at daycare (her new, fantastic daycare that I probably should have blogged about already but will save it for another day).
We were upstairs getting Liliana ready for bed. She gets super wired right before bedtime so it is always a battle convincing her to get in her crib. I dream of a child that will get sleepy around bedtime and cuddle with me while we read Llama Llama Red Pajama together. However, tonight we were just letting her run wild because she was cracking us up. She kept running to the bathroom and then back to Chris and touching his head. Chris would shriek and Liliana would giggle. She repeated this several times. Then, Chris hid behind the bedroom door so when Liliana returned she stopped in her tracks, held up her hands, shrugged her shoulders and asked me "where's dada?" I whispered and pointed behind the door. She found him and when he jumped out she was beside herself with glee. And so it began. At first we were a bit confused about what she wanted to happen next. Chris would walk out from behind the door and she would say "stop it dada, go right there" while pushing him back behind the door. She would join him behind the door, put both hands on the the towel rack that is on the back of the door (strange but there are 2 bars on the back of her bedroom door- one down low) and she would say three words that I recognized as "eight, nine, TEN!" Then she would run out, run back and "find" Chris. We realized she was playing hide and seek! So knowing what she was doing, Chris began to hide in other places. She returned to the door, counted while now hiding her eyes on the back of her hands, then yelled and began looking for him! It was so incredible to watch how this morphed into a real and true childhood game! It makes me want to go back and take my Child Developmental Psych class again to learn about stages of play.
I look forward to seeing Liliana every single morning I wake up. I can't even sleep in on weekends when Chris offers to get up with her because I don't want to miss a single moment with her. I am loving every minute of this experience and can't believe she is ours. I am so happy.

Off Topic Post

This was written by a woman who goes by Riuaki who is a member of the Atheist/Agnostic families board that I often post on. I love it and hope it helps those of you who question my choice.

Do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me. I have chosen my path by my own free will. I am not lost, so there is no need for me to be found. My life is not empty. I know who I am and I know my purpose. I love, I am loved, and I strive every day to make sure I leave this world in better condition than I found it. My world is not dark and it is not cold. I see beauty and divinity in the world around me, and it is in no way less meaningful than your world ruled by a deity. My divine is love and nature, physics and chemistry and respect. I can respect you without agreeing and love you without believing that my love was directed by a higher power. Disagreement is not mocking, but instead is a quest for mutual understanding. I have no reason to mock you and it is hurtful when you proclaim how sorry you are for me.

Have you ever tried to see the universe from a different perspective, maybe one you were not taught through tradition? I can see your point of view because I explored it in my initial wandering. I do not wander anymore. I now understand my place in the universe, and it is right here where I am. I may be small, but I am not insignificant. I can touch the lives of others, and my small caress can ripple through humanity in a subtle wave. I do not need to make the world mine, I just need to make my own world matter. I need to make it matter for my son, my husband, my friends, and my family.

I am not lacking for anything intangible, so do not pity my lack of belief. I have hope, but it is centered around humanity instead of the vague promise of reward based on faith. I see hope and wonder in the eyes of my child and I know he is something special and unique, as is every child in the world. I have not squandered the concept of a soul, for all my soul is is my individuality. I am not like any other even though we are all fundamentally the same, and that spark of uniqueness is my soul. I have morals, and I try to live my life as well as possible because I am living for this life and this life alone. I am living my way so my progeny can thrive in a safe and clean world. I am not selfish. I have sacrificed an incredible amount for other people, so do not trivialize my achievements just because they were not accomplished under the banner of a belief. I try to always be honest, even if the truth isn't always what people want to hear. The truth is deserved by all and it is told out of love and not fear.

Do not pity me, my friend, for I do not live in fear. I lost my fear when I found myself. I found intense love for humanity, respect for the universe and everything in it, virtue in rationality, and innate values which embrace the best of all religions. I respect you as an individual, so please respect me. If you feel you must pray for me, go ahead, but I do not need it and it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable if you tell me outright that you are. A kind word and a kind thought will suffice, and I will reciprocate the same to you. Work toward your own peace as I work toward mine. Embrace me because I am different from you, since it would be a boring world if we were all the same.

Facebook could be my breaking point

Beyond just being killed with the overwhelming posts of ultrasounds, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and the such, I was just confronted with a whole new, strange feeling. One of the mamas from my, now assumed to be retired, moms playgroup has a 7 week old baby girl. She was due just a week or so after when I would have been due from m first miscarriage. Anyway, on Facebook she just posted a request for advice on how to get her 7 week old to nap longer. Her first born, in her memory, didn't have this issue. I honestly did not feel qualified to answer. Why do I feel less of a mother because I only have one child who is no longer an infant? One of the responders was ANOTHER mom from the group who ALSO just had a baby girl in July and yet another had one in May. I feel left out. I feel like crap.

Liliana is incredible and has become so interactive and amazing (um, not that she hasn't been amazing from minute 1). She started at a new day care today which I am so thrilled about. Next post will be all about Liliana and her new day care.

Breaking news! 2 days after Liliana's 2nd birthday, she took it upon herself to poop in her potty! It was, by far, one of the largest poops I have seen.

Just a different spool of bad luck?

Just throwing this out there quickly. Not much to say really. I am feeling better by the way. Had a good, productive day of work today which really helps my state of mind. I also am going to the RE's office tomorrow with Chris to get Karyotyping done to make sure we don't have some genetic mismatch that luckily didn't meet with Liliana but could be coming together with these last pregnancies. I highly doubt it but at least it will be another thing we can rule out. I am also having my uterus injected with dye and x-rayed in a few weeks to see if there are any scars or adhesions that my be a problem. Again, I doubt that is the problem but after these 2 tests, we will really be done with all investigative testing. Now for the clencher, my doctor did confirm that it is very possible that the SCH (sub-chorionic hemorrhage) may have caused THIS miscarriage. That actually makes sense to me because different from the other 2, this pregnancy was not measuring behind or anything. It really seemed like it was healthy. How would that be for bad luck that we finally catch a good egg and then something totally unrelated causes the miscarriage? Not trying to sound like Debbie Downer. In fact, I almost feel relieved if this is in fact true (though we will never know for sure). At least I know that I am not doomed to popping out bad eggs forever. So I am going to go with this belief because my gut tells me this was a healthy baby otherwise. I felt it in my bones.

Is this rock bottom?

I really don't feel like writing right now but I also don't want to go to sleep. I have an early work day tomorrow and am feeling so scatter brained and sort of like an outside observer to my own life. Have you ever felt that way? I am not my together, organized self. Things still need to get done and responsibilities are still there both with work and home but I am just going through motions and not putting any thought or care into it and it is freaking me out. I am unprepared for work stuff, I am unprepared for Liliana's care. I am winging it. I think what it is is depression. I am depressed. I just want to put life on hold for a couple of days so that I can catch up. I cried hard a lot of the morning today. I am exhausted from it.

I wanted to write about what a complete ass the doctor was to me this morning but now I don't even think I want to rehash it. One thing to point out though is I asked him if my sub-chorionic hemorrhage could have caused the miscarriage and he said "maybe". That was it, no elaboration or explanation. I didn't press it. I figured I would ask my doctor when I speak to her. I don't know when that will be though. I left a message and hope to hear from her tomorrow.

I feel like I used to when I would drink a lot on a Sunday- late into the evening and then have to go to work the next day. It would mess my whole week up because I am the type of person that needs life neat and orderly when I have other responsibilities to tend to. Help, I need to get control of my life.